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Predicament of the Week
In which Breakup Girl addresses the situation that has, this week, brought her the most (a) amusement, (b) relief that it is happening to someone else, and/or (c) proof that she could not possibly be making this stuff up.

Dear Breakup Girl,

I'm 40 and have been married for fourteen years to a truly fabulous babe. We have two children, so it's all very responsible and suburban. I adore her. We have had some rough patches over the last five or six years (I was out of work for six months; we had trouble selling a house), but we're VERY happy together.

The issue? Sex, of course. After fourteen years, you're not on a honeymoon. We make love three or four times a month, and, while the sex is good, it's not wild-and-crazy like it was once upon a time. Me, I'm cool with that.

Here's where it turns a little weird. My beloved wife has informed me that she'd like to make love to another man, while I watch. She claims to have no particular candidate in mind, but that she thinks it would be very sexy. She admits that she fantasizes about this very scenario. I have no particular problem with her fantasizing while we make love (hey, I've imagined Jennifer Aniston a time or two), but the notion of actually watching her with another guy makes me vaguely nauseous. She would also like to watch me with another woman. Being male, of course, that scenario bothers me much less, but I'm realistic enough to acknowledge that it would be much easier for me to have sex with another girl (hopefully Jennifer Aniston), than it would be for me to watch the mother of my children with another man.

She swears she has no particular candidates in mind; I've asked. She's thinking in terms of the "perfect stranger" scenario -- that is, finding some guy for a one-nighter and then getting rid of him. Me, I think that's easier said than done, but OK.

The issue is complicated by something she doesn't know. Two years ago, a pretty close friend of mine half-seriously proposed that we swap partners for a night while we were all on vacation, and he made it pretty clear that his wife wouldn't mind a few hours on a mattress with me. I laughed it off, but if we were going to do something outside marriage, I'd much rather have it happen with people we care about.

In a perfect world, of course, we'd all have piles and piles of immensely satisfactory sex within the bounds of marriage. I've been quite happy the way we are, and I guess I see any kind of extramarital activity -- even with mutual consent -- as being one step down a slope that could lead to winding up in a big pile of sweaty strangers in some horrifying adult sex club. My wife also says that she's happy with our love life, but I have a hard time squaring that with her suggestions.

I'm very confused. Being male and breathing, sure, I'd love to boink every honey in sight, but NOT doing that is one of the points of being married. Cleave unto one another, don't you know. Now I'm concerned that she isn't happy, and, if I don't respond to her ideas, she might go off and do it on her own. I told her that my reaction was negative, but I wanted to think about it. Help!

--Massively Confused Guy

Dear MCG,

Okay. Anyone who's squirming right now, settle down. Go read any Nancy Friday anything and you will see that fantasies about/liaisons with bonus partners -- Aniston or otherwise -- can indeed be fun and more than dealable for everyone involved.

So, MCG, I am not saying for sure that your wife is happy with her sex life. But I am saying that this development does not by definition mean that she is not. It really doesn't.

Still, I certainly and completely understand why you're all in a muddle. Experts say couples -- especially long term -- should keep things lively by experimenting -- with toys, games, Cool Whip, whatever -- slightly outside the perimeter of their comfort zone. That said, of course the question of a whole nother person adds a whole nother layer of issues. (Which also means you're right that a simple one-nighter is easier said than done. So is doing it with your friends.)

MCG, if it makes you uncomfortable and nervous and totally skanked out, then by all means do not do it. Not only because you simply do not want to, but also because it will make things -- even if they aren't "bad" -- worse.

So here's the thing. Sussing out whether or not she's happy is now beside the point. The fact that you are now so confused and worried is. You've got to find a way to have a frank talk about this. Explain your reservations to her pretty much the way you explained them to me, without the Jennifer Aniston part, or the word "boinking." Then move on: instead of questioning this particular desire, ask her about sex stuff in general. What's working for her now? What's not? What other stuff would she be into trying? Is this something a pro should listen in on? The best you can do is: talk, listen, be honest, adore. I would add "cleave," but at this point, it just sounds a little dirty.

Love,
Breakup Girl

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