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Dear Breakup Girl,

My long-distance girlfriend of two years recently broke up with me. She didn't feel the same about me anymore and couldn't handle the emotional strain of distance. (It's very severe distance-- literally thousands of miles, we see each other one month a year...) From a purely left-brain and rational viewpoint, I can understand why she doesn't want us to be a couple anymore, although given how compatible we are and how well we know each other, it still seems a terrible waste.

From an emotional standpoint, however, I have been an absolute wreck for the past few weeks. I am extremely hurt, lonely, and upset. I hate being awake because I just don't care about life, and I hate trying to sleep because I always think of her.

(As you can infer, we were a pretty serious couple, emotionally. We had a very good relationship, although the distance aspect always hurt, and now I know that her commitment was not what I thought it was, which is the main reason I am so upset. To be fair, I can't really say what I'd do in her position, since my feelings for her make it impossible to accurately imagine what it would be like to be the breaker rather than the breakee.)

She does not know this. For the first few days, I told her honestly what I was going through, and all it did was worry her. Figuring that my chances of being a good friend were much worse if she saw me as creepy, neurotic, and obsessive (all true, BTW), I started cultivating a different image. Since then, I have made every effort to act like a normal friend, avoid the topic of our relationship, and generally been nice, supportive, and friendly. She does not know how hurt I still am.

Our yearly reunion (a program we both work at) is soon, and I plan to be the best friend I can. She may no longer love me, but we still know each other better than anyone else. I will most likely be spending five weeks pretending to be the most happy, friendly, well-adjusted ex-boyfriend in the world. But if we become close enough friends, I want to tell her the truth about how I still feel. If she remembers (after the last eleven months of loneliness, confusion, and emotional uncertainty) why we fell in love in the first place, I want to transfer to her college.

I read your section on getting together with past loves, and noted a few positive things:

1. She was my first love, and vice versa, which is good for our chances, right?

2. Our breakup was due to circumstances rather than personal differences.

3. My transferring to her college would certainly make the difference with regards to the "what has changed?" factor in getting back together.

4. Our relationship started out long-distance, not through e-mail initially, but real paper letters. So this is not a case of "we'll stay together even after you've moved away" syndrome.

5. I am still a socially normal person, capable of enjoying life, and I like people.

However:

I am most likely (from what I can tell) still in the stages of what you refer to as I Can't Believe She's Not My Girlfriend. I think I've made progress -- instead of crying, I now have nightmares -- but I do not believe that I would take acceptance and rejection equally well. (To be honest, I don't see how not caring about the outcome of your hopes means a relationship is more likely to succeed-- I'd think that would only mean that you're less likely to get hurt.)

Anyway, I was glad to note that I'm already following some of your advice: I'm not treating her as a counselor, because she's the one friend who can't help me get through this, and I haven't cut all ties to the rest of humanity.

But still... first love. I still think we have a future together, but I don't want to lose her friendship. I don't like lying to her about how miserable I am, but telling her wouldn't help anything, and it would make her feel guilty and me feel upset. I'm very good at smiling on the outside.

I've made a very serious emotional commitment to her, and it hurts a lot to know that her feelings for me didn't persevere, but I know that she could love me again if we weren't so far apart. (In fact, she said so herself during our breakup.) So, am I accurate in my evaluation of the situation? Would I be wrong to ask her to get together again, after we'd had some time working together as friends? Or should I just let it end?

So, Breakup Girl, am I setting myself up to have my heart broken again? (I think so, but corroboration is always nice.) Should I tell her that my normal behavior is entirely an act? Should I wait two more years and offer to go to graduate school in her city? Should I give up, grow a little older, die a little more, and let go of my naive beliefs?

(I would like to apologize for advance for ignoring your advice, which I will most likely do despite the best intentions of my rational side. Thank you.)

-- Bessmertny

Dear Bessmertny,

OF COURSE YOU'RE A WRECK. Of course, sweetie, of course. It's been no time flat since the deed was done. All this spiraly twirly your brain is doing -- well, This is Your Brain on Breakup.

Oh, real quick: about "I Can't Believe She's Not My Girlfriend." Hmm, not quite. You're talking about denial; I use this to refer to a Rebound or Relapse. It's just as well, though, that you haven't switched to the substitute; studies reveal that they're not necessarily healthier.

And about "not caring about the outcome of your hopes" -- also, not quite. It's about not pinning your only hopes on the outcome.

Anyway, other than that, your overtime-working gray matter is spewing out some pretty astute observations. But for now, that is where they should remain: in your brain, not on your calendar. And not in correspondence to her. You're not lying when you smile on the outside, no matter how high boiling you are on the inside. You're just bravely dealing and gamefacing without foisting back on her. Also, you don't really know that she's not at least simmering inside herself. So in the meantime, until the initial smoke clears, just continue to do what you're doing now: Scheme, spew, boil, roil, grieve, crave, pine, plan. As an end in itself. Muscle this thing through your system. Write it down -- to me. Cry on the outside -- to me. See? -- Hee! -- you have already followed my advice. When you're a little calmer, sweepea, ask me again about a potential reunion, and I'll give you more to ignore.

Love,
Breakup Girl

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