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Predicament of the Week
In which Breakup Girl addresses the situation that has, this week, brought her the most (a) amusement, (b) relief that it is happening to someone else, and/or (c) proof that she could not possibly be making this stuff up.

Dear Breakup Girl,

Two years ago, I was working in Russia and met an American guy (I'm Australian). We fell in love -- he was studying there, I was working. We lived together for several months in the apartment of this Russian woman in her late 40s-- let's call her Ludmilla. We all became good friends, although American Guy and I both saw that Ludmilla was a little eccentric and New Agey. We wrote articles in Russian for the independent magazine which Ludmilla runs. Ludmilla gave me lots of "maternal" advice about relationships based on her experience of being married 3 times to awful Russian men. American guy was 21 and I was 27 so she gave me lots of advice on the younger-man/older woman situation. Although American Guy and I spend most of our time together as a couple, Ludmilla would often come and talk to us for an hour or so in the evenings.

Meanwhile I had decided to return to Australia and do a graduate degree. American guy was distraught -- he said he loved me and wanted to marry me. I felt the same way. We decided to continue the relationship long distance. AG made plans to come and visit me in Australia in a few months. After I go, AG stays in Ludmilla's apartment for a few more months before returning to the US.

AG comes to Australia 4 months later (this is made possible by a donatiion from his wealthy parents). We have a fabulous time. While I'm in classes AG is working on a translation of a book Ludmilla has written. He starts to talk about trying to find funding for her to come to the US. We both laugh at some of the crazy things she says in her letters ie "I'm going to win the Nobel prize for this book," "I exist outside time," etc. but agree that she is just eccentric. At the same time, I start to feel uneasy that AG is a little too admiring of Ludmilla.

AG goes back to the US and then when the Australian school year is up, I go to the US to visit American Guy. I get a boring temping job to pay the exorbitant rent, but we spend our weekends and evenings together. Then AG mentions that Ludmilla is indeed coming out from Russia to live in our house. When I ask how this will be funded (we are living in a house where expenses are shared equally), AG gets angry. We argue about this quite a lot then I drop the subject. Ludmilla turns up. It turns out that I, AG and our other housemate are expected to pay her rent, food, bills etc -- although AG hasn't discussed this with us. I get angry and AG gets angry back. Ludmilla stays in her room writing the whole time, only venturing out occassionally to eat the food in our fridge. She has the heating up really high in her room while the rest of us shiver. Finally, AG gets money from his wealthy parents and gives it to me to pay for groceries and bills. I start to think that things are a bit weird, but I'm in love (you know how it is) , so I think everything will be OK.

So, I return to Australia for the next school year. We agree that I will move to the US as soon as my degree is done. Ludmilla stays in the house. AG sends me soppy love letters and gifts -- we both wonder how we will survive until we see each other again. Then I start to notice that every time I call, AG is not in the house. I leave a message and he calls me back and says: "I was hiking with/playing the violin to/talking to Ludmilla." Ludmilla is cooking him meals and eating with him, even though when I was there, she ate in her room and almost never came into the house. You can't hear the phone in her room so he didn't answer. But I figure out the time over there and it's 2 am. This happens several nights in a row. AG is yawning -- he has to be at work at 9am the next day. I get very angry that he seems to be putting seeing her over maintaining our long distance relationship. I say that I have to come first. He says that this is an unreasonable demand, saying "of course I love you but can't I have friends? You just don't want me to have fun without you." I start to suspect something weird is going on between Ludmilla and AG, however because of her age: she's 47 and he's 21, it doesn't occur to me that it could be anything sexual.

AG called me back the next day. We argued more about Ludmilla, and then he said, "You're just too rational, I have different beliefs from you! Ludmilla understands them, you don't." He has never had any "irrational (or even religious) beliefs in the past (as far as I know), so I ask him what kind of beliefs and he replies (this is an exact quote!): "I believe now that spirits live in lightbulbs and that the last supper will occur on the picnic table in my backyard." He also said that the valley where he lives has been "humming with joy" since I left. I was shocked and suddenly realised that he must be mentally ill. My grandmother is schizophrenic, and this just seemed really similar. I was really concerned and tried to express this in a tactful way, but he reacted to this by getting angry. We broke up. I talked to a psychologist friend who said that it sounded like a mental illness and that I should inform his parents and other housemate (which I did) in case things got worse.

Still, AG kept calling and emailing. I told him that I didn't think that I was a good idea for us to talk, but he called anyway. In one of these phone calls, he confessed that he had been having an affair with Ludmilla since I left. Needless to say, I was furious. Now we're not communicating at all -- which is easy since I'm on the other side of the globe. Apparently he and Ludmilla are a couple now and he's still translating her book and trying to promote her in the US. Both of them are still living off his parents' money. I emailed his other housemate and apparently he has not said anything to him which seemed at all "crazy."

So, what I want to know is: is it possible that he just said all of those crazy things in order to dump me for Ludmilla? Or could it be that are they involved in some strange folie a deux? This has got to be one of the weirdest breakups I've heard about, let alone experienced! As you can probably imagine, I'm pretty confused and angry and I don't know what to think...

-- Kat

Dear Kat,

Okay, we're gonna send this one over to our very own Belleruth for some translation. She says: "I think that you, our Aussie lassie, should be humming with joy that you're done with AG. To tell you the truth, his wacko pronouncements sound to me more like manipulation than true paranoid schizophrenia; generally, people who think spirits live in lightbulbs do not hold back and announce this only to a select few." Either way, says Belle, you should not waste too many filaments on trying to decide whether he's nuts or manipulative or what: spending time this is a way of remaining involved with him. And either way, AG's a liar, and Thoroughly Modern Ludmillie's a parasite; theirs could be a match made in Heaven (that is, by the little gnomes under the picnic table).

So. We wish you a speedy healing -- hooray for geographical distance! -- and a reminder that this may hurt now, but someday soon you will thank your lightbulbs for looking out for you.

Love,
BR and BG

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