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SHOUTOUTS

For BG from Knee Deep:

I just wanted to say thanks for taking the time to respond to my letters. I'm still second-date free, I'm afraid. Apparently, she's become busy in a rather eternal sort of way. Oh, well. But still, thanks again for your advice.

BG Responds:
1. You're welcome!
2. Aw, crap! I'm sorry.
3. Soldier on. On dates always do activities you wanted to do anyway (e.g. Shakespeare plays). Nothing to lose, second date will be a bonus. You will get there.

For Johnny from Carl D.:

Johnny, keep up the good work! My ex dumped me in exactly the same way (including the "I don't get the shivers when you touch me anymore" line), except I fell hard. I was emotional whenever we discussed what happened, and she was always tightly controlled. I would hungrily accept any form of attention she would give me after she dumped me.

Now, she's back with her ex-boyfriend from high school (the same guy who cheated on her, broke her heart, and even betrayed his brother!). She even wanted me to dissect her behavior in our past relationship so she could make things work with him. And then she was surprised that I was hurt by that!

We're still friendly, but I don't think we're friends. I would avoid her totally, but it's impossible, because we work together. I make so many resolutions to cut myself off from her because I know it's bad for me (it's been six months and I haven't moved on). But every time I see her, she acts like we're sort of together...like she sometimes talks for me, or when we're alone she'll talk about things that are bothering her, or she'll use her "relationship tone of voice" with me. I know it's bad for me, but I just melt when she's around. So keep up the good work, or you might end up playing second fiddle!

For An Elephant Never Forgets from Jardi:

Don't dismiss how you feel just because you're 16 years old. What you are feeling is an incredibly hard thing to go through and it doesn't get easier. I'm 27 and just climbing out of that type of situation/feelings. I met a guy whom I fell for hard for, really hard. He was perfect in just about every way...that is until I found out four months later that he had a girlfriend. For a while I felt really cheated. He was so great, and perfect (except for this "small" thing which I could not accept), and just the person I was looking for.

Your feelings are real, but they are also an exaggerated desire of what you wanted; what potential you see as possible (which is far different that what you would get in reality. How many people live up to their best potential?). Again, this doesn't make what you feel any less real. But what you need to see is the actual reality. Not the potential for what could have been. The actual reality is that this person has not been nice, honorable, or caring. If this is how he treats you now, why would he ever treat you differently if you were together?

Personally, I gave myself a couple of weeks to mourn, and began directing my thoughts towards who he truly was and what he'd shown me. Instead of seeing that great person I won't get to be with, I now see the person who cheats on his girlfriend. I know it will still hurt, but seeing this person as he truly is/has been will help you get over him. Then you will be able to move on to the person who really is going to be wonderful to you and will make you feel great about yourself.

For BG from Chris the [Formerly Known as Lonely] Bratwurst:

Okay. You want stories? I give you good stories.

So I've started meeting girls. Yayyyyyy! So, I meet this girl that fits very well into my "requirements for Significant Other Status," and we actually hit it off quite well. And, unlike in the past, I do not shy away from the fact that I am interested in her, and that I say that I would love to take her out some time. I get her phone number. I walk away feeling like a million bucks.

I met her, "Kate," through a mutual friend, so I immediately ask what my chances are. The friend says, "She dates around, and isn't really attached to anyone, but you did as well as you could of. I mean, you did get her phone number." True. A small smile etches itself on my face. I'm not letting back this time! I'm going to go hang out with "Norm" (a friend that I hadn't been in touch with since we were teenagers), and tell him the great news!

But wait, you say. "Norm" has been aliased...meaning that he's in on this diabolical plot! Surely no!

Sigh, yeah. Read on.

I go to Norm's and we hang out for a bit, and of course, I immediately tell him of my recent triumph: "Got a girl's phone number, Norm! I swear, I'm going to call her tomorrow." He congratulates me. Then he chimes in...

"I'm not doing so bad either... I'm kinda seeing this girl."

"Oh yeah, who?"

"This cute girl that I met at a party a few weeks ago... she's a friend of [mutual friend]. Her name's Kate, have you met her yet?"

You have got to be kidding. "Um...you could say that..."

I hand him the phone number I have been clutching close to me in my pocket for the last couple hours. An awkward moment passes, and quick resolution shows itself. I have certain rules, and one of those is "thou shalt not poach on thy neighbors borders." Or, "he saw her first." Either/or, I suppose.

They're now a very happy (and official) couple. I am still single. And to top it all off, I just found out Ben Folds Five broke up...which led to another interesting meeting, but that's another story that doesn't have an ending yet....

Wish me luck, BG. At my rate, it looks like I'm going to need it!

BG Responds: Hell's bells! Chris, that blows. Coincidences blow. But the odds don't -- and those are that the next one (oh, yes) will not be dating someone you haven't seen since you were teenagers. Do not get discouraged; do not make this Mean Anything. You are doing fine. And I'm always delighted to remind you.

For BG from Dottie:

I've been keeping up with your site for the last couple of years, and I now read your advice pages to others as I find them comforting; like an old friend or something. Says a lot for your consistency, care, and tact.

My boyfriend and I broke up this year. It was quite tragic and most traumatic, but I was much relieved when he called me and confessed that he suffered from narcissistic personality disorder. Not that it made the heartache any easier, but in a really strange way, he was claiming some responsibility for his part in things. And he hadn't been able to do that at all before.

Mainly, I was under the impression that we had "crashed" because I wasn't good enough -- as in, not perfect. The four hour lectures were basically him justifying himself that he was entitled to crap all over me, break my hear,t and threaten all sorts of violence and unspeakable acts. For a long time (it seemed like forever then), the thought of throwing myself off a roof was far easier than dealing with the pain. I had a mild emotional breakdown about two months ago -- this would be at the eight months since we split mark -- where I cried for a week. Part of me still actually believed that he was right -- that I was worthless, useless, a star f**k-up in action, and would never get anywhere in life. That bought me to catharsis. Thank goodness.

I decided I was sick and tired of thinking about what a crappy person I was day in and day out, and it was now time to take action. I went to see a psychologist as part of our employee assistance program at work. We talked, and talked, and talked. I was completely honest with her, and we were able to identify more than a few negative behavioral patterns of mine, and thwack these on the head. Next we discussed worst case scenarios and finally, we arrived at the conclusion that moment-to-moment coping is good. So now, when I think of him, I allow myself to be angry briefly, and then get on with what I was doing. It's getting easier every day. I don't miss him at all (it's frightening to think that I did) and I hardly think of him. I don't talk about him with anyone --it used to be a daily thing -- and I'm sure I drove everyone nuts yapping on about it.

I'm actually for the first time in my life, moving on. It's made me much wiser, too; directly after our breakup, I plunged headlong into dating, anything and anyone...as soon as it looked like it was getting heavy, I'd be outta there. I felt justified in leaving a trail of broken hearts behind me, and I kind of regret that now. One good thing though: I feel I've ID'ed some emotional boundaries for myself; I can spot a rat at fifty paces, and have a far stronger sense of reality when it comes to relationships. I've recently met a new fella and I'm happy to be plodding along taking it nice and slow, and not thinking of the future at all. The ex swept me right off my feet, and filled my heart and head with joy and dreams of marriage and children -- I should have known better than to go along with it, but I didn't, and I would not have learned as much as I have without the experience (however unnecessary). I'm healed, I'm happy, and over it. Just thought I'd let you know. Thanks (and my condolences about your dog. It is hard when a beloved pet passes away). I'll keep reading and learning and stretching my boundaries! Cheers!

BG Responds: Lovely. Thank you.