Books of Love:
Dangerous Liasons in Literature
continued from page one...

Call me, Ishmael.

The local bookstore is a treasure trove for finding literary lovers. (Whenever possible, remember to bring your business to your local establishment; it's good karma.) These establishments provide the perfect map for finding someone else who shares your special interest, from canine massage to Jungian dream analysis. And you'll find, like so many authors have found before you, that there really is no substitute for a good opening line.

Say, just for example you're a Star Trek fan. Establish a geostationary orbit in the Science Fiction and Fantasy aisle. When a cute fellow Trekker comes by, don't just ask her which of the nine movies she liked best. Try something creative, such as, "Did anyone ever tell you that you look like the Orion dancing girl in Episode 36? Except for the green skin." With luck, you'll be chatting at the food replicator in no time.

Or, if you're ecologically minded (and good for you if you are), set up a blind in the Science & Nature aisle. When the moment's right, saunter over and tell the guy browsing a beetle book, "I hear the Parc Nationale Noel Kempfe Mercado in Bolivia is beautiful this time of year." You get the idea.

You can even do a little strategic research with the staff member of your choice. It's simply a matter of having an engaging, somewhat time-consuming question. Try something like, "I'm looking for the Booker Prize runners-up for the last seven or eight years. Can you help me with that?" Just watch their eyes light up; you'll be taking advantage of their... employee discounts before you know it.

It's a Bookstore! It's a Cafe! It's a Bookstore! It's a...

These days even your lovable local bookstores aren't limited to just books and bookworms. In fact, given the sheer number of caffeine-addicted freelancers and former dot-communists these days, the bookstore cafe is easy pickins.

Grab a collection of romantic love poetry -- Shakespeare's sonnets are always a good bet -- and when you strike up a conversation, hint at your passionate side. "Well, I was just catching a fix ­- 'If I could write the beauty of your eyes/and in fresh numbers number all your graces...' ­- before heading back to the office."

Check Me Out

Of course, no booklovers' guide would be complete without a plug for the local library. Don't underestimate the place where you can meet people in close geographical proximity, whether you're checking out Oprah's latest selection (for free) or attending a book discussion group.

For that matter, why not start your own book group? With a little dedication, you should be able to round up a core group of literarily like-minded friends, who in turn will introduce new characters into your story. And think! That's twelve nights a year of "something to do" just like that!

Litmus Paper

Rumor has it that some people use certain books as a test of the potential of a prospective romance. He fails to see the irony in Alyosha's fever-dreams in The Brothers Karamazov? Pack your bookbag, buddy. She doesn't "get" Salman Rushdie's The Satanic Verses? Strike three, she's out.

Although the BTD cannot condone the use of books as a blanket litmus test, it's true that they can generate useful information during The Search. For example, see how s/he responds to one of the following:

Looking for a guy with a wild side? Give him Wuthering Heights and tell him how you used to be a member of the Heathcliff fan club.

Looking for loyalty? Give her The Odyssey and see what she has to say about Penelope.

Not sure about his politics? Give him The Grapes of Wrath and see if he identifies with the Joads or the Bank.

Thinking about leaving someone at the altar? Read Great Expectations and pay close attention to the fate of Miss Havasham.

The Plot Thickens

We're certain that the unique combination of your charm and our strategy are bound to bring you something nice to curl up in bed with. And once you've finally found the Dash to your Lilly (or vice versa) and you're enjoying your own neverending story, you'll finally have time to settle down and read all those great, gushy books that are best enjoyed with someone else: Winnie-the-Pooh, Goodnight Moon, various works from the Dr. Seuss ouevre, and so on, and so on, and so on....

And then you'll know all there is to know about happy endings.

Heather Hewett never used her dissertation as a litmus test for her relationship. She is currently working her way through a large stack of books, but it's really only to get to the fourth Harry Potter. She last told us all about the AIDS Ride.

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