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Predicament of the Week
In which Breakup Girl addresses the situation that has, this week, brought her the most (a) amusement, (b) relief that it is happening to someone else, and/or (c) proof that she could not possibly be making this stuff up.

Dear Breakup Girl,

My ex and I broke up about a month ago. I am 26, she is 23. I'm fairly confident in my life and I know what I want. She's somewhat restless and is considering grad school or something else in the next few years. Regardless, it was, in my opinion, a very good relationship. She's a great girl, she's got the looks that I go for, we have a lot in common, we communicated well, and we were both very much into the relationship (lots of cards and gifts and letters. Hell, I even wrote her a book of fifty poems when she spent a month in Mexico over the summer, and she wrote me a storybook while she was gone). We had a lot of fun together, and, at least at first, the sex was awesome. She met my parents and liked them, and my parents liked her. I was looking forward to meeting her parents -- until she ended up pulling the plug the night before they came into town. I was crushed and very confused. The only answer she gave me at the time was that she didn't "feel romantic" about me in her heart anymore.

Since then, we've met and talked three times and exchanged four or five insignificant e-mails. Other than that, there has been no contact between us and I'm proud of myself for not becoming a sad cliche on her doorstep (though I have occasionally gotten really emotional in the privacy of my home). I've summarized all of our conversations (about six hours worth) into the dialogue below:

Me: I don't understand.

Ex: Neither do I. I really miss you a lot; I'm surprised you want to talk to me.

Me: I thought it was good. What's the problem?

Ex: I don't know. I just don't feel a spark any more. Sometimes I feel a spark, but not all the time and that's what I think I deserve.

Me: I don't feel a spark all the time either, but I don't expect to feel a spark all the time. Real-life relationships aren't like the movies, you know.

Ex: That's not what I'm saying. And besides, how do I know there's not going to be somebody better down the road?

Me: Because you shouldn't have to ask, and that's how you know. [Silently to myself: Yep, you're going to do a lot better than a Harvard grad who makes six figures and is absolutely nuts about you, you crazy bitch!] Relationships are give and take and sometimes you're not crazy in love, but at least you know that there's somebody else you can turn to when you're feeling down and then sometimes you get together and that's when there is a spark.

Ex: I've sure been missing you. It's good to see you. I've been thinking about being in your arms all week. Sorry I didn't bring your CD's back, but I've been listening to them and looking at your picture and reading your poems.

Me: Why? I took all of your stuff and gave back what didn't belong to me. Everything else is in a box in the closet.

Ex: Because I still care about you. You really are a great guy. I still want to be friends, okay? I think should still hang out and be friends; we just can't date, okay?

Me: [not thinking] Sure.

Ex: Great. And maybe someday I'll come back around.

Me: [not thinking] Sure.

Ex: Okay. Now let me send you an e-mail and tell you about my day because I can't really tell my other friends about my day like I can you.

Me: [snapping out of it] Wait. I don't want to be your friend. I meant that I want to be friendly, but not FRIENDS. I'm not going to be your boyfriend unless I'm your boyfriend. You can't have it both ways.

Ex: But that's what friends do.

Me: Call your other friends.

Ex: But I want to call you. You're my best friend; I just don't want to be your girlfriend. You just said --

Me: I changed my mind. I can't handle talking to you and not being your boyfriend. We're too close and we can't take it back just like that. In fact, don't call me or contact me at all for the next five weeks. I will do the same. After that, we'll see how we feel.

Ex: Fine. I don't see why you're getting so upset. I just don't have feelings anymore, so don't give me an ultimatum because it's not going to work. The ball is in your court; if you don't want to be friends, that's your choice.

Me: The ball is in my court? You broke up with me for, as far as I can tell, no better reason than you succeeded in talking yourself out of enjoying our relationship.

Ex: That's not fair! You said you noticed yourself that I was starting to lose interest.

Me: Yes, but you sure aren't acting uninterested right now.

Ex: I just want to be friends. Put your arm around me again, I find that to be very comfortable.

Me: No. I'm not going to be your friend. I want to be your BOYFRIEND. If I see you in a social situation with our common friends, I will be friendly and I won't cause a scene or make you feel bad. Have a good month; I'm leaving. [Stomp off from the table.]

Ex: [crying] You're not being fair. I still want to be friends.

What am I supposed to think? I think she's a great girl and we could have a great relationship. I really don't get why she says she doesn't want to be in a relationship with me, but then she seems to want all of the trappings that a relationship brings. Was I unreasonable in cutting her off completely? Is she going to come back? I really miss her, but I'm not going to just take what I can get from her when it's not what I want or deserve. What's her problem anyway? Does she really think that life is just like "Jerry Maguire," or do I just not get it? Movies end, after all, but relationships, at least the ones that work, go on. Am I wrong?

-- Johnny

NEXT:
BG responds!