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Dear Breakup Girl,

I just initiated a breakup with a guy I've been dating for 3 months. We met through a Christian Internet site, and I thought I had finally found my one true love. We had so much in common, and we fell in love after only a month. He proposed to me while we were watching the video "Titantic" (how romantic, huh?! -- Yeh, gag me with a spoon).

Anyhow, he told me about the physical abuse he had suffered at the hand of his father when he was young, but I didn't see any hard evidence to prove that it was affecting his present judgment, our relationship, or, most importantly, his religious views. Until the last few weeks!! -- specifically this weekend -- I walked out when I realized I had been dating Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. I don't want to go into any details, as he is a real "cyber-space nut" and hellfire will fall on me if he finds out I've even written to you.

Geez!! -- I've been divorced 12 years from my last husband (who I discovered was a murderer after we were married, and who left me for a woman 15 years his senior), and I have waited 3 years to get over a relationship very similar to the one that the "QT Lover" described in his letter to your column.

Why does this continue to happen to me? I feel like giving up on relationships entirely. I am 40 years old, and even though people tell me I look only 35, I FEEL about 65!! Old, tired, haggard, and becoming senile.

I think I have read just about every book about "Tough Love," "Submission," "How to overcome being a 'Pleaser,'" and "How to avoid the misogynist."

Believe it or not, even though I loved this last guy (Let's call him Mr. Ricardo) I haven't shed many tears over the breakup.

Could it be I cannot recognize or feel real love anymore? Is it possible to find a decent man in this degenerate society who loves God, instead of kinky sex? I would like to know if there are men out there who desire a monogamous relationship with the OPPOSITE sex???

I guess I'm in what you would label the "ANGER" stage of my breakup. It was quite profound, and I am left clueless. So, I will sign off as nothing less than that...

-- Clueless

Dear Clueless,

Yep, I'd call that the anger stage. And it's a good thing to have. I don't really need to know what the Jekyll factor was -- though I certainly can hazard a guess -- because what smarts, mostly, is the hiding part. Right? The "I thought I knew you" thing. And then it turns out that the thing you didn't know is something that really doesn't fit with your values. So anger, yes, fine.

As long as it's a stage. Because what you've gone through Clueless, may not be a pattern, may not be a "continue to happen to me" thing. It may just be that any dating service/cyberyente/whatever -- even a Christian one -- is bound to have its clunkers. The same can be said, verily, for any life, even a Christian one.

So it's only a pattern, Clueless, if you make it one. I know you're smarting, but not to go around assuming that any man, other than Kenneth Starr, is a kinky degenerate misogynist until proven Christian. That attitudewill make you old, tired, and haggard. Meet people face to face, in groups, at churches, in less rareified situations. Let your lives intertwine gradually, sincerely. Fall more softly and slowly, if you can. That way, any less-than-welcome information will be data worth considering, not a bone-crushing blow. Also, consider any Titanic-inspired proposals suspect -- especially those that come after only three months -- unless they come from the man (Leo) himself. Otherwise, hold out for the real thing. You will feel it when you quit trying to prove that you can't.

Love,
Breakup Girl

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