< PREVIOUS LETTER
 

NATIONAL SHOUTOUT WEEK
SHOUTOUTS

To Dazed from Fan:

Here's a thought: some women (not all, by a long shot) link emotional connection with sexual connection. So, if you want to get close, maybe try to feel out her worldview before you feel her up. Maybe she's not so much a lighthouse sending physical signals (hello, sailor!), but a person who likes you and wants to know you on various levels. Just a possibility...

Also to Dazed from Still Stinking Sober:

I completely understand where you are coming from. I didn't have my first relationship-relationship with a girl until I was eighteen, and though that seems sad, it really isn't. It just shows that you are a little more choosy than the average Joe when it comes to whom you date, which is actually a good thing despite all the social messages to the contrary. Getting to know people before dating them is usually a pretty good way of finding out whether or not you would make a good couple. At least, that's the way I see it.

For a while, I, too, felt that my girlfriend wasn't giving off any kind of signals about when to initiate physical contact, what kind of contact she wanted, how much contact she wanted, and how much was too much, etc... Maybe she wasn't good at giving signals; maybe I wasn't any good at receiving them, but the source of the problem doesn't really matter. What matters is that, as BG suggested to you, we worked it out by talking instead of (forgive the pun) groping around in the dark for answers. If your girlfriend is, as you say, expressing verbal interest in physical contact, then that is a very positive sign. I would say that there is a pretty good probability that she would be willing to talk about it in greater detail with you for your mutual benefit.

To Massively Confused Guy from Matilda:

Ah, jeez! I was in a relationship for four years with the man I thought I wanted to marry. After a paltry two years together, we both were up for a little "excitement" and had the perfect idea: why not hook up with my best girl friend? She was into it; he was into it; I was curious about it...so what's it gonna hurt, right? Oh, man did things go so wrong, so fast. You see, I thought it would be better with someone we didn't care about, someone who wasn't part of our lives, someone who wouldn't encroach upon the uniquely private emotional place that existed between the two of us. He wanted it to be with someone we both cared about because any other way seemed gross to him. Fast forward to three months later: they fall passionately in love (infatuation, whatever), but maintain a sort of mascot/kissing-cousin/tired ol' bag affection for me. It wasn't the sex, which was fun, that ruined it. It was watching the passion kindle in my lover's eyes for someone else in a way that it hadn't flamed for me in a long time. It was waking up to find the two of them spooning in the bed next to me. Stuff like that. It ruined my relationship, my friendship, and my sense of self-esteem for years. The point of this pathetic story is: BE CAREFUL. Make the rules first. Make sure that everyone involved understands them so that when and if things get sticky (no pun intended), you at least have a framework from which to launch your manifestos of intention. You both need to be very, very clear about what you expect from this adventure. You've been hooked up for a long time, so you might have forgotten -- doing it makes everything more complicated. I won't say it's a bad idea, but I will advise you to proceed with utmost caution and respect for everyone's feelings. Good luck!

Also to MCG from Jodi:

I work at an amazing, little, non-sleazoid, woman-friendly sex toy shop in Seattle, and I'd love to address poor Massively Confused Guy. Definitely take BG's advice and have a serious talk with your woman, but don't forget to include the fact that fantasies are fantasies for a reason. The actual reality of picking up a handsome stranger can be a lot more complicated (and much grosser--what if he's LOUSY in bed?). It's very common to fantasize about being with a stranger or being watched while you have sex, and also totally understandable when you've had the same partner for many years.

May I make a suggestion? Role play! That is, you two pretend to be strangers -- to meet somewhere totally by "accident" -- then one of you picks the other up, and you go to some sleazy motel room and do the nasty all night long! Iswear this works WONDERS! It's so exciting, and there's none of the myriad unforeseen weirdness that there would be with an actual stranger! The key is you really do have to talk to one another as if you don't know each other. (This is also a great way to see a different side of your partner -- him or her on the make!) This will take a little negotiation beforehand (separate transportation, where you'll end up, are you meeting just as yourselves or does your wife want to don a wig and introduce herself as "Jennifer" the struggling actress?). Anyway, there are some good books available on the subject, and I'd suggest checking them out, but you don't really need a lot of direction for the "scenes" I've mentioned.

