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Dear Breakup Girl,

I speak for countless, 40-something, single, independent, reasonably intelligent, attractive, fairly well adjusted heterosexual women. Please explain why a single man will do all kinds of things, over a period of time, to show that he is interested (in more than a platonic friendship) and then NOT ASK THE WOMAN OUT ON A DATE?? What is this phenomenon about? They will say and do all manner of leading things to send the message that years ago, we could accurately predict would result in dating, but now, it results in BUPKIS. We seem to do the mating dance forever, sometimes the whole relationship gets played out, and ends, and you have not even been asked out on a real date! We flirt, we talk intimately, we flirt some more, he asks for the phone number, more often, he'll ask you to call him, you do, you might have what approaches phone sex, you run into him, he's still appearing interested and seems to value your company, but NOTHING REALLY HAPPENS! Please, Breakup Girl, illuminate us! We're too old for this s**t!

-- Mimi

Dear Mimi,

I believe that there are at least three current-cultural-climate factors that play into this phenomenon:

(1) We live in an age of emotional filibustering. We can spill at length to Oprah/Officemate/whomever, but it's just that: spilling. Not sharing. No back and forth. And thus no "out." As in "ask."

(2) All this electronic stuff makes the chit-chat part easy. The real-life ask-out part is still good old-fashioned scary. More of the former crowds out the latter.

(3) No matter how much I rant and rant, many men seem to live in unfounded fear of crossing some actionable line.

So, folks do all sorts of emaily cally friendy huggy backrubby "we should hang out"y things, without ever making an Actual Move. There's something to be said for working up to The Big Ask, but at some point, yes, that kind of flirting crosses the line into flitting. Which is what gnats do. So.

Mimi and friends, here is a public service announcement on your behalf: Gentlemen, please err on the side of popping the question (the little one). Not because it is your gender's birthright, but because often when you don't, it is annoying. And it is caving into cultural trends into which I believe we should not. And -- pay attention -- because the sharp busy women you want to date will lose interest when you do not. Related point/pep talk: If you are pleasant and respectful when you ask someone out, you will not scare them. You might not interest them (sorry), but I repeat: you will not scare them. If on the off chance you do, it's because you triggered something (say, a memory of someone with that exact same freckle pattern, who scared them) that was beyond your control. But if you are nothing but nice, then that's how they'll take it. Even if you don't take them out.

But remember, Mimi, (1) through (3) are all developments of the Modern Age. Which means you can ask, too.

Love,
Breakup Girl

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