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Dear Breakup Girl,

I have an excellent boyfriend. I totally dig him, he's one of my best friends, we've been together monogamously for 2 years and non-monogamously for 2 years before that. I could go on at length about how great he is and how well the relationship works but I'll spare you the rhapsodies. Suffice it to say that it works -- i.e. it makes me happy. He's 31 and I'm 28.

However, I would like to take a new direction in this relationship and move in together. I have my own jitters about this, but I think I'm ready. Problem is that he is not. He's lived alone for about 6 years -- no housemates or live-in lovers He says that he would like to live with a partner eventually, he's just not sure about now. He also accuses me of falling into a kind of "everybody else is doing it so why don't we" mode, which is not totally untrue. He is, unfortunately, more perceptive than I like a man to be. Sigh.

However, I still want to do this thing, and I don't think it's because I've got my whole life scripted by other folks. He's saying let's wait. He also is at a crux in his career (he's in grad school) where everything is about to change pretty rapidly as he makes some big time life decisions about what he will do post-graduation. Rationally I believe that I should give him some time and space, as there's a lotta stuff going on, and that it makes more practical sense to move in together once we are both a little more secure in terms of our career etc.

But I can't help feeling hurt and kind of rejected that he doesn't want to live with me now. And I'm worried that there's a problem in the relationship that he's not telling me about. IE some dark secret reason why he's decided not to live with me -- my bedroom is often very messy for instance, and I occasionally leave dishes in the sink! (Yes I'm kind of joking, but only kind of...) There's also the frightening possibility that he's never going to be ready and that I will wake up to this in a couple of years and feel bitter about having waited.

What should I do? Wait it out? Give him an ultimatum? Get a cat? Clean my room? Thanks for your thoughts!

-- Domestic Goddess

Dear Goddess,

Well, it's never a bad idea to clean your room. On the other hand, a cat seems rash. Instead, here are some questions/thoughts to tape to your fridge (not his) (maybe print this out too):

1. Why -- really -- do I want to live with this guy? Is it the home sweet "honey I'm home" factor? Is the LT word less scary than -- but a thin, um, veil for -- the M word (sounds sorta like "mortgage")? And what is with this keep up with the Love Jones factor? Do I feel like I need something (eg a change of address card) to make my relationship as legit as other folks'? And is that secretly because I sense, between us, some change of heart? BG really doesn't know. You tell her.

2. OF COURSE I feel kind of hurt and rejected that he's not dropping everything to call the movers [to come over and drop everything]. That's probably just the nature of the Jealousy beast. Come on, humans get jealous of their partners' houseplants.

3. And it does make sense that those Other big life decisions could make him want to postpone this one. Could mean -- and this is a good thing -- that I am, for him, right now, a Given. Not a For Granted, mind you, a Given. I am there; it ain't broke. Everything else is up in the air; thank goodness we and all our stuff aren't. You can see why he'd want to stay put.

4. ...for a while. Ultimately this isn't about predicting his behavior/feelings (you'd need a live-in psychic for that); it's about predicting mine. What can I live with ... figuratively? (Hint: see your answers to #1. And also the first paragraph of your letter to BG.) What can't I live without? For how long? If he says he's not ready, then I can't make him be. But if necessary, I can make me be.

Love,
Breakup Girl

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