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HEY, RACHEL, LOOK AT ALL THE SWEET SHOUT OUTS YOU GOT, KIDDO!

From Speaking from Experience:

Go to the nearest bookstore and buy yourself a copy of MODE magazine, or better yet, their 'zine for teens, GIRL. It's time to start building some self-esteem NOW so that when you get out of the icky high school scene (we were all there at some point) you're ready for the real world, and real MEN, who don't always judge you by your size. Trust me--I'm someone who knows firsthand! Teenage boys have a hard time admitting publicly that they like a girl--any girl--so of course, it's even harder when it's a girl who doesn't fit "the mold." As you get older you'll learn to a) love yourself and b) learn to appreciate people for WHO they are and not WHAT they are--and they'll do the same for you!

From Just Some Crazy Law School Guy:

One of the thing that happens to most if not all girls in high school is that they try to figure out what attracts guys. They look around and see all the "pretty popular girls" with boyfriends and thus think that being pretty and popular is the way to attract guys. But a lot of guys are also attracted to women who do things, not just women who look a certain way. I can't tell you how many guys I knew in high school had the hots for women on the soccer, tennis, track, basketball teams, etc. Or the actresses in plays. Or women DJs or painters or skateboarders or snowboarders or, ahem, hockey players, or whatever. Women who could do cool things really well were totally hot, even if they weren't necessarily "pretty." Now of course, women who think they're ugly are sometimes good at things anyway, but those things are often uncool with guys, like grades and poetry, and church and stuff like that (okay, okay, so I'm regressing a bit.. but hang with me here). Very few guys are going to run to their friends and show off the really dramatic, depressing poem the girl across the hall wrote them about how ugly and fat she is. But they will get off diggin' on watching her practice with her band, going to her art opening, watching her play in a game against a rival school, etc.

The problem, of course, is being good at something cool. Being good at something usually means you have suck at it for a while. And sometimes you never get very good. Being "pretty" is something that only comes easy to certain women, usually those who have money and a pre-disposed body type, but girls get sucked into it so early, they almost don't even realize that it's the same kind of route. Ideally you find something you like to do and do it well, but if you're really going to do something just to attract a guy, it'd be healthier and probably more successful in my mind to be good at something cool rather than try to change the way you look.

Anyway, just some thoughts. If you don't want to play the pretty little girl game, change the game.

From Been There at 15:

I hear you loud and clear. At 15, I was chunky, not very attractive and none of my crushes was ever requited. Guess what? 16 was the same story. In fact, by the time I graduated high school, I'd been on a total of two dates (one a triple-date and one outing with a "just friends" guy), and no prom. And I won't kid you by saying it didn't suck.

But you know what else? It wasn't the end of my life, and I actually had a pretty good time. I had a couple of close girlfriends to hang with, I was busy with activities I enjoyed (music lessons, school paper, movies, etc.), and though I got depressed sometimes at the thought of possibly never having someone to love ever in my life, I tried not to let it consume my being. Plus, I had a great vantage point from which to watch the people who *were* dating go through fights, flirting with other people, devastating breakups, and yeah, even a couple of unexpected pregnancies. Not a total consolation, but it was kind of nice sometimes to see that even the popular crowd had its problems, too.

And then came college, which was a blast, and the dating situation improved a bit. Long story short, yada yada yada, I finally found The Right Guy and was smart enough to marry him.

I know I'm not you, and it may not be too comforting to hear from someone older and married, but I hope you'll at least take to heart the message that being dateless at 15 isn't fun, but it also doesn't have to ruin everything else. Just keep doing what makes you happy (or find a few new things that do), be proud of who you are, and who knows? You might get luckier than I did at your age. Good luck.

From Optimist:

First off, let me echo BG's bravissima on knowing that liking your body and changing your body are very different concepts. I'm 9 years older than you, honey, and I'm only just getting that one down. So although it may not be much comfort in the short-term, let me tell you what it looks like 9 years down the road, because you remind me an awful lot of ... me.

1. When you don't get to date a lot, you get to know yourself pretty well. And you get to like yourself pretty well. And you get to choose whether you feel like dating someone or not, because you do just fine on your own. And when you do choose to date someone, it has a good chance of working out, because you won't be in the relationship just to be in a relationship.

