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Dear Breakup Girl,

What a quandary. I was going out with B. for five years. I moved to another city with him in the 4th year (we both had new teaching jobs in the new city). My job was not going to be renewed so I returned to the city where we had met to pursue a Master's Degree. He said he would come back and join me, and he kept stalling. He didn't want to live together while we were in the new city together (I was 26 at the time, he was 33). Generally, I felt that he was taking our relationship for granted.

Then, I started finding a lot of fulfillment in my new studies, and increasing impatience with his lack of verve, or excitement about the future, and our relationship. Mostly, I was visiting HIM on weekends, not vice versa.

Following this, I met this guy who was a professor in the department (not my prof. -- no conflict of interest). I broke up with B, and started seeing Prof. The transition was rocky, and that is the undersatement of the century.

He (Prof.) is a kind, loving person who really invited me into his life, was interested in sharing the future, was excited and enthusiastic about "us." I, however, was distressed to no end about the break-up. Guilt-o-rama. B., incidentally, changed his tune, and said that he had changed, realized the error of his ways, and his only dream in life is for us to get back together, get married, have a family, etc. This confused me and tore me apart, and believe it or not, continues to do so.

I have fantasies about going back to B. I know this is unfair to Prof. By the way, we are now living together. After being together for a year, he really was keen on living together. I was hesitant, given the fantasies, but thought I would take the plunge, and hopefully the new domestic arrangement would expunge those lingering thoughts.

Wrong.

Now the dilemma: Is it completely insane to leave prof. to go back to B.? Logistically, it would be difficult, as B. still lives in the other city, which is approx. 300 kilometres away. I know Prof. (who is 42 and I am now 30) would be sssooo upset. The original breakup was so heartwrenching with G., and put me in such a deep funk, that I can't take the thought of doing it again. And sometimes I feel like I'm going in circles. I am in occasional contact with B., via email. Saw him in person 3 weeks ago when he was in town. Messed me up for days and days. Great to see him, after effects were crazy. Could not get along with P. However, I had cut off contact entirely with him for around 6 months at some point.

On the bright side, professionally, my new career seems to be really taking off. In the home city. (Again, complicated logistics. However, my skills are pretty portable, in case I wanted to move to the new city, where B. resides).

BG, I just turned 30. I'm not worried about getting old, per se, but I am really really wanting to have children in the not-too-distant future. Really. I've always wanted children, and think I would be a really good mother. The desire has never felt as immediate. In fact, it has never been a pressing thing, just this abstract idea. Now, I watch the stupid baby show on cable and cry (maybe that is the most sane part of this letter -- of course no one would cry at the birth part; it looks so painful and harrowing.)

Thing is, I guess I better get that relationship thing down before thinking in terms of little babies. HELP! What to do?

-- Virginia

Dear Virginia,

I'm not convinced that you don't have the relationship thing down; nothing in your letter is not "sane," except maybe the fact that you watch that baby show in the first place. See, here's what you did. You left a long-term relationship that you wasn't -- at the time -- fulfilling (when other stuff in your life was). Then you got involved with a kind, loving person. Then you got confused because you realized that there might be some unfinished business with the first guy. You have tried to do what you can to quell this confusion, but so far it hasn't worked. You dread any potential/additional breakup(s) because breakups suck. Also, perhaps independently, certain hormones seem to be kicking in. And/yet all along, none of this has really interfered with your career.

There's no problem here,Virginia, except the quandary itself.

A few (non-leading, I swear) questions that might lead you to an answer:

1. Is this guy -- kind and loving though he may be -- Professor Rebound?

2. Do you want B back, or do you just want a do-over?

3. As far as you can tell, would B actually walk the talk?

4. Is the fact that someone would be upset a good reason to not leave them? (Okay, THAT was the only leading question.)

5. At this point, in some twisted way, is uncomfortable limbo more comfortable than commitment, one possibly involving "the birth part?"

I really don't know what "the right" answer is, Virginia. But don't wait for a blinding flash or peaceful sense of truth to come along before you decide. Remember, many things that may start out "painful and harrowing" are truly wonderful.

Love,
Breakup Girl

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