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Dear Breakup Girl,

I met a guy on the net who lives about 30 miles away from me. We met IRL, seemed to hit it off, and made plans to go on a real date. He called to cancel on the night of the real date, leaving a message on my machine that he had to work. I totally believed him and went out with some friends at the last minute instead. Then I didn't hear from him for several days. The night after our real date cancellation, he was in a bar and saw one of my best friends. He told her that he really liked me and that I was one of the smartest girls he'd ever met. I honestly believed he'd be calling me, since he left a message on my machine to cancel. (BTW, he said on the machine, "I'll talk to you when I can.") I especially thought he'd be calling after he talked to my friend, who told him that he should call me.

But he didn't. So I finally call him and fly off the handle in a typical girlfriend way despite the fact that I was so not his GF and had, in fact, only met him one time. So, then I feel horrible and fall all over myself apologizing to him about the way I spoke to him on the phone. I really like(d) him and didn't want to screw it up. But in my mind, if he had time to go to the bar the night after our supposed date, then he had time to take five minutes to call me.

Anyway, jump ahead a few weeks. Our contact is zilch. No phone calls. Then I see him online one day and I don't send him a message. My line of thinking is that we're more or less done, since I hadn't heard from him at all. I wasn't going to beat a dead horse. That night, I leave my job at 2:30 am (second-shift worker) to find him parked by my car. Nothing could have shocked me more. We sit and talk, and he still doesn't mention anything about going on a real date. Plus, he doesn't make a move on me, even though we're alone for an hour and a half (which I know is a GOOD thing, though it made me curious).

Jump ahead a week or so (in which we've only had minimal online contact). I go out with one of my friends, and he later arrives at the same bar. He sits with us, is Mr. Attention (he'd been at a wedding previously and I think he was pretty drunk -- I wasn't exactly sober myself...but I was not drunk), and I end up taking him to his car at the end of the evening. We talk, and he explains that he'd gotten out of a relationship just three days before he met me. I couldn't really blame him for not jumping into another relationship right away, but I didn't understand why he didn't tell me that before, as every time he exhibited the hot/cold behaviors (no phone calls, then showing up at my job), I took it personally and thought he didn't like me. I'm a very insecure person, although I'm working damn hard on not letting my insecurities rule my life.

I'm a virgin at 25 years of age, and that's the reason for a lot of my insecurities. I can't help but think that it's because of the way I look. I know I'm not a hideous monster, but I can't help but feel that way. (If anyone has seen the movie "The Truth About Cats & Dogs" then they'll know how I feel.) So I spill the beans to Mr. Attention, because I knew it was something I wanted him to know, even if we weren't in a relationship. Much to my relief, he was pretty cool about it. Not gunning to be the first one in, but not making me feel weird about it either. He even went so far as to tell me that he was very physically attracted to me and that he couldn't believe how attractive I was since we met on the net. (It's funny how everybody seems to think that they're the only normal-looking person on the net and that everyone else is a troll or something.) Needless to say, he gave my self-esteem a tremendous boost. And yes, we did mess around in my car, but he didn't try anything I didn't want him to and was a reasonable gentleman.

That was three days ago. Of course, I've heard nothing from him and have learned from our history thus far that I probably won't. My question for you is: does it seem like he's playing some sort of game? That's the way I feel. If he really truly liked me, wouldn't he make more of an effort to keep in touch with me or reschedule our date or drop me an e-mail once in a while? I don't know, even if I'm the "smartest girl he'd ever met." I'm tremendously naive when it comes to relationships. I feel like I'm overreacting when I expect something more, yet I feel like I deserve something more if everything he's told me is true. Then I end up thinking he doesn't really like me, and I come up with a bazillion reasons why he couldn't possibly like me because if he DID, then he'd make an effort. See the vicious circle I drive around in?

I just don't know if the problem is me or him. Any advice anyone can give me would be greatly appreciated.

--Bibliophile

Dear Bibliophile,

Brava on being brave enough to meet an online guy IRL. Even the Umas of the world don't always do that.

But about this IRL guy, BG is not so sure. Is he "playing some sort of game?" Nah. That would require premeditation and strategy; he's just not organized enough. He's no ogre, mind you; I just think he's kinda squirrely. Why? Dunno, but I honestly doubt it has much to do with you.

This part does: some of the traits you're trying to give him props for (say, being a "reasonable gentleman") are -- should be -- givens, not plusses. Should people call when they say they're going to? Yes. Should people do what they're expected to? Yes. Is showing up by your car at 2:30 AM a "date?" No. It may not be worth calling someone on these things directly at such an early stage, but it is not, repeat not naive of you to expect more. It's as much about old-fashioned "manners" as it is about 90s "Men."

I know it must seem that there are not a lot of fish in your rural woodland area -- or in your past -- but don't let that be a reason to grip tight to a slippery one. Hold out and hold on, Bibliophile. Be -- and stand up for -- your bad nerd self; expect what you deserve. Remember, Janeane got the fish with the dog.

Love,
Breakup Girl

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