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Dear Breakup Girl,

I've always been the sort that makes acquaintances very easily. People tell me I'm charming, interesting, and fun to talk to. (I'm sure it's sounding familiar so far.) But (and you knew there had to be a "but"), while I've never had trouble finding a boyfriend or someone to date, I've always had lots of trouble finding any close personal connections of other sorts. It's so bad that if my family weren't my family, I don't know how often we'd call each other, which isn't very often to begin with. I'm sure that I can come up with a lot of boring and self-pitying reasons for why (and I'm not as interested in cause as in solution). I'll cut to the chase and just say that I ended up learning to be super-self-reliant, finding at a very young age that no one at all can be trusted. And of course, I know (and perhaps always knew) that's not true. I went to college and found that there were a lot of trustworthy, fun, charming, and intelligent people with whom I'd love to hang out.

And here's the trouble: I never figured out how it is that people make and keep friends. I'm genuinely interested in others, but it seems difficult to keep the connection after the quarter, the project, or the party is over. I never have anyone over to my place. I never have casual invitations, and since I graduated from college, I don't get invitations to go anywhere at all, except with my boyfriend (and that's not an exaggeration). No one goes to cafes with me, and I really can't recall the last time I went shopping with someone who wasn't a boyfriend. And I've never dished with another girl about a guy. (Isn't that weird?)

And, as if things weren't weird enough, I never seem to have trouble finding a decent, kind, intelligent, admiration-provoking guy for long-term relationships. (Maybe that's because I didn't start to date until after I got over all that "trust nobody" weirdness.) Someone (with whom I lost contact) once told me that the self-reliance thing is a drawback. She told me that because I always appeared so confident and self-assured, people just assumed they were invading my time (huh?). That was probably also the thing that saved me from having a stereotypically hard time in high school, despite being the stereotypical nerdy girl in all black. (My high school memories are mostly positive.)

So, now what do I do? Rather, now what do I do that I didn't do before? It recently dawned on me that I might grow old and have no one with whom to reminisce about the "good ol' days." That's really kind of sad, but given I can sustain the self-reliance thing, I could probably fashion some kind of tranquility out of it if I had to. I'm already used to enjoying alone-time (really enjoying it, not just "putting up with it"); I just wish it weren't all alone-time. I'm really at a loss for how to change my situation.

--Not Garbo

Dear Not Garbo,

Funny. Simplistically, perhaps, lots of us think of friends as rehearsals for boy/girlfriends. Like, once you know how to conduct a relationship, you can graduate to the kind with kissing and sweet nothings and "Communication" and funnier feelings than ever. In that sense, NG, you seem to have skipped a grade somehow -- and you do seem to be doing just fine at Boyfriend level.

But yes, let's go back and see what you've missed. Here's Belleruth: "Well, it's great that you're now starting to realize that there really are good people out there, and worthwhile, non-exploitative friendships to be had. Perhaps what's in the way, though, are whatever old, automatic, self-protective behaviors you'd already developed, which somehow discourage others from approaching you or hanging around for long.

For one thing, I'd be curious to know how you do with women at these parties you get invited to with your beau. Do you talk only to the guys? Are you intimidatingly gorgeous or smart, and just don't know the tricks for deflecting envy?

But mainly, what I'm inclined to inquire is this: do, indeed, you ever express your unsureness or vulnerabilty with anyone? Maybe you feel like you can be vulnerable only in the context of romance, where you hold many cards, but not friendship. Heck, regardless of what you think about 'cause as solution,' it is a bit significant that you didn't even want to explain the source of these issues in your letter (too 'boring' and 'self-pitying'). Maybe potential friends feel not so much that you're too self-reliant, but rather that in terms of getting to know you, they're only going to get so far.

In any case, I'd love to see her in a kind of group therapy that's very in vivo/feedback-oriented. Not the 'now it's my turn to tell you all my troubles' kind (works for many, but I think you would loathe it), but rather the psycho-educational, training-oriented kind, where you learn about your impact on others in the supportive, laboratory environment of a group that also lets you pick out new behaviors and try 'em on for size (maybe a therapist trained by Irv Yalom, the king of groupologists, or someplace with good week-long or weekend workshops on relationship or interpersonal skills -- that might be the easiest place to start). Again, it needs to be very here-and-now, feedback-oriented. I think you could really do beautifully.

But NG, remember: the cost of doing business will probably be increased openness and vulnerability to potential pals."

Yep, you knew there had to be a "but!" You can do it. Rock on, NG.

Love,
Breakup Girl

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