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Don't "Zip it!" -- SHOUTOUTS!

To BG from P.

Thank you so much for mentioning the issue of forgiveness. When reading your intro, I finally felt validated for not forgiving my ex-husband for causing me so much pain and suffering. The details of what he did are no longer important. What I found important was that I could move on and have a fulfilling life without forgiveness.

What I have found is that people are somewhat obsessed with forgiving when harm has been done. I felt that something was wrong with me for not being able to do so in this situation. I had always understood that forgiveness was for myself rather than the other person, and that forgiveness did not necessarily mean acceptance. But no matter how hard I tried, I just couldn't and the result was that it caused me more pain and I ended up feeling even angrier. Then I realized that if I am to forgive for myself, why can't the same be true for not forgiving? Anger can be liberating and so I let it in and take its natural course. I channeled my anger and worked on my self image (which my ex nearly destroyed), my career, my relationship with my family, my friendships. And although I am forever altered by my experience with the ex, I'm now a happy, content and confident person. I am so much more successful than I could have been with this person. I have let go of the pain, but I haven't forgiven him. I actually just became okay with that fact a few months ago. Reading your article just made me say "Aha!" because it articulated how I feel.

That's not to say that forgiveness doesn't have its place. I do believe that one must try at the beginning, because we are all human and make mistakes. But if the feelings just aren't there, trying to force it can do more harm. I chose not to grant forgiveness to an individual, but it didn't mean that I was incapable of moving on or forgiving others for their transgressions. Another distinction that I want to make is that I do not crave nor want vengeance. I don't hate this person anymore. That is another way to hold on to the anger or rage just like desperately trying to forgive when you don't feel like it.

And I don't feel mean or damaged for it. I feel...liberated. I do feel at peace, finally.

Hopefully this letter made some sense. I didn't mean to be purposefully vague about the details of what happened to me. I just wanted to comment on the feelings I had when realizing that I didn't have to forgive someone in order to heal from a terrible experience. If you have any letters about this subject, please put them into your advice column. I know I'm not the only one who felt guilty and weird for not forgiving and I realize now that my healing process might have been smoother if I had been more comfortable with it.

BG responds: About the "any letters," I just did. And brava -- thanks for writing. Would never have forgiven you if you hadn't.

To Domestic Goddess from Breakup Mom!

Breakup Mom thinks BG gave Domestic Goddess far too complicated a response. At the ages of 28 and 31, and after a four-year relationship, Goddess does not need to search for deep or complex motives behind her desire for a more committed arrangement. Quite simply, it's time. The one mitigating factor is the upheaval in boyfriend's life right now. Goddess certainly does not want to add to that, nor does she want to force any issues while he is feeling confused, burdened, indecisive, etc., about everything else. Nothing wrong with being his one secure anchor--FOR NOW. But only for now. Once his life becomes more settled, then excuse time is over.

If Goddess's rendition of boyfriend's feelings are accurate, I detect some serious weaseling on his part, I'm sorry to say. This couple and their relationship are old enough for some solidifying. If boyfriend isn't ready after things settle down a bit, I suspect he never will be. Domestic Goddess will need to get out there and look for someone more appreciative of both her domestic-ness and her goddess-liness.

To Sara from Mo:

A shout-out to Sara, who put the (alas) eternal questions of all single people so well. And a little amplification on BG's advice from a former super- student, slightly overweight, unfun person who survived high school and got a little confidence by doing things with people NOT from her own high school.

This is important. If you have been going to school with all these people since first grade (or 7th, or whatever), it is difficult if not impossible to change their image of you. But if super-student you gets invited to super-student stuff where you meet people who don't GO to your high school, they will be much more likely to take you on your own terms.

When I was 17, I spent the summer at the local university being a super student, and had a reciprocated crush on a 21 year old guy who was a TA. We never crossed any lines, but I knew it and he knew it and it gave me a big boost in self-confidence, plus a sign of hope that things would get better in college/when I got older. And you know what? They did!

PS Even my cute younger sister who dated in high school had to meet boys from other schools to get her dates.

To Mimi from 20-Something:

Please let Mimi know that it is not just the 40s group of men that do the flirting, calling, hanging out thing, but never ask the girl on a REAL DATE. Thank you for your public anouncement to men about how annoying this gets, but PLEASE add the 20's age group to your list. It seems men are so unsure of themselves these days.....Please guys, take hold of your "birth-right" and be the man we all know you are and ASK FOR A DATE....you look immature when you don't...

Also to/about Mimi, from Brent:

You gave Mimi some good reasons for her intended-significant-other not asking for dates, but I find it curious you didn't include FEAR OF REJECTION. Here's the shy guy's inner dialog when approaching an attractive woman:

"Wow, she's attractive! In fact, she's so attractive that she must already have a boyfriend. IN FACT, I'd be wasting my time asking out someone with a boyfriend. IN FACT, why not just keep my mouth shut so I don't end up red-faced?"

