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A BIG SHOUT-OUT CATCH-UP

From Kaitlyn to The Truth is Out There:

I just ended a relationship that sounds almost identical to yours. I met a guy whose upbringing and world view were diametrically opposed to mine and who was also a TALKER and passionate (and a passionate talker). I got into the relationship with him thinking it would be a fling and we fell in love. We were great for each other for a year. Our philosophical, religious and political differences were grist for our conversation mill and he introduced me to many things that I had never done, including letting myself be totally loved. He wanted to get married but I was never sure that our relationship would last forever, and I plan on marrying only one time. I struggled long and hard with this decision because I loved him but I didn't know if that was enough. Our relationship began to go downhill when we both realized that our differences had ceased to be something we could agree to disagree on and we realized that we wanted different things out of life. We fought against breaking up for 6 months before giving in. That was 6 months ago and things may FINALLY be settling down to where we can build our friendship and let go of our romance. We still love each other and I will never regret getting into (or out of) my relationship with him. Truth, my comments are these: It sounds to me like your relationship will end simply because you are already questioning it and you because you are moving and he is standing still (he is satisfied with his status quo and you are changing your status quo). There is only so far you can go before it becomes too far to run back to him. If there is a way for it to end well, where you won't regret the relaionship in full (i.e. not running it into the ground but getting out while you still have good memories and warm feelings), by all means take that opportunity. I think I hung onto my relationship for too long, hoping that we would work it out but somehow knowing that we couldn't. Trust yourself, you are wiser then you know. Good luck. My relationship was well worth it; I wish you the same.

From Delilah to Marie:

I empathize with you. I have been in your situation several times. An older, gorgeous married man wanting to sleep with you can seem like a fabulous compliment and ego boost. You can think "his passion for me is so strong he is willing to break his marriage vows!". And somehow that seems like a good thing. It's not. Trust me. Here's why:

1) He is willing to break his marriage vows. This indicates that strength of character is not his strong suit-- to say the least.

2) He wants to have sex with you-- not take you to dinner, get to know you better, hear your opinions on various matters, etc. It's not that much of a compliment.

3) After you have sex with him, he will go home to his wife and you will be left alone. And you won't be feeling good about yourself, trust me.

4) For all you know (and despite anything he might say) he propositions women all the time. Do you really want to join a harem?

5) Here's the important one (and I learned this the hard way): People who love and respect themselves do not put themselves in situations where they are in second place in their partner's life. Have you ever heard of an "other woman" who is happy? You deserve a partner who respects you, who considers your needs, and puts you first.

[Thanks again, Breakup Girl. Marie is my little sister's age-- for all I know she may be my little sister with a pseudonym-- and I thought she needed a little more discouragement. I wish I'd had had it.]

Update from Could Be Happier:

Since I wrote to you, all annoyed that my boyfriend popped the question before he had done the right thing (i.e, ring, roses, romance,) I thought you might want to hear the denouement.

I had picked up a few hints that a ring might be in the offing around Christmas time, but it could also have been a nice bracelet or watch. A few weeks before the holiday, in my usual holiday freakout mode, I began to have doubts about the big C. (Commitment, not Christmas.) It wasn't so much, is this the man for me, it was more, do I want a man permanently in my life? I'm very happy on my own, have many friends, a rich inner life, make a good living, etc., etc. My boyfriend sensed that I was withdrawing, so I told him a little about what was going on. (Although I assured him this did not mean he would come home to packed bags.) Of course, this made him insecure, so he asked me to marry him. This time, I said, I want to think about it.

Sometimes, when I'm having a major life dilemma, I let my little inner voice take over. (I know, I know, how New Age, but even a stopped watch is right twice a day.) This time, while I was vacuuming or doing the dishes or picking my toenails, my little inner voice said, What, are you crazy? You love this man more than anyone you've ever loved. How could you consider losing him?

Well, that done, I wanted to tell my boyfriend. But it never seemed to be the right moment, because we would have a ton of holiday shopping, or people were always around, or whatever. Finally, on the morning of Christmas Eve, I e-mailed him from work telling him that the answer to his proposal was yes. But he was on vacation already, and had already checked his office e-mail before I sent my missive.

