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OH SO MANY SHOUTOUTS!

To the ever-popular Rachel from Tassa:

I am a 5'3", stout (read: fat) nerd chick with coke bottle glasses and short, messed up hair...and even though I haven't yet managed to keep a guy, there are plenty of them still after me...some blatantly hitting on me during my relationship with ****. [<-- that's another story for another letter, which I'll print soon, punkin. -- BG] Don't give up hope. I think "ugly fat" chicks can be loved.

Oh, look, here's another, from Beth:

Honey, let me tell you, I've been there. I know all about feeling like crap because you're not up to the "standard" that high school loves to impose on the curvy chicks. Yes, curvy, not overweight, or fat, or anything negative sounding. You gotta look for the positives -- look in the mirror and I'm sure you'll see something beautiful about the person looking back at you. I know there are those days where you don't feel like that, but on the days that you do feel good, look at yourself and say "Damn, I look good!" It's great therapy.

About the guys, well... they are scarce but trust me, they exist. My best friend, who's 17, would rather be with a chick with meat on her bones, not with a skinny girl, because, as he says, "I'd be afraid that I'd break her." Pretty good guy, there, huh? On the dateless issue, I'm there too, but I don't stress about it. You still have a while til your senior prom and maybe you'll meet a guy like my friend by then. If not, don't let that stop you from going and having an awesome time just 'cause you don't have a guy -- don't let not having a boyfriend rule your life or you'll make yourself feel worse and go crazy. Good luck finding that guy -- I'm sure he's out there!

To SilverWoman from John:

Depending on your relationship with your brother (if he's not the kind who'll blab on you), you could always take him in to your confidence and ask him to drop a hint to his friend that you'd like said friend to ask you out.

While this may seem like kind of a High School thing to do, I assure you that it's also done at the best colleges, graduate schools, and adult workplaces throughout the world.

I speak as someone who had to call a friend once and say "You idiot, if you ask her to marry you, she'll say yes!" They've been married six years now, have a lovely daughter...

To Law School Guy from Katherine:

OOOOOOOHHHHHH! I'm just bursting with frustration over the letter from the law school guy... Let me point out something that is oh-so-obvious to me because I have oh-so-been-there. I would bet you a MILLION DOLLARS that the reason your ex was so frustrated with her "dear friend" Melissa is because she saw Melissa making a play for you while acting the part of a loyal friend. So you see Melissa the saint being unappreciated by a neurotic friend, and you see your ex as the one with the problems.

Well guess what? Your new girlfriend is they type who likes to steal her best friend's guy. That is so totally and completely why your ex threatened you when you broke up. Because she was hoping and praying something along the lines of "Please please please don't let this guy I care about who once cared about me fall for these sneaky, underhanded tricks from this thinner, blonder girl... "

So I BEG you, law school boy, be oh-so-considerate of your ex's feelings. Because she didn't just lose a boyfriend, she lost a boyfriend to someone who was pretending to be her friend while stabbing her in the back.

It may very well be true love with Melissa, but she cheated to get you. She sacrificed her best friend's trust. And that is so uncool.

BG responds: Hey, LSG, do with this what you will. Clearly Katherine -- well, she says it herself -- has "oh-so-been-there." But of course I never said you should be anything but oh-so-considerate. -- BG

From Jo to BG:

I'm the graduate student who's been sending you long, weepy e-mail screeds for, oh, ages, about my married (now separated) buddy that I've been sweet on for years and who keeps blowing hot and cold (asks for dates and then cancels them. Makes dates and then leaves town. Begs me to move to his city and then doesn't write for months. Suggests moving in together and then just moves). I have been dazed, confused, and deeply frustrated, and my question -- to you and to everyone I know -- has been "What the hell is going on?" or "What does this guy want??"

I decided that Mike wasn't serious relationship material a few months ago, but I still wanted to figure out what was going on. So, every time he called, I saw him, producing greater frustration and more misery -- because I figured that after all this time I was owed an explanation.

And lo and behold, you've answered ("the answer is, there is no answer"). Your response to Ivy is now on my carrel wall. Thank you for the reminder that the question that you want answered might not be the question that you need answered.

BG responds: Thank you. Your response to my response to Ivy ("The question that you want answered might not be the question that you need answered") is now on my carrel wall.

Speaking of Ivy, Tom writes:

If I'm adding up the times in it correctly (started junior year in HS, there've been two Christmases since), she's a senior in HS and it's the end of April. If this is the case, the answer to herproblems with this guy would seem to be realizing that she'll be in the same social environment with him for a whopping month or so until graduation and everyone scatters. Given her comments about being on an honors track, I'd assume she's heading for college, so she'll be in a whole new social environment real soon.

From Jessica to BG:

Merci, Merci for your advice. I've been so immersed in the pre-graduation anxiety and mania that I didn't respond. However, I re-read your post often. I know I should have been more confrontational about all these happenings and said something, but in an effort to protect my already sodden feelings, I said nothing. Another thing--what could I have said? But I think with graduation coming soon, it's necessary and imperative to have a talk with him. I'm in the process of elminating certain parts of material. He needs to know how I felt about everything. I'll be fine.

BG responds: Hey, kiddo. It wasn't about What to Say. It was just about piping up at all and saying, "You know, it doesn't work for me to be treated like this. Ciao!" That's all. Meantime, do what you need to do, and pre-graduation congratulations!

From Virginia to BG:

I have to admit that I kind of jumped out of my skin when I saw my letter. Writing it made me feel a bit more focussed, and the response was a welcome surprise. Thought about the questions you posed, particularly the one about a "re-do". I DO wish that I could have done things differently... which is regretful. I think that when you've done all you possibly can, and are sure when you leave, it's just a regular grieving of a relationship (which is wretched, especially considering it is the loss of all that was to be -- the sharing of a potential future and allthe hopes and dreams that go withit) but I wasn't altogether sure, and that is what made (makes) it so crummy. And again, I think you're right. I didn't know then, and I'll never truly know if I was right to leave, and waiting for an epiphany is a fool's way of never committing to anything. Thanks for what you do.

BG responds: Who-hoo! You're welcome. Thank you!

From Erica to BG (and "males):

Hey BG -- could you please tell "Me," and all the other guys out there that referring to women/girls/chicks/babes/hot mamas as "females" is downright creepy. Every time I hear a guy say this I think: "Alert! Dehumanization in progress. Proceed rapidly to the nearest exit." There's a wealth of terms for describing adult human women without resorting to the biological -- pick one and use it.

BG responds: Weeeeeeeell, I see what you mean -- and granted, your basic "women" would be most felicitous -- but I'm honestly not going to get all exercised about it. I choose my lexical battles, and this is not one of them. My sense is that these guys don't mean to dehumanize, but rather to avoid the folks who would yell at them for saying "girls/chicks/babes/hot mamas." And while we're on the subject, I'm pretty much over the "girl" issue (Cf. my title) as well. I mean, look, the good guys have totally reclaimed "fag" and the like (n.b. look who our next guest is!); now it's all about context. Someone says, "What's her name, that girl who runs the State Department," I take offense. Someone says, "Women are lame and inferior and therefore should be paid less," I take offense. Someone says "Females confuse me," I say "Okay, let's talk."

CONFIDENTIAL TO JANE

Hey, Jane -- and other folks living with STIs -- have you tried here?

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