This dialog comes in different flavors ("she'd never go for me," "this train is too crowded to ask," "she'd rip out my heart and hand me it on a platter"), but they all follow the same pattern, and they all end in silence.

You advocate asking for dates almost shotgun-style: err on the side of asking, rather than not asking. This method recognizes that dating remains largely a numbers game, much like selling a product. You ask enough people for a sale, no matter how bad the product, and eventually someone will buy. The better the product, of course, the easier the sale. Shotgunning works, but it requires suspension of ego and steel skin. Not many guys, even guys in sales who are used to rejection have the intestinal fortitude.

If Mimi is upset that this guy never asks, and she wants to remain traditional (i.e., HE has to ask), then she should try the means many women have traditionally used to manufacture a date: plan a night out with a few friends and include him. It's not a date, it's a get-together. If her friends leave early, and she's left with him accidentally, then who knows what the night will hold? If he brings a date, she'll know exactly where she stands. Choreographing a date and playing a game look almost the same, but if he likes her, he won't mind. If he does mind, then it was never meant to be.

To Belleruth (re: Kat) from Janis:

A reply to BelleRuth's advice to the young woman who suspected that her ex may have had paranoid schizophrenia: I just wanted to point out that many people who think that aliens from Venus talk to them through their shower heads [John Gray? -- BG] are very discriminating in who they tell this sort of thing to -- precisely because the paranoia makes them wonder if, say, the FBI isn't somehow connected to the aliens and won't cart them away to be experimented upon should the wrong people get wind of the fact that their Big Secret is now known. I've had to go through this with my ex's sister, who I saw go from bright-if-unconventional-and-a-bit-spastic to full-on PS. PS is a definite possibility here.

BR responds: Well, as I said, it's possible that this is paranoid schizophrenia. But not so likely. 'Cause unlike the movies, and this ex's sister, not to mention three quarters of the thriller/suspense genre at your local bookstore, most people suffering from this diagnosis aren't all cagey and slick about it... they leak all over the place and you know in a second that their thinking is distorted. Yes, you'd think they'd be careful who they told stuff to, being as how they feel endangered, but, oddly (and diagnostically) they generally aren't. However, there is something else that often operates here that could disguise the looney-tune quality of this guy's communication to his honey: When we love someone, we tend to "normalize" even their weirdest productions. The halo produced by our affectionate perceptions can make a diehard weirdo look regular. It's called "cognitive dissonance" in the jargon of my trade, and it's scope and reach is awesome. We see what we wanna see. So, I repeat: most -- not all -- paranoid schizophrenics are not wily or discriminating, and you can see it if you're around it, very quickly...unless blinded by other things.

To all y'all from Nev:

Darn it, I can tell my story too, 'cause I have a happy ending, and I hope someone else gets a bit of hope out of it.

Scene I: freshman year of college. Enter sexy, crushable, punk-rocker type ver uncommon in our Southern, very conservative school. Dream Boy and I actually end up together-thrown together by forces outside of our control. We end up blissful for two years, but spend too much time together, which was Problem A: Toxic Togetherness.

Scene II: summer of long-distance. Enter sexy co-worker. Problem B: Spontaneous Breakup=Wild Oats Sowing. Beautiful summer of love with older co-worker. Back to College, get back together with Dream Boy, who is no longer so dreamy nor anarchic, sorta depressing, really. But endure for another year, sometimes happily, sometimes not. The next summer he sows his wild oats, but tries to maintain a "friendship" with me. Which is, of course, sleeping together while not dating, dating but getting cheated on, etc. After several stop-and-starts, (including a fight where I threw a whole glass of orange juice on him) we got back together for our avowed last try.

And surprise, after the thrill of winning him wore off -- nothing. No passion, just a friendly affection. How I imagined old married couples felt, but we were 21. I gave it up. He was controlling, depressing, and a good friend-but not the love I needed. So we broke it off-- for good. I even cemented it with my "breakup tattoo": as long as it's on me, he won't be.

After much partying and self-centeredness, I realized that dating four guys at once, hooking up at bars, living the proverbial Vida Loca wasn't what I wanted. I trusted no one, threw up huge walls, and still got burned. I was a mess.

So I hung out with girlfriends, cruised the streets singing cheezy pop songs at the tops of our lungs, graduated, got a job, made guy friends who really were Just Friends. Stopped paying attention to being single. When *BAM*, out of the wild blue yonder, comes Antithesis Boy.

AB is athletic, a good friend, fun to be with, brutally honest, everything-in-common kinda guy. I'm falling hard-and it's just the word for it-that delicious out-of-control feeling, but exercising extreme caution. I'm falling in love for what might really be the first time. I'm scared to death, but it's great.

So lesson learned-- you are better off not hanging onto everything and anything that used to resemble love, because there are bigger and better things out there. Love yourselves enough to let go and free-fall.

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