< PREVIOUS LETTER   ||   NEXT LETTER >
 

Dear Breakup Girl,

Hi again -- it's Silent Bob (from the Monday night Oxygen chat), remember me?

Quick synopsis for everyone: Silent Bob meets girl (we'll call her "Chasing Amy") two months ago and is smitten, but Amy has two-year LDR with boyfriend and seems happy with him. In the meantime, Amy and Silent Bob hang out and chat fairly often. Amy is the one who initiates most activities, not Silent Bob. They have tons of stuff in common, seem to share the same values/goals, and have highly compatible personalities. Naturally, Silent Bob is very wary about becoming close friends with Amy, since it would inevitably lead to him falling for her and ending up heartbroken.

BG, I followed your advice and have been her friend (but not her Harmless Confidant Buddy) in the past month; mixing in appropriate amounts of flirtation. Here's the problem: despite my attempts to avoid becoming too close to Amy, I fell in love with her.

At this point, I must tell Amy something (not to do her a favor, but to get things off my chest). My inclination is to avoid using the L-word and merely express interest, because anything more may scare her away. But at the same time, does only saying that I am romantically interested make me dishonest? Am I treading into The Guy at the End of the Bar territory? Amy passes the Porch Test with flying colors, and then some.

My guess is that she will respond in one of three ways: 1) say she is not interested, 2) say she has some interest but is unwilling to end her current relationship, 3) say she is very interested and will leave her boyfriend for me. My impression is that number two is the most likely possibility. That said, what can I do if this happens? Is it a good idea to remain friends with this potential permeating the air?

Finally, a hypothetical situation -- let's say you were like Amy and had a good LDR, and met a guy that you LIKEliked but weren't sure if you would be willing to dump your boyfriend for. How would you approach things generally with this new guy? Are there particular cues that you'd give to express potential interest without going too far so as to become unfaithful?

This is the first time I've ever fallen in love with someone. Why is it that everyone talks about how wonderful it is to be in love, when all I feel inside is anguish and pain? Please help me.

-- Silent Bob, Stuck on Planet Pining

Dear Silent Bob,

Of course I remember you -- and her!

And yes, Bob. If she's aced the Porch Test, then you've got the nod from the Guy at the End of the Bar. Never mind -- though I know you asked -- how I'd act around you if I were Amy. TGATEOTB and I would likely concur here in saying (and heck, you said this yourself) that this is about you. Trying to interpret her "cues" will only make your head spin. At the end of the day/date, who knows, really, what cues "mean" what? (Especially because they can't be trusted to "mean" the same thing at the end of the...next morning.) Only if she put her hands on your shoulders and said, "Silent Bob, I LIKElike you but I'm not sure if I'm willing to dump Faraway Steve for you, so here's how I show potential interest without going so far as to be unfaithful. Oh wait, does that count?" would you know for sure how she felt. (And maybe not even then.)

So you are the one here with something definitive to say. Your specific questions: Does saying you are only "interested" make you dishonest? No, only diplomatic. I mean, you definitely want to express more than, say, curiosity or idle poaching -- that is, enough interest to make your potential bomb-droppage "worth it" -- but I would suggest that in the interest of friendship-preservation that the strongest "L-word" you should use is "LIKElike."

Now, TGATEOTB might differ -- "If you're in LOVE, then say it! Love! LOVE! 'Friendship,' schmendship. Trust me kid, you don't want to turn out like me, weighing down this barstool with all those heavy words I never said." -- and heck, if he put it that way, I'd find it hard to argue. But here's the distinction I'm trying to make -- and it's basically a lexical one, so try not to bristle. One could say that "love" is what you are "in" when someone's in it with you. You, Silent Bob, are...near love. You are with it. I'd say you even have some right there next to you, waiting for you to pick it up and offer it generously and humbly to Amy.

That is why it hurts: precisely because you are NOT "in" it. You see and feel and taste love right freaking there and yet you cannot climb IN until Amy says yes.

Which she may. She's doing the [legal] initiating; she may assume that since you haven't moved to ramp things up (and I do think you've played it "right") that friendship is what you're after. Yet another reason for you to pipe up. But what if she says no? Or yes...but no? Well: proverbial ball, proverbial her court. There's no Right Thing about remaining friends in meantime. If you need some time to nurse some wounds, fine. Or if it's just "too weird" to hang out like normal for now, that's fine too. But it's possible -- at least eventually -- that having this load off your chest might free you up from having to calculate every move (or non-move) in the friendship. It's also possible that options #1 and #2 could, after some percolation on her part, lead to option #3. It's not necessarily the kind of thing she'd decide right there on the spot.

So! Silent no more, Bob. Summon your courage; let us know what happens! And no matter what, ooh, ooh, I just can't wait 'til you find out -- and you will, I promise -- what love's like on the inside.

Love,
Breakup Girl

NEXT LETTER:
When is casual sex too casual?