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Dear Breakup Girl,

How do you know when a relationship is over? My boyfriend of just under two years is wonderful in so many ways; he's the first person in my life that's ever really made me feel like I want to be a better person. He used to make me feel so good about myself, like I could do anything – reach for any star and fly to the moon. My life was a little out of control for a while, and he inspired me to get my act together. I really started to enjoy the things I enjoyed when I was younger. We have great sex, lots of it, and I can see myself growing old with him. My family loves him, and he makes me feel safe.

However, he can also be really mean. My friends think he's emotionally and verbally abusive, but I don't know what to think. Most of the time he's just kidding, but he gets so exasperated with me: yesterday he told me that I was the single biggest stress in his life. For example, I ran out of tampons the other week, and he could not get over how much of a flake I must be. He gets really angry at me when we discuss anything from politics (I apparently never know what I am talking about so shouldn't open my mouth), to what I want to do with my life (I am apparently too naive to consider anything so demanding as being a teacher, even during dinner conversation). My job is apparently silly; I don't clean my house enough; I don't exercise enough; I buy too much "crap;" I spend too much money; I am a space cadet because I can't remember exactly what all of my friends are doing for work right now (we all just graduated from college); I am too emotional; I take myself too seriously; I need a baby-sitter because I can't spend time by myself and not make him stressed out, etc.

He flips out if I make plans with friends on a Saturday (though he's getting a little better about that), but also flips out if I don't have plans for a weeknight. (He's still in school and has homework; I work.) On the other hand, he tells me that I am too dependent on him, that I worry too much what he wants (which I think is true), and that I don't stand up for myself. But I think that he's too dependent on me, that he hasn't had enough experience with girls (because he's always telling me that he wants to hook up with other girls before we get married), that he hasn't had enough experience on his own (he went to college in his home town, I went to the same college, but it is 3000 miles from where I grew up), and that he needs to have more social interaction. (I have lots of friends with whom I have a lot of fun; he thinks his friends are losers.) I spend so much time feeling so guilty whenever I choose to do something that doesn't involve him. And he doesn't have fun even when I go out with his friends as he begged me to do. (He started yelling at me the other day in front of friends of mine that I can't have anything more to drink because I am so annoying when I'm drunk, etc..)

Regardless, I think it's probably easy to cast him as the devil, and all boyfriends probably want you to do healthy things and not have any bad habits to the point of frustration after you've been dating them for that long. However, about three weeks ago (and this is where "poor little me" turns into a conniving, immoral, weakling), I kissed another guy. This individual has literally been pursuing me for probably the entire time I've been dating my boyfriend, although off and on. I have always been attracted to him. He's brilliant, a lot of fun, and we really click. He's tried to kiss me on numerous occasions, and I've always resisted because of my boyfriend. That is until a few weeks ago, when I realized I was thinking about him all the time ... and that I really wanted to do something about it. And one kiss turned into three kisses. And I even left my boyfriend at my apartment doing homework on Saturday night (another thing – why would it be fun for me to hang out with him while he's doing homework?? And he told me on VALENTINE'S DAY that work was categorically more important than school...) so I could go see guy #2 before he left for three weeks. Having forced the issue in such a way, my boyfriend definitely knows something's up, and I now have to deal with all of my doubts about the relationship while simultaneously feeling massive guilt for cheating on him and creating the problem in the first place. I am unbelievably non-confrontational; I HATE talking about what I am "feeling," and more than anything, I don't want to hurt my boyfriend who loves me despite what it looks like to my friends.

My friends, by the way – although indicators perhaps of what I am feeling – don't really know that much about my relationship; they just know that I haven't seen very much of them in the last two years, and they think I'm happier when I'm with them. But, what do they really know? They all think that I should break up with my boyfriend period because

a) they think I'm really fun to go out with, and I don't go out because of my boyfriend
b) they love the guy I kissed and think I'd be happier with him
c) they think my boyfriend doesn't make me happy and
d) they think my boyfriend's really mean and controlling.

My point is that I have a lot of pressure on me to break up with my boyfriend. But I thought he was my soulmate, my future husband, my confidante, my best friend, and my touchstone ... and I still think he is all of things. I just can't see any of that right now, and I don't know what to do about it. The thought that he isn't making me happy – or can't – is so terribly sad, I don't want to think it. Mostly, however, I just don't feel anything for him right now. What should I do?

–The Cheater

Dear Cheater,

Show me a generally responsible, together girl who has not run out of tampons on occasion, and I'll show you a guy who needs to be shown the door in 28 days or less. Cheater, I know and hear and believe what you said about your boyfriend in the first paragraph. But I must gently submit to you you that his actions, as you describe them, force me to apply – as I have in several past cases – the Third Paragraph Rule: where the person's behavior is such a clear deal-breaker by the third paragraph of a letter (in your case, the second) that all the following whys and whereases and will-he-changes are pretty much immaterial. That is: When you have to ask "Why would someone behave like such an irrational unrepentant wacko meanie?" you also have to ask, "Why am I even bothering to ask?"

Not that the Rule makes any of these easy to reconcile internally. How, indeed, could the same person make you both see higher than the stars and look down at your loafers in shame? How, indeed, can you just cast off your own conviction – regardless of reality – that he was supposed to be The One? I know. It's awful.

But Cheater, if you really want a touchstone, here's one I offer often:

Does he think you're the bomb? And does he act accordingly? Doesn't mean you never bicker, doesn't mean a dozen roses every day. Means that he will always give you a leg up for more, even though he already thinks you are and do enough. Means you argue about politics because he respects what you have to say. Means he glows when he steps back and watches you shine. (Metaphorically, not as in, like, housework.)

And here's another massive one.

It's not supposed to suck. Relationships can – do – have sucky areas and sucky issues and sucky moments. But the Great has to balance the Suck. To make the Suck worth it.

Oh, one more.

Listen to your friends. Friends, like parents, are not always or a priori right. But no fair dismissing what they say just because they're not flies on the wall when you and your boyfriend are alone. If you're two different people in two different settings, well, that's a problem right there. Bottom line, they're telling you, friends-eye-view, what they see. That's all they got, and at the end of the day, they're all you got.

How important are these points? Well, scan two and a half years of columns to see how often I use bold and italic at the same time. Might be more important, even, than Important Breakup Girl Maxims. So touch these set-in-stones to measure what you have – or, more to the point, what you don't feel right now. And yes, I know I haven't faulted you for your eponymous incident. I can't go so far as to say cheating is "justified," but it's understandable – and right now, working out that element is distractingly beside the point. I can hint as strongly as I want, but you need to decide for yourself whether to stay or go. And you need to summon the strength – and the allies I know are there – to back yourself up. But please know that you would not be a flake – on the contrary, in fact – if you let this relationship run out.

Love,
Breakup Girl

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