< PREVIOUS LETTER   ||   NEXT LETTER >
 

Dear Breakup Girl,

Just read your column on snooping (Not Right and Doesn't Work), and I agree with everything you said ... which just makes me feel more guilty about my own snooping. I know what I did was wrong, but I only snooped after he refused to discuss his unexplained absences and general unhappiness. I suggested we break up, which was hard because I really love him, but he continued to insist that all was well and that he really wanted to be with me. The knot in my stomach would not go away, so I snooped. What I discovered was scary, hurtful, and dangerous, and I found the courage to leave.

I know I should not have snooped, but when I found the evidence, it forced me to stop living in my idealistic dream world and face the facts: my sweet, considerate, and smart boyfriend had another life. And BG, deep down I always knew there was another side to him, a side that I would never understand or be privy to. I feel very guilty for snooping, but I lacked the confidence to trust what my intuition was telling me all along. I didn't want to believe what my gut was telling me, and now I have to deal with the double-barreled guilt of 1) not honoring myself and 2) stooping to such degrading behavior. Any advice? I feel like such a heel. Is the snooper really worse than the scoundrel? How can I forgive myself? I feel really conflicted because this behavior does not agree with my values, but I really believe that snooping saved my sorry ass from a really scary and dangerous situation. What do you think?

--JR

Wait, JR!

Quit beating yourself up! If you ask me, you fit the perfect Sympathetic Snooper Profile. Here's my snooping rule: you have to have reasonable cause before you do it ... and then you don't do it, because that reasonable cause -- unexplained absences? general unhappineess? unwillingness to discuss same? lipstick on collar? knot in stomach? -- is problem enough. As a matter of BG Law, I can't declare it officially "Justified," but I can declare it totally understandable. You were at a loss. So you went with an instinct, which is all I ever tell anyone to do. And you found a way to make what you discovered mean something useful – painful, but useful -- which is the other only thing I ever tell anyone to do. AND using what you learned, you left a crappy situation, which is the other... well, you get the idea. Time to untie that knot, okay?

Love,
Breakup Girl

< PREVIOUS LETTER   ||   NEXT LETTER >