Finally, very early Christmas morning, after midnight mass, we were alone. I asked him if he wanted to check his e-mail again. No, he said, I'm on vacation. I said, maybe you'd better check it. There might be something you want to see. He read my e-mail, then told me that there was a present under the tree that shouldn't wait until we woke later that morning. It's a beautiful ring, not only because it's beautiful, but because it's perfect for me, and he chose it.

And I learned an important life lesson from all of this. Romance is not about the carefully planned moment. Romance is about the moment that comes after the false starts, the silly gaffes, the near disasters. And you never forget it.

Slight panic regarding Brad from Worried:

Help! I feel my masculinity is threatened! What's a glue trap? Is it still important if I don't bake cupcakes?

BG responds: Not if you don't have mice.

Update from Erin:

I got a call from the boyfriend yesterday telling me he would not be returning to our college after Christmas. I asked why and he said he just missed home. I was a little shocked because when I said well, I guess I'll get to see you when you come to get all your stuff, he replied, well, I didn't tell you but I already moved it all back. (He left for home after I did.) He said all that was really left was his stereo but I could have that and that he was mailing me his dorm key so I could retrieve it and all my stuff that was in his room and then if I didn't mind I could turn the key in to the front desk for him. That was basically our phone conversation except for the fact that he would come and visit me.

This is going to make it easier for me to do the deed which might even be today because he is separated by six hours from me and we won't have to feel awkward when we hang out all next semester because he won't be there. And besides, it seems to be like he's already starting to move on. I think he's doing this because he senses that things are coming to an end between us. It makes me sad, I still have all those icky feelings, but I think about past breakups and while I never had those feelings this strong, they were there and they went away. It's all about doing what is best and you are right, BG, I can't take care of him. He has to take care of himself.

Reading my letter here on this page made me realize even more things than writing it and your advice was SO helpful. (thank you thank you thank you! You are so wonderful! Sorry about the wisdom teeth, though. Had that done myself...excruciating doesn't even cover it! I had green and yellow bruises on my face!)

I think I was in a classic case of "well, I'm not happy, but it's not that bad..." But now I see that it may not be the worst relationship to be stuck in but it isn't wonderful either and I have been happier. It's going to be hard to breakup but it's not going to be any easier later on.

As for Crush Boy, well, I still like him. And I don't think it is his illness that makes me like him because I liked him for about 4 or 5 months before I even knew. And his illness is not new to me because everyone on my dad's side of my family has it almost, which is one of the reasons it doesn't bother me. Also it is just another part of who he is. I thought about something, though, that you said, BG, about my need to take care of people...I think it's a habit. There are quite a few elderly members in my family that my dad, my mom, and I have to take care of. (Cleaning their house, fixing their meals, everything) And one of the people I had to help take care of was my grandfather and he had CB's illness. So I can see where you are coming from when you said that maybe that was what was fueling my crush. And maybe there is a little truth to it. Still, I didn't know anything was wrong with him until just recently and knowing sort of made it to where I was someone who understood about what he had to deal with and he doesn't feel weird around me when he has to take a shot or whatever. He told me it embarrassed him in front of other people. (Why, though, I don't know.) But, still, I am also taking it "one boy at a time" as you said. I can simply take my relationship with CB slow...after I have my breakup and feel ready to enter the dating pool again.

Thank you BG, for printing my letter. It has given me the view on my situation that I needed. Now instead of thinking about breaking up with my boyfriend and thinking "Should I?" I can confidently say, "I should."

From EPK to Clueless:

YES, there are men who are committed to finding and maintaining a monogamous relationship with a woman. Sure, I bet you know that, and the question was probably rhetorical, but I didn't figure it would hurt to let you hear it from someone else. Please don't give up on us yet.

Update from Annie:

Thanks for your advice -- I wanted to let you know how things worked out. I brought it up again, and told him I really needed him to be just mine. Turns out, he was going to break it off with the other woman anyway. (Seems that he doesn't actually have enough time for two girlfriends -- go figure.) But he hadn't done it yet, and waiting in limbo was going to kill me. So, we agreed to be just friends until further notice (ie until he got single). Well, he got single. Fast. And after the space, and the hellish be-friends period, we managed to put it back together, and man, this totally rocks. Thank you for listening, and thank you for your help.

From J to B:

Tell B I'd definitely love it if he hit on me.

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