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Dear Breakup Girl,

This is not easy! Actually, it's pretty embarrassing. A little over a year ago I went online, and created a name just to fool around with. A certain woman mistook it for a man's name. I played games with her online, we talked...all purely out of fun on my part.

As time went on, this girl started falling in love with me (thinking that I was a man). I didn't know how to tell her I was a woman, although I tried in different ways at different times. We ended up falling in love.

A month or so after our breakup, I told her the truth about me. Now she wants absolutely nothing to do with me. She doesn't even accept me as a person! I am very hurt and heartbroken. How can someone who loved me so much as a man...hate me for being a woman? She IMs me just to call me names and insult me; it digs a knife deeper into my heart each time. I've tried to explain over and over that it was not meant to happen, but she won't listen or understand. She just reminds me of what I did, insults me, and signs off.

Please help! I feel so useless, worthless, and unable to cope with my mistake. I cannot apologize enough to her and I cannot take anymore of her hurtful insults.

-- P.

Dear P.,

Few humans, male or female, feel good about hurting someone. Most humans, female and male, want to "fix it" if they do. So P., I totally get that you're going nuts thinking, "How could I let this happen?" and "How can I make it better?" but, alas -- you did, and...you can't.

As 21st-century cyber-wacky as your story is, I think its "You've Got Female" aspect is beside the point, at least at this point. There's no doubt that your revelation, especially post-breakup, exponentially increased her feelings of dupage and betrayal. But still. Honestly, the feelings you're left dealing with now are fundamentally a matter of a big-time old-fashioned breakup.

And what does BG say about those? IMPORTANT BREAKUP GIRL MAXIM: Exes don't help exes through breakups. P, you can't "explain" this one. She doesn't want to hear it. Sincere and articulate as you may be, there is nothing you can say that will make her say, "Oh! OK! I get it! Over it! Thanks!" I know how awful you feel, and I do feel for you. But you can't MAKE her feel better, and you can't rely on a particular -- and not forthcoming -- statement from her to make you feel better. Because what else does BG say about big-time old-fashioned breakups? IMPORTANT BREAKUP GIRL MAXIM: Closure is a one person job; otherwise, you'd still be in a relationship.

So. One more heartfelt apology, then cut your losses. Say goodbye; cut off contact. Hide your handle from her buddy list. Let yourself off the hook; allow yourself to see how any human, male or female, could have let this one cybersnowball. And allow yourself to go ahead and go through a breakup, your way. Try, looking at that faraway spot ahead of the hurt, to chalk it up-- twist and all -- up to "logged on, loved and lost." And when you're ready, come back online as someone pretty clear, like "Prudence."

Love,
Breakup Girl

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