2. If you want to feel better about your body and yourself, let me throw a few tips your way that have worked for me:

-- as BG said, exercise. It's hard to get going, but it feels great. And it gives you more energy, helps you sleep better, improves your moods, etc. Plus, you just might meet someone while you're out for a run. :-)

-- smile. I had a crush on a particularly cute guy in college and one day was walking around smiling because I was thinking about him. You wouldn't believe how many men smiled at me as I passed them on campus. And it's not like I looked any different than I had the day before.

-- look in the mirror. Get used to how you look. Stop looking for what you don't like about yourself and start looking for what you do. And once you stop filtering the chick in the mirror through Madison Avenue's eyes, you're going to start liking how she looks.

-- And hopefully, someday down the road, you'll meet a man who actually likes (and I mean prefers, in a non-fetish way) non-skinny women. It freaked me out at first to be with someone who found flab sexy. But it also did wonders for my self-image, and even though we've gone our separate ways, I still remember (fondly) how un-ugly he made me feel.

Good luck, and as much as it sucks, be patient. You're already a much more interesting person than those shallow people in your class. And it won't take 9 years 'til someone notices.

From Ephy:

Wow. Your letter sounds like an echo of my own voice from a couple of years ago. I never used to know whether or not I was ugly or not for real, but I always thought I was the ugliest person in the whole world.

I went to my junior prom with this guy I had a leftover crush on from junior high (I ran into him the week before and like a complete dumbass, asked him to the prom -- what was I thinking?!) So the experience was awkward, forced and turned out to be not really worth it, and even a bit embarrasing. I couldn't get the courage to tell him the real reason why I'd asked him to prom (as 'friends') even though he brought it up at some point. Senior year, after being embittered by this and a couple of other horrible pseudo-dating experiences, I decided to hell with prom and set up a "non-prom" for myself and a few friends who also weren't going. I composed a "non-prom" manifesto, declaring everyone exempt from peer pressures etc.

We rented Prom Night and Heathers, and I made everyone gift bags with cheesy fake glitzy tiaras, candy hugs and kisses, star stickers, etc. I basically declared everyone "unofficial prom queen." We made a night of it, and then went to after prom to make an appearance and say hi to people. Then we did the 4am breakfast thing. It wasn't the same as going to prom, but I still have pictures to show for it, and better memories than being alone and sulking. Even if you don't go to prom, you can still do something positive to make yourself feel a little better. You can even steal my idea if you want.

Also, I know how much it sucks to have people tell you that "oh there's someone out there..." so I won't do that, but I will give you something to think about. Sometimes people in high school are too concerned with peer pressure and what people think that they're afraid of anything different, even if it's just someone who has a larger body. Even if you don't find someone now, (or if the people you know aren't compatible) you might find someone later in life after the guys your age (maybe even a little older) have grown up a bit. It took me until college (I'm 21 now), but I am now in a happy relationship with a wonderful guy who loves me for who I am, and even finds me attractive! (yeah, me!) and will be celebrating my two-year anniversary next week. Take care.

PLUS A FEW MORE

For Missing Him from Hummingbird:

You sound like you're living my life a year ago! Missing, what is it about this emotionally UNavailable man that has turned your commitment-phobia around? And what is it that makes you totally and REALLY love a messed-up guy with issues to work out who may actually be a genuine piece of bad luck?

I swear I'd be sure you were writing about my ex, except for your guy's age. And I have to admit that I had some help walking away from my GPOBL -- after we got back together, he dumped me again, saying he realized he wasn't ready for the commitment that HE had been begging for! I can't tell you that I would have had the strength to do it myself. But at least I had the wisdom by then to realize that it really was not meant to be.

Childhood abuse can make people really clever at hiding who they're afraid you might see. But you can learn a lot anyway. You can talk to someone really smart about why you're willing to trust this guy with your heart when he's so clearly untrustworthy. And you can do this while you're seeing if his epiphany lasts more than a few months.

For BG from Ted

1- The response of your friends to the bisexual fantasy also struck me as very intuitive. I think it's true that so many men have a hard time getting one woman to think of them as attractive that having two women who find you attractive and invite you in to their world is the ultimate kick. That is the essence of the appeal I think. Of course all that is in the world of fantasy and whether or not it works in the real is really not the point is it. Whatever gets you through the night, right?

2- Your reply to Samantha was right on. When I read her letter I was thinking Gong! (my jaw drops agape) -- it's a younger female version of me. And then you begin your reply by stating she is the female version of the "nice guy" Amazing! Just what is the source of these super powers? I know you can't actually reveal that.

Oh, yes I can. -- BG

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