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SHOUTOUTS

To The Cheater from Elizabeth:

Your story was so familiar it gave me chills! It could have been written by me ten years ago. And, if I could give advice to my former, younger self, I would say: listen to your friends. He is abusive. No one has the right to be that controlling or to make you feel that low. Get out of this relationship as quickly as possible!

I, too, thought my friends didn't see the "real" guy I was in love with. I resented them for suggesting that I break up with him when, for the first time in my life, I was in love. For a while, several of my friendships were strained because I didn't see what my friends did.

Eventually, I realized that no matter how much I loved this guy, he was controlling, emotionally abusive, and caused me to feel crappy about myself. The situation was made more difficult by the fact that we lived and worked together. Finally, I found the strength to break up with him, and my friends were there for me (and that's when I knew they were true friends). Still, it's taken about five years to recover from that relationship and really feel like myself again.

Please, start today and get away from him!

To Not Garbo from Beth:

In addition to BG and Belleruth's excellent advice, why not take the first step with these "almost" friends you've met through classes, activities, and work? The next time you get along with someone you meet at a party, ask them at the end if they'd like to go for coffee sometime. Make sure you get their phone number and/or actually set a date and time. Or ask someone you work with to go shopping at the mall after work. It often seems to others like you have all the friends you need, unless you hold out that branch of friendship first. Once you make the initial invitation, I guarantee they'll start to reciprocate. Even for those of us with many friendships, a common complaint is, "I always call her; she never calls me." Make sure your work/school friends don't even start to feel this way by taking the first step. Good luck!

To Loyal to a Fault from Disgirl:

Sadly, it will happen sometimes. You can't take it personally; everyone reacts to change in different ways. You will drift away from some people anyway, regardless of relationship status. Making time for your friends is the right thing to do, but the effort has to go both ways. You could continue to devote time to your friendships and still lose one or two friends if you get serious in a relationship. This happened to me in the past year. It's really sad because my former friend is someone with whom I closely socialized for the last six years, but after nine months of teeth-pulling to get her even to talk to me, I had to let her go. She even did everything she could to avoid meeting my boyfriend. Maybe she is overly jealous or won't be friends with non-singles (she dropped her last two best friends when they got serious about their relationships, too), but I realized that it's not my issue. It isn't worth pursuing someone who places restrictions on friendship. So cherish those friends who adjust to changes you make, adjust with those who make changes, and let go of those who won't make an effort.

To BG regarding JS from Counting On You:

I'm puzzled regarding your answer to JS, the girlfriend of a married woman. I've seen you tell 12-year-olds "no poaching" -- why doesn't that rule apply to grownup, married people who have taken vows to God and each other to forsake all others, for goodness sake? It seems to me that the married woman's financial and parental circumstances are utterly beside the point. She is taken, and I would think that that would be that. Have I misinterpreted your definition of "poaching" all along? Adultery is a terrible, destructive thing, and I'm surprised you don't take a harder line on it. If some seventh grade crush is worthy of "hands-off" respect, why isn't marriage? Even if the married woman was the initiator here, the fact is that married people are just plain unavailable in any real sense ... at least until they are no longer married. Please be the superhero you are and fight for this unpopular yet crucial cause, Breakup Girl. This sad society needs it!

BG responds: Oops, no, no. Could stand some bottom-line clarification, I guess, but yeah: I was telling them to force the play, somehow. They cannot go on until/unless the married one bails.

To JR from Karen:

If you feel crummy about snooping, just know that if you're ever involved in another relationship where you sense you are being lied to, pick up Romantic Deceptions by Dr. Sally Caldwell. She discusses the six ways you know you're being lied to ... and guess what, your intuition was number six.

 
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