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Dear Breakup Girl,

I've gotta major problem. This guy just moved to my town seven months ago, and we've been hooking up for six months. He's my best friend. I'm completely in love with him, and he knows it. I lost my virginity to him about a month and a half ago, but we never talk about that. We only had sex once. He goes on and on about how he needs to get laid but how I'm not good enough. He's the biggest flirt.

The thing is: we aren't going out; he never was my boyfriend; and he never will be. He treats me with no respect, and lately we haven't really even been hanging out. Our little agreement is that we can both be with other people -- no questions asked -- as long as it's not in secret and it doesn't change our relationship. He "says" he cares about me, but he doesn't love me. He treats me so badly; the way he talks to me is so rude that it's beyond disrespectful. Also, he's a little bad boy: he deals drugs and causes a lot of trouble. The whole point in us not going out is so that no one would get hurt if there were a breakup. But the thing is everything he does hurts me so much, it makes me fell so much more attached to him. I know, "I deserve respect...no one should treat me like that...I could do so much better," but the thing is, I don't want to. I don't want to be with anyone else. He means absolutely everything to me.

Today I wrote him a note and told him that he's just really been hurting me lately. It got him thinking that maybe we're better off just being friends. In his words, "Booty is booty; I don't really care whose it is."

So I came home and talked to him; his big point was to make sure we both knew that we could be with other people. I didn't stop crying all day; I've never been so upset over a guy. I don't even know why I care so much. I know I should get out of this. But I can't just fall out of love (though it would hurt me a million times more then it would ever bother him). I love him and don't want to lose him, but I can't deal with being hurt all the time.

--Queen Alicyn

Dear QA,

All right, sweetie, I guess I won't bother pointing out to you that, in caper movies as in relationships, when someone says, "In-out. Nobody gets hurt," someone always does. I will also spare you the "You deserve respect...no one should treat you like that...you could do so much better..." speech. In a sense, you're past that. You already know this guy is off-the-charts bad, and believe you me, that's a huge head start. Brava.

So if you know he's that bad, why does it seem like a good idea to keep him around, by any means necessary? Really, why?

I will say that there's probably a bit of the Transitive Property of Virginity going on here, in which the following faulty logic is at work:

1. I would lose my virginity only in a worthwhile relationship. And:

2. I lost my virginity in this relationship. Therefore:

3. This must be a worthwhile relationship.

But beyond that, Alicyn, I'm honestly asking you why. You say he "means absolutely everything" to you. Well, what? What does he mean? In other words, as our smartie auntie Belleruth wonders: "What's inside of you that longs for this kind of heinous treatment? That -- not this garden-variety meanie -- is the most interesting goldmine place to focus your attention. (You might find some hints in my intro, above.) Really asking yourself, and being interested in the answer, could actually save your life.

Love,
Breakup Girl

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