Unusual Haunts:
How to Trick Your Treat on Halloween
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Is That What You're Wearing?

Never let it be said that San Franciscans lack creativity. Every creature under the sun -- and then some -- comes out to play on Halloween night. On the Muni ride (like a bus, but a train) into the Castro, I stood next to a disturbingly accurate roll of Smarties who was handing out miniature, edible versions of herself.

In addition to the usual crew of cowboys, ghosts, kittens, and witches, the Castro scene included a wide range of devils. They came in all kinds of groups from scantily clad Hispanic dance party types to contemplative individuals. Some were so nonchalant that they seemed like they might be actual devils who had just dropped into check out what was going on.

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Halloween Hint #3: Go in Groups
There were a lot of lonely looking Jedi Knights out on their own this year, which supports the theory that gangs have more fun. Whatever your disguise, think about whether you can bring a few clones. You can also think in terms of numbers when planning your outfits: three wise men, four horsemen of the Apocalypse, seven deadly sins, you get the picture. Not only will you have strength in numbers, but there's always a chance that a friend will bring one more artichoke... and you might fall in love with that artichoke. You just never know.

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There were a number of excellent Medusas on hand (though, as far as I could tell, no real snakes, thank goodness). A generic protester covered all her bases with an organically grown sign that said, "No Bad Things!" The aforementioned artichokes travelled in a bunch of about eight, and we saw not at least two large yellow bananas over the course of the night. The most elaborate and unnerving costume was a photographer in a fedora who had a six-by-four foot wall of miniature paparazzi figures strapped to his back, all craning around each other to get a picture of YOU. It was art, and it was creepy.

Drinking With Vampires

While you may be thirsty, it's not necessarily an event that's enhanced by alcohol. The world will seem strange enough even if you're perfectly sober. But before you finish your night of unearthly revelry, you may want to check into a local watering hole and see what the zombies are drinking. (Bloody Marys, anyone?) Of course, you could try to fight the swarming undead at nearby Bagdhad Cafe or even ground zero itself, the bar Twin Peaks located right on the corner of Market and Castro.

Instead, why not duck into a back room in the subterranean Cafe du Nord a few blocks away and you may actually be able to get to the bar? Or better yet, avoid the chaos by grabbing a burger and a shake at Sparky's on Church Street. You'll still see some costumes... and you'll be able to exhale.

Alien Baby, You Can Drive My Car

Parking in SF is notoriously horrific even on non-haunted nights. If you absolutely have to escape by car, plant it earlier in the day on the outskirts and use it for a quick getaway. Do not try to drive into or anywhere near the Castro; you'll certainly end up wishing you were dead.

But you don't want to miss one of the great joys of Halloween in San Francisco, or any big city, for that matter. Riding public transportation on the one holiday when adults are allowed to play dress-up is one of the great joys of modern life. Make friends with the android next to you and you could be one of those couples with a classic "how we met" story. It's one of the few days where striking up a conversation -- even if you're a carp talking to a six-foot tall Egyptian pharaoh -- is not only normal, it's nice.

One last piece of advice for you intrepid costumed crusaders who are inventive and brave enough to join the hottest Halloween party in America: look very closely and make sure you know difference between the real cops and the fake cops. (Hint: the fake ones are the ones singing "Macho Man.")

Colin Lingle was Professor Plum in the library with the Candlestick. He gives a shoutout to Miss Peacock and Miss Scarlett. He last wrote about converting your crushes.

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