To BG from Mandy:

Thanks for answering my dilemma. I'd love to take your advice, but, unfortunately, the decision about my love life has been made for me. Shortly after sending you my letter, Dusty decided he didn't want to see me anymore but neglected to tell me. He just blew me off when I would call him, giving me lame excuses about how he had to work open to close, and then stock the store. And he's just a stereo installer. So I told him off.

I can't understand just why guys can'ysay, "Hey, I don't think this is working; let's call it off." So he's gone. I guess he was no big loss. I saw Marshall again the other day. We did the whole friendship thing, and I told him that I was seeing another guy but that it didn't work out. I felt kind of sad that he didn't seem to care, but what did I expect? Marshall basically told me that he fell out of love with me, which hurt a lot, but I accepted it. He thinks, though, that with our past, if I let things go the way they are now (with us just being friends while we are both in college), that we can be together someday. But, I'm doing the wise thing and saying to heck with someday. I'm not over Marshall yet, but I'm moving on. Not with another guy or anything, because I'm tired of the whole dating scene, but I'm going out and meeting new people, and who knows what will happen with a friendship that I'm developing. No prospective men on the market for me, but I'm taking the step to forget about Marshall, and Dusty is long forgotten. (Actually, that's a lie, he's not forgotten. Every time I drive past the tattoo parlor or the restaurant he took my son and me to or see an ad in the paper for the store he works at or even see a guy that remotely resembles him, I remember him.) Same with Marshall, but I guess it's just a reminder that neither of them were right for me, and neither of them had the guts to tell me they thought so. I have no dilemma that I need help with right now, I just wanted to say thank you for giving me advice, and I'm thankful that neither of them have time to surf around and come across your page to see how lame I was at even thinking I had a problem in the first place.

BG responds: Who-hoo!

To In a Mess from M:

I found your letter interesting, not only due to the predicament, but because I too am a girl with a "slight eye disfigurement." Now, I don't know exactly what type hers is, but I have a slight lazy eye that I have had my entire life. In fact, I have had 8 eye surgeries to correct the problem, and it will never totally be fixed. So. Trust me when I tell you that you are right on one part of it -- it will play into how she feels about herself. Feminism, loving-yourself-for-who-you-are, beauty from within...all good and valid but come on, this is real life and it just isn't that simple. I have managed to develop a healthy sense of self-esteem, but I will tell you what, it took work, and I will never forget the lessons of having a disfigurement as a child and then (oh, horrors), as a teenager. I still have trouble meeting people straight on in eye contact, even my very good friends, because it is indoctrinated in me that THEY WILL NOTICE THAT I AM NOT TOTALLY NORMAL. And be repulsed, etc. What I'm saying here is that a lot of her actions might just stem from the blows such an affliction can rain on your self esteem, especially when it comes to the opposite sex. We're surrounded by beautiful, gorgeous women all the time, and not only are the normal issues of weight, etc., there, but so also are the basic feelings of inadequacy because something so simple as your eyes, well, they're different too., i.e. wrong. Bad. Unattractive. Which means that she might be afraid that you're going to take off or be repulsed by what you see. And if she can get you involved physically before that happens, then she might think she has a better chance of keeping you. I'm not saying that you should stay with her based on sympathy or the fear of leaving her because she has low self-esteem. I suggest talking to her about it. If you like her and want to be with her, let her know that it is okay to slow things down. Because you're interested in her. Regardless. And if you are not interested, make it clear that you have real reasons behind it. Not because she is not Cindy Crawford. just a thought.

