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Dear Breakup Girl,

First, my condolences to you and your family about Breakup Dog.

It's Silent Bob, back with the latest installment in his drama with Chasing Amy.

I followed your advice back in August and told her my feelings. She admitted that there was some interest from her end, but was unwilling to breakup up with her boyfriend. We continued to spend time together and over the next couple of weeks grew even closer. Then one day, she admitted that I was her soulmate and that she would have to break up with the boyfriend. (For those who are too afraid to tell a friend that they LIKElike him/her, sometimes it does pay off -- and this comes from someone who is fairly shy!)

Naturally, I was ecstatic but had some reservations. There was the issue of when we would start "dating" for real. After all, she needed some kind of "mourning period" after a two-year relationship. But in a way, we felt like we were already in a more-than-casual relationship -- at least emotionally, if not physically. So it seemed strange to hit the pause/stop button and take some time apart. We decided to do what felt right, and continued seeing each other.

The ensuing several weeks were wonderful -- not perfect, but close to it. All the things I felt that made us a perfect fit were confirmed by every conversation and outing. We were made for each other, and I had the clearest visions of us sitting on that proverbial porch 40 years from now. As you had said, I had been "near" or "with" love, but was about to be "in" it.

One issue though was how she would go about getting over her ex-boyfriend. I, like many, believe in going cold turkey for a certain period of time. She couldn't bear the thought of just cutting him off, so I respected her wishes. I soon began to sense that Amy's heart was not completely in the relationship. She admitted that she had become emotionally dependent on me, and, in a way, I had become a surrogate for her ex because she had moved immediately from one relationship to another. Right then, I knew that even though she was probably The One (TM), she was not ready to be with me.

So I broke up with her. We agreed that for any relationship between us to work, she needed to feel independent and self-sufficient; and that the only way to do this was for her to go cold turkey on her ex-boyfriend and me.

If, and when, that day comes when we can get back together, we need to start from scratch, be new to each other, and rediscover what drew us together and made us feel like soulmates. That is, assuming that she will still want to be with me once she finds this emotional strength and independence. My fear is that, in her mind, I'm inextricably linked to her ex-boyfriend and that being with me will only create negative associations.

Being 99.9% compatible and wanting so much to be together doesn't change the fact that we were in a classic rebound relationship. Ending things feels terrible, but we both know it's the right thing to do.

Having laid out the latest episode, I present several questions for your consideration:

1. Despite the fact that we want to be together, we're proactively denying contact with each other. This is either the smartest or dumbest decision I've ever made. Which one is it?
2. Amy said that we must have zero expectations for the future. The only way she can stop feeling dependent on me is if she knows that I'm looking to meet someone else, and not "waiting" for her. Is she right? If so, is hoping that we end up together inconsistent with assuming that we've broken up for good?
3. Let's say things don't work out with her in the long run: how can I settle for anything less now that I've had a taste of the real thing? It's possible that lightning can strike twice, but I'm not holding my breath.
4. When the day comes where Amy is finally finds emotional independence: how do I ensure that we are starting from scratch (well, as much as two people with a history can), and avoid being linked to her past relationship? I know this is projecting way into the future, but one can never be too prepared.

BG, I know our decision was the healthiest choice -- but it hardly feels that way.

-- Silent Bob (Secretly Waiting For Amy, But Knows He's Not Supposed To)

Dear Silent Bob,

Chasing Amy, Judging Amy...when can we just move already to Dating Amy, huh? You've acted bravely and admirably thus far, I must say, so let's see:

1. Smartest or dumbest? Doesn't matter. You're doing what Amy needs, or thinks she needs, which at this juncture are the same.

2. Ditto. "Right" is beside the point; she's just articulating some construct in her mind that will serve as WD-40 for this weird transitional time. And, given that relationships -- especially their [temporary] end -- are nothing if not Mixed Feelings Depot, hoping you'll wind up together is completely consistent with assuming you've broken up for good. Actually, it's the construct in your mind that will help de-creak your hinges.

3. There is such a thing as the "Real" Thing. But arguably, what you've had -- so far -- with Backing-Off Amy was only a glimpse or taste thereof. You had/have that Real Thing Feeling with Amy, but with at least one real foot part way out all along. While (also see #4) no love starts entirely, like, from scratch, with no complications or associations from "before," she really wasn't quite all there with yo -- not yet, anyway. Whether with this Amy or Forthcoming "Amy," there's no reason to doubt that you can still have the Real Thing thing. And keep in mind that there's also such a thing as Real Things, plural. Right now, you can't help but pre-project and compare, of course; Amy, right now, is the only "template" you've got. Still: lightning may or may not strike twice in the same place, but who's to say the next one won't be a volcano, an earthquake, a water main break? Same force, different feel.

4. You don't. You can't. Remember, our partners come packed in the Styrofoam peanuts of their pasts. Some of which stick. Now, if you're someone like, say, Cornelius, you may see Styrofoam at its most suffocating and non-degradable. That, or those packing peanuts could cushion blows, gird against hurt, remind of -- and protect against -- "what went wrong" last time.

So right. Yeah. Healthy isn't always yummy. (Witness the brussels sprout.) Of course this feels way crappy. So (much as I told this young lady, who was waiting -- or not -- for Healing Crush) let Amy know that the door's open a crack, but you're not standing right there peeking out. Because there's Awaiting Amy, like, on her doorstep (no), and there's Awaiting Amy, like, while you at least go through the motions of Chasing Whomever (yes). You'll distract -- if not surprise -- yourself. Either by Finding Someone, or by finding RealThing Amy, healed on her terms (or ideally, BG's), on your doorstep.

Love,
Breakup Girl

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