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SHOUTOUTS

To Optimist from BG:

The Times reported last week that "optimism and self-confidence" -- unlike living with your unrequited crush -- "may prove potent weapons in staving off a recurrence of heart disease." I'm just saying.

To Krunch from Tami:

I know exactly what you are talking about because I went through a situation just like this about a month ago. But, in my case, I was more on Zach's end of the breakup. Honey, I can't tell you the reason that he is acting like this, but I do know what it was that made me act like that. I completely ignored my ex when I broke up with him because I needed the freedom. He was very needy and clingy (and I am NOT saying that this describes you, so don't think that. It sounds to me like you don't even have enough time in your day to be clingy or needy) the whole time that we were together. And even though we were the best of friends before the relationship, after I just honestly couldn't stand the sight of him. And despite all that (I know that I must sound like the world's worst person here), I cared about him too much to let him think that he had even the tiniest chance of getting back together with me. Do you understand what I am saying here? My point is that maybe he cares about you too much to see you get your hopes raised and then crushed. Give him some space for a little while, you know, stay occupied with your life (it sounds like a busy one, by the way), and then, when you see him in school or hangin' out or whatever, smile. After a few weeks of smiling, then add a hi. Then, eventually, make your move and start a friendship (not a relationship). Just give him some time, that's all he needs, I'm sure. Good luck!

To A. from Been In Those Shoes:

Did we date the same girl? Are you inside my head? Good Lord Man, you just wrote the words that have been ringing inside my own head for years.

"Its all your fault"--how many times did I hear that before I finally walked away and stayed away? Cutting herself, depression, uncontrollable anger, and "I thought I had the ability to 'heal' her, change things so that they worked". And yes, like you two, we lost our virginities to each other, but because we were so immature (but not young) and foolish, and I because I was so UTTERLY out of touch with what was going on inside her head, there was an abortion. Never forget: the most likely folks to be careless about birth control are the ones who feel guilty about it. ALWAYS BE CAREFUL!

I wish that I had the resources of BG and her Super-Duper spiffy powers back then to help me understand. It would have prevented, and eased, a lot of pain. Just wanted to say to you, and to everyone else out there who thinks they are in, or were in, or are trying to get out of an unhealthy relationship: you are not alone. They will not kill themselves if you walk out. They need help. And chances are, so do you. If you are in college, as we were, and like us, got dirt for help from the college health services/counselors--Breakup Girl has posted (and will post again, pretty please!) several Places to Go. And for her sake, for his sake, for your own sake, Go there.

Thanks for reminding me that I wasn't alone.

To M. from John:

Love is about listening, not talking.

To Ashley from So Been There:

I almost never dated in high school because I was a smart girl, and there's always that attitude that a girl can only be smart or pretty, not both. Then I got to college, where there were guys who had grown up and gotten over that stupid idea, and some who still hadn't. Now I'm a "grown up," and guys are pretty much the same. But as much as it hurts to find out a guy doesn't want you because you're smart, you will feel the same degree of JOY when a great guy puts his arm around you, gazes at you in admiration, then turns to his friends and brags, "she is so smart." That's the guy you want. I know they're out there, because I know several, and they're all raising sons, so the supply won't run out.

To Mya, from Lisa:

BG, I just wanted to let you know that the advice that you gave to Mya really help me out too. I am almost exactly the same as Mya, deflowering and all, and I absolutely love my boyfriend. But I was getting the same feelings, that I might miss out on a lot of fun if I spent my whole life with him and didn't stray off track for some flings.

I realize now, that it's an absolutely ridiculous notion. I look around now and think how glad I am that I don't have to put on a show or pretend to be happy all the time to try to attract a potential mate; I already have some one who loves me for who I am. That is one of the greatest feelings in the world when you realize it.

Being each others firsts and (maybe) onlys is not really a bad thing. I, in fact, think it is best that way. You learn TOGETHER what you like. His kisses will always be the best because he knows exactly what you like since you both were involved from the very beginning. Same with his caresses, hugs, whispers, and love making. Why would you want to go through all the fumbling and slobbering all over again "just to see?" Yuck, no thank you!

Plus, you know, in the long run, it's not going to matter how much "experience" or "background" you have in relationships; it all comes down to just loving one person anyway--so why not get a head start!

Anyway BG, I also just wanted to let you know that I especially love the advice that "a 'just in case' breakup might mean that THIS is the guy you miss out on." I think that is more true than you could possibly believe: why take the chance if you're already happier than you could ever possibly be!

Update from Bessmertny:

It's been five weeks, and I wanted to let you know that everything ended well. I have realized that

(A) I missed being in love much more than I missed the actual person involved.
(B) The person I'd loved was an idealized version of the real thing (easy in a long-distance relationship, I suppose), and the real thing was immature, self-centered, insensitive, and generally Not Worth It.

(C) Although I ignored your advice and asked her about the reasons for our breakup (after long conversations with a friend on that subject), it become clear from how she chose to deal with the question that she was not at all the kind of person I should have loved to begin with. So, now I am not at all sad anymore. Disappointed that my first love turns out to have been so childish and callous, yes. Annoyed at myself for having spent the last year in an emotionally unfulfilling relationship and lying to myself about it, yes. But not sad. I can't cry, no matter how hard I try. Because she'd have to be pretty special to be worth more than two months of tears and nightmares, and to be honest- she isn't. This probably sounds like bitterness, but my analysis has been verified by mutual friends (of course, they might just be trying to comfort me), and I've thought through things very carefully after removing my rose-colored glasses and looking at her and our relationship. And I am still treating her very nicely: as far as she knows, we are still friends. She paints my nails. I sing Catholic hymns with her. (Although I like to think that a friend is someone you can rely on to listen to you when you're upset, and I know she certainly is not.)
Thank you so much for the web site. It helped me immensely when I was still very sad.

CONFIDENTIAL TO ZEN: Yeah, he's abusive. Suggest that your friend call 800-799-SAFE, or call yourself and find out the best way to suggest that she does. Thanks for asking.

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