To Isabelle from Katarina:

During my breakup from hell (but aren't they all!), I kept thinking "there are no nice men" and "all relationships are based on lies" and "I'm unattractive -- that's why he cheated on me," etc., etc. But since the breakup, I, too, have felt like I've been "giving out some kind of signal" where lots of men seemed to emerge from the woodwork and show interest in me. And, although this is not the only reason that I've been able to feel better these last 6 months (I've also reexamined my life, made new friends, done stuff that I wanted to do), it's definitely helped to feel that there are lots of nice, genuine men out there and that I'm not so hideous after all. At least where I live, the men don't seem to have egos that are too fragile (good old Australian men!), and I definitely don't lead them on, so no harm is done and I've met some nice friend-guys (and some nice new women friends). Maybe this works better when you're the dumpee, but rejoining what BG calls the "flirting continuum" can be a really good thing for getting over a breakup (much better than, say, having a rebound romance. So, Isabelle, I wanted to say: of course don't flirt outrageously or lead people on, but also don't take the male attention too seriously -- just enjoy it. While you're in a relationship you can forget about all the other men out there, but when you're single again meeting (and in some sense "testing out") other potential partners is just part of examining your life and what you want out of any future relationships you might get into when you're ready. So, just enjoy being single while you can!

To Confused and Depressed from John:

Seems to me you started snooping because you didn't trust your guy. Something about him or your relationship made you feel suspicious enough to go snooping. It's clear that your intuition is telling you, loud and clear, that he's not trustworthy. You have to look into why, but I'd say go with your intuition for now. It's not a good idea to marry a guy whom your gut says you can't trust.

To Can't Believe I Spent An Hour Writing This from Litcritter:

I spent about half my college career bouncing in and out of a mind-bogglingly dysfunctional relationship. How dysfunctional? Well, let's just say that she nailed me in the nuts with a World Lit textbook and then convinced me it was my fault. It was bad. Then she moved away and got married to the poor sucker she'd been dating.

Anyway. I moved on, met others, and got engaged to one. Flash forward ten months or so. She starts calling and prefaces all calls by saying that she "has something she wants to say." After several phone calls, it comes out that she is sorry for having treated me so badly, that she now knows that no one has ever known her like I do. Do I forgive her? Can she be a part of my life again? I thanked her for the apology, forgave her, and told her I never wanted to see her again. Mainly, it was because the phone calls were really bothering my fiancé and because my fiancé's emotional well-being ranked way higher than that of this woman who had, by her own admission, abused me horribly. But also, there was the fact that this woman and I had a terrible relationship history, and I didn't trust her, nor did I trust myself with her.

It's not that I think she's an evil person who tortures puppies and that she's out there ruining the lives of innocent men (and women). But I do think that our relationship was irretrievably damaged and that I had to let it die a peaceful death. So, what can you do to help this man? Nothing. That's his job. What can you do to help this relationship? Again, nothing. It sounds like it's pretty much beyond repair. But what can you do for yourself? Forgive him. That doesn't mean you need to let him back into your life in any way. It just means that you need to acknowledge, to yourself if not to him, that all of the horrible things he said and did were done for reasons you will never know, be they severe emotional distress, fear, or mental illness. Just know that he made the best possible decisions he was capable of at the time. Then let him go. That way, the next time he calls, he won't be able to accuse you of being angry, and you can say, "I forgive you, now go away." On the other hand, maybe Christmas cards aren't so bad. I myself do the occasional Internet search just to be sure my ex hasn't moved back to town.

To BG from John:

Thanks for talking about Geeks and Populars. I thought that I would spill my story so maybe other Geeks would take heart and believe what you are telling them. My father died suddenly when I was 13. My mother sacrificed a great deal to be sure that I got the best education at a private school. The problem was, aside from a long term grief reaction interfering with socializing, I was the classic Geek. Black frame glasses and plaid pants (really!). I won't go into the ridicule and loneliness stories, but that shouldn't take too much imagination. I resigned myself to a life of study and hanging with other outcasts for those years. However, college gave me the chance to complete my external metamorphosis and be the person that I always was. My years of study were rewarded with success in Medical School and as for social life, well, "the rest is history." The moral to my life story is: Hang in there fellow Geeks; you will have the full life that the others are only pretending to have.

CONFIDENTIAL TO 6 WEEKS PREGNANT:

Please oh please click here. You need to talk to a pro about your feelings and your options. Okay?

< PREVIOUS LETTER