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Dear Breakup Girl,

One and a half years ago, I started to date a man six years older than me, I'll call him Jay. Well, Jay is the total opposite of me: I am striving to enter law school next fall, and he has yet to do much with his life academically. Initially, I entered the relationship thinking "Won't this be a fun summer fling?" That mentality was quickly overpowered by his charm and his loving nature; he is truly a good hearted, kind, well meaning human. However, recently, I have been having my doubts. I am 25, and I just don't know if I can settle down with this fellow. He is financially living paycheck to paycheck, he drinks heavily (working in a brewery does propagate this behavior), and he is a TALKER, not a DOER, something that I am slowly beginning to despise in him. I, on the other hand, am a DOER, not a TALKER.

Our relationship has always been very passionate, filled with intimacy and a genuine interest in each other. We always enjoyed the fact that our differences provided us with great discussions and arguments, as well as a way of making the relationship interesting. However, I think I have hit the proverbial brick wall with him, and I need to know if I am being petty or practical in my assessment of our relationship.

I do not see him as progressing at all. He is perfectly content as a sous chef at the brewery in this college town we call home. He does pursue other interests, however. He hs turned me on to so many new interests, as well. But, being the ambitious person that I am, I do not know if I could--or should--stay with this guy. I want to make something of myself, not support a boyfriend in his musical endeavors through my prime. I value an education, and he is not educated--at least not to the level that I feel is adequate.

What is wrong with me? He is wonderful to be around. He treats me well. He is, by far, the best boyfriend I have ever had. Is it wrong for me to dismiss him simply because he does not have a degree or direction? I can overlook the drinking, because I enjoy an occasional beer now and then (although unlike Jay, not every night). Am I a complete snob for considering to dump the most wonderful, kind hearted, fun, intriguing man I have ever dated?

Should the fact that he makes me happy outweigh the fact that he is virtually going nowhere, at least not the places I see myself going?

It's a tricky situation, and I need advice. PLEASE, Breakup Girl, what should I do?

-- I Know The Truth is Out There

Dear Truth,

Nothing's wrong with you. You are not a complete snob. These are excellent concerns to be admitting to, important questions to be asking. Look, sometimes education and ambition and accomplishment are more than boldface on an excellent resume; sometimes that is ink-on-paper evidence of an inner resolve that you may legitimately seek and need in order to be compatible with someone else. It's not about eugenics, it's about having core stuff in common. So it's fair for you to be raising questions about your future and his, and whether they'll be shared.

But what you've described is not some classic Lawyer Loves Slacker movie set in Seattle. This guy does not sound like some bump-on-a-bar loser who's dragging you down. He may not be rich, but he's not in financial ruin, right? He's not kvetching about his job and swearing he'll start his novel tomorrow, right? He doesn't resent or belittle your ambitions, right? And on the other extreme, well, would you rather be with a brewery sous chef who is, indeed, "perfectly content," who has the time to pursue -- and share -- other interests, or with a brilliant fancy lawyer who carries his cell phone on the treadmill and is all shriveled inside.

Yes, I'm giving you the gift of perspective rather than a straight stay vs. go answer. But I will tell you straight out that if you stay with him for any sort of while, you are going to have to address some of this stuff before it ferments. As in, how will you make ends meet ... in the middle? Is his drinking really a problem? And if these aren't the kinds of things you want to have to deal with in a relationship in the first place, that's totally totally fine. If you're looking for an out, that's truly fine too. But if you take that out, the DOER you date next better be educated and accomplished AND wonderful, kind hearted, fun, intriguing, and content.

Love,
Breakup Girl

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