< PREVIOUS LETTER   ||   NEXT LETTER >
 

Dear Breakup Girl,

From February through early August of this year, I had an off and on fling with a man who lives in England. He and I had a professional affiliation (and still do) and he was going through a bitter divorce. So yes, I ignored all warning signs. I am not sure why, but the time I spent with him was absolutely earthshaking to me. He was my friend. When he was around he was kind, intuitive, supportive, affectionate, etc. I felt like he understood me in a way that only my very closest female friends have. He seemed to be intensely interested in what I thought and said, and encouraged my creative ambitions. This was especially important to me because he is ten years older than I am and a successful film director. The sex was inconsistent: sometimes great, sometimes "ehhh" -- but I experienced my first orgasm with him.

I know now that I was able to be extremely open to him precisely because he was unavailable, that he thought of us as friends who had sex every now and then, and never saw the potential for an actual relationship. But, I was the first woman he had even kissed for the eight years he was with his wife (note: they were only actually married about 8 months before they separated-- another warning sign ignored) and I thought that made me special. I was wrong.

We had a blissful week in New York every now and then (he was always here for business, not to see me) even when we were both seeing other people. The last time he was here, he told me that the woman he was dating gave him the ultimatum-- commit or it's over. Then we spent the night together. It was the night before his first anniversary with his wife. Then, after a couple of days of working together, having dinner, etc. he would just go back to his hotel-- giving me just a peck on the cheek. I thought this was cruel, if he was going to end the relationship he should do it in a straightforward way. I told him I was hurt, he apologized, and we have been cordial, even friendly since then.

Fine. But I wasn't just hurt. I was devastated. Four months later, when I am dating several wonderful guys and should be blissfully happy, I am still crying as I write this. For the most part, I have stopped thinking about him. I have moved on. But the problem is, he still calls me frequently. I am friendly and offhand. Sometimes he has a legitimate professional reason. Lots of times he is "Just calling to say hello, really." What I would like to do is to tell him to please limit his calls to business matters. To please not perpetuate this sham friendship. I want to tell him that I don't like him as a person and I am not friends with people who hurt me. At one point, I wanted to be his friend desperately, but now I see him as cold, manipulative, and self absorbed. He is these things-- his best friend and business partner (also my friend) told me this months ago and I didn't believe it. The problem is, I do like him. I was madly in love with him. I still think of the time we spent together as very happy. I am hurt that he has found a woman, not his wife, who he would rather be with than me. I am hurt because I let myself be vulnerable and was willing to give all of myself to someone who didn't really care. I need to cut off contact with him in order to get over this, but I don't think I can without breaking down and I WILL NOT let him see me cry any more. I feel like I need to wait until I can do it dispassionately, but how can I when he calls me every week? Every time he calls it is like he puts a little fish hook in me. I hate it. How can I separate myself with dignity? I am afraid none of my potential relationships will work out until I do.

-- Delilah

Dear Delilah,

Of course you ignored the warning signs. That's what warning signs are for. That's what people do to warning signs. And if you hadn't ignored them, you'd write to me wondering if you'd been too cautious, written off true love too soon.

So if you want to tell him to limit his calls to business, be my guest. In fact, I encourage you to ask him to -- in so far as this is professionally manageable -- limit his calls, period. But I'd skip the stuff about hating him, hurting you, being cold and manipulative, etc.. 'Cause that's not really business either, is it? Expressing those feelings to him -- if you must -- sounds like a job for the written word.

But Delilah. I'd say the person you really need to write a note to is you. I think you're stuck on him partly because you're mad at yourself for -- all together now -- Ignoring the Warning Signs. And you're worried about moving on to more relationships because you're afraid you'll mess up and miss them again. Write yourself a note saying you're hurt and mad at yourself, but that you're also human and normal. Remind yourself that you did what felt right -- or at least delightful -- at the time. I mean come on -- a British guy who listened and supported you and gave you your first big O? Hey, signs don't look so "warning" when you're swooning. Give yourself a break. And from now on try to make out the signs -- MARRIED -- CO-WORKER -- while they're still pretty far up ahead.

Love,
Breakup Girl

< PREVIOUS LETTER   ||   NEXT LETTER >