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Dear Breakup Girl,

Hi, again! Okay, yes, I'm still caught up in this whole "Ben"/"Polly" situation. As I mentioned, Ben is one of my very best friends, and by the end of the month, will be my roommate (apartment-mate?).

A few weeks ago, Ben and Polly broke up as a result of a big fight, in which she said some nasty things that seemed to indicate ... deeper problems in the relationship. I was totally unprepared for them to break up -- although I don't trust her, I take my own advice (and yours!) and stay out of it, and he had given every indication of being in the relationship for the long haul.

Unprepared as I was, I got used to it fast. Ben seemed to have more self-esteem and to be happier and more interesting (conversation topics other than "Polly this, Polly that" -- amazing!), even though he was understandably lonely. We completed our apartment search and signed a lease. He used her name in the past tense. I found out this weekend that she'd called a week earlier and apologized. (Never mind that it had taken her over a week to decide she "didn't mean it" -- not my business, I remind myself.) He didn't tell anyone because he wanted to make the most accurate decision, and thought that was the way to do it. She left Friday for a long summer trip, and he saw her off and decided to forgive her and get back together. He told me Saturday, and at first we had a big fight because he'd made it sound like he was keeping secrets just to see how I'd react, etc., but once he explained more fully, I calmed down.

However..... I still don't like her. I still don't trust her. I still don't think she treats him well or appreciates what she has. This doesn't affect anything directly, but she will be coming to visit him at our apartment when she returns. And she'll be calling. And he'll be talking about all the wonderful things he plans to do for her, because that's the kind of boyfriend he is. And it's going to suck for our friendship. Because I don't want to tell him how I feel about her, which means I'm keeping secrets, which equals major tension. I've been in a crabby mood for four days straight, and it hasn't escaped his notice.

Worse yet, my romantic feelings for him haven't faded. We talked months ago and I know he's not interested, and that's fine. I know I'm a hopeless romantic, so I assumed I was just being hopeless again, and that I'd get over this. It's happened before, it'll happen again, right? So why did I wake up yesterday with the certainty that this is really love I'm feeling? Yecko, hokey, I know. And being his housemate isn't going to help matters, but that's just tough, the lease is signed, and I'm looking forward to that dishwasher! How do I perk up, get over him, find a way to tolerate her for his sake, go on with my life? How do I salvage this friendship, one of the best I have, before it's too late? Help?

-- Optimist

Dear Optimist,

I'm starting to think that all this optimism is getting you in a bit of trouble. Didn't we decide that this Ben thing -- at least the Polly overlap -- was all about being close and intimate and torturing yourself, all at the same time? And now you're going to have all that ... in your own -- shared -- home?! And you say (as you did in an interim letter) that it's going to be "fine"!?

Speaking of "sharing" and "your place:" Also, you may be perfectly right about Polly. But it doesn't sound to me like their relationship is, like, intervention-worthy. Meaning that it's still not really your place to tell him how you feel about her. But see, when you're filling the dishwasher of your psyche, I'd stack that with "If You Don't Have Anything Nice to Say...", not with "Keeping Secrets." It's not some massive rhinoceros head Withhold; it's just something that -- just like your apartment, to come full circle here -- don't need to share.

See, optimism means trusting that things generally work out, not putting on a game face over gritted teeth and toughing things out for no good reason. Meaning in this case that you know, you could trust that even at this late date, you could find a friendship-salvaging sublet.

Love,
Breakup Girl

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