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Dear Breakup Girl,

I'm in a really nasty situation here. Eleven months ago I met the most incredible man ever (we'll call him Jack), developed an immediate crush on him, and spent the last several months gradually falling in love with him. When I'd known him for four months, I made the giant mistake of introducing him to my best friend (we'll call her Ann). Ann and I have been best friends for the last six years and I love her to death, but she has one big problem -- she is a sucker for an emotional high. She can't resist a relationship, and is constantly throwing herself in and out of them.

So Ann and Jack met, spent a little time together, and within two weeks they were officially a couple. I was depressed as hell, but put on a brave face because I didn't want either of them to know how I really felt about Jack. Things in their relationship progressed, and progressed, until they started talking about getting married. I resigned myself to getting over him, and made an effort to be happy for them. But Ann, being the girl she is, decided to trot off across the country to go to school for two years which was a devastating blow to Jack. They decided to try carrying on a long-distance relationship, but within three weeks Ann called Jack and told him it was too hard. Then a few weeks later, Ann informed him that she's already dating some "incredible guy." Of course, the thought that Jack was now single crossed my mind. But, I didn't want to tease myself so I didn't dwell on it; I just tried to be there for him when I could. He was deeply in love with Ann and he's in a lot of pain right now.

Now comes the really sticky part of the situation: my sister recently gave me two symphony tickets. I called Jack and asked him if he wanted to go; both of us knowing that we were just going as friends. He accepted and took me out to dinner after the symphony. After dinner, we talked for hours and took a walk to a little park on the outskirts of downtown. I sat on a bench and Jack sat down behind me -- very close behind me. We were having what I thought was a normal conversation when out of the blue he said, "What would you do if I kissed you?" I said I didn't know, but that I didn't think it'd be a good idea considering I had gum in my mouth. He gently put one arm around my waist and the other around my shoulders and pulled me back against his chest and kissed my neck just below my ear very softly, then looked at me as if to see how I reacted. Against my better judgment, I took my gum out of my mouth and we spent the next hour on the park bench oblivious to our surroundings.

We were both attracted to each other when we first met, but something sparked with Ann and Jack and I was pushed to the side. I think kissing him was a really dumb move because nothing can happen right now; he needs time to heal. He knows how I feel about him, and I think he's not sure how he feels about me. I'd have dismissed the evening as a rebound fluke if he hadn't told me that had it not been for Ann he would have become seriously interested in me. He called me today and said that he really loved me and didn't want me to get hurt because of him, but that he can't be in a relationship right now. I told him I knew that, but at the same time, neither one of us took back anything that was said or done that night.

So, to make a long story short, the guy I'm madly in love with is finally single and moderately interested in me, but is still in need of some serious recuperation. I'm afraid that doing anything prematurely will ruin things forever. We both know we're not just friends, but since we can't be a couple, what are we? How should I proceed from here?

-- Best Friend of His Ex

Dear Best Friend of His Ex,

No, no, taking the gum out of your mouth was GOOD judgment.

As for the kissing part, do you think anyone in your position on that bench have done anything but kiss then, write to BG later? Give yourself/loins a break.

So what to do / who to be now? You're both right; you can't push it, especially since he said so. He, as a suddenly single, is doing two things: (1) wanting and missing only Ann, and (2) consoling / defending / protecting himself by thinking of everyone else he could have instead. He's got to have a chance to move away from (1) and make (2) become more a matter of LIKElike than self-defense.

But doing the platonic act in the meantime may also send you -- and thus you, plural -- over the edge. So maybe there's a way to recuse yourself for a little while. Maybe you could suggest that you limit contact during this "you have no idea" lacuna. Give it, say, a month or two to start. It doesn't mean you're not his friend; au contraire. You just want to let him heal without gumming up the works.

Still, you don't want to wait in vain, so he should please let you know if there comes a time when the "right now" in "I don't want to be in a relationship right now" switches over to "...with you." He might need recuperation, but you'll also need information. That's fair.

Meanwhile, this'll give you time to chew on what to say to Ann.

Love,
Breakup Girl

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