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November 20, 2000   CONTINUED e-mail e-mail to a friend in need

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"Movies end, but relationships -- the ones that work -- go on. Right?" continued.

Dear Johnny,

Dude, I hope you're making those six figures as a writer. Can't speak for your poetry (though in principle, almost any boy who writes a poetry book for his girlfriend should receive some sort of stipend), but this is truly brilliant (and well-edited) dialogue. I'm just sorry your drama is, um, "reality-based."

So here are my observations on your script. First, "what's her motivation?"

  • She bailed on Parent Eve because her big sister Conscience showed up first. She couldn't "go through with it" with a nearing-breakup hanging over her head.
  • You're right, you don't "feel a spark" all the time. But in cases like hers you never know which comes (goes?) first, the chicken or the spark. Do you start to go because you fear you don't feel the spark, or does the spark start to go because you fear YOU need to?
  • By letting you know that she still misses you and all that, she is trying to make (1) you feel better and (2) herself look better (i.e. not like a heartless bad girl). Needless to say, neither strategy is successful or respectful. But she does not realize that you cannot necessarily have your ex and call him too. She just doesn't get it. Which leads me to say:

Much as I'm sure she loves/d you and as little as I question your overall judgment about her, it's fairly clear to me from this (admittedly/necessarily one-sided) report that she is Not Ready to Settle Down. As you said, she is still casting about. She is (and I mean this as kindly as possible) naive and immature. And self-involved to the point where she doesn't get why all this would upset you (!?). The fact of the breakup and her way of handling it just shows me not that she is a bad person, but rather that she has not yet "found" her bad self to the point where she's ready to share it with a semi-permanent other. She is not necessarily searching/waiting in vain for Love Maguire; there's not enough yet of her to be "completed" by someone else. (This is chilly comfort, I know, but at least she didn't try and do her horizon-exploring on your watch -- flit around, leave you hanging, and wonder why THAT upset you.)

And here's why your character is going to turn out just fine at the end -- and/or the next beginning.

  • You did not become a sad cliche on her doorstep.
  • Right on: if you don't want to be her "friend," you do not have to be her "friend." If you need to go cold turkey, you need to go cold turkey. You should not "take what you can get from her when it's not what [you] want or deserve."
  • You called her a "crazy bitch." I am, of course, the last superhero who'll ever endorse free-rage ex-bashing, casual use of the B-word, etc. But in your case, I believe you've found a pungent -- and ultimately healthy -- way of saying the thing that rings wan and hollow when well-meaning others say it, to wit: "Her loss." (It also reminds me of what my dear friend's sisters say to one another when their mom is being difficult: "Mom's crazy." THEY DO NOT MEAN THAT MOM IS CRAZY. They just mean to say, "Yeah, that's mom," and thus to fill in with Perspective caulk the crusty gaps between "rational explanations" for her behavior.) It also means that you are not asking, "WHAT'S WRONG WITH ME?" Breakups and relationships certainly call for useful introspection, but hey, they hurt enough on their own; you don't need you beating you up! Better to be -- as you are -- asking questions such as: "What the...!?" and, oh, "What is the nature of love?"

Oh, yeah, about that. Yep, relationships that work go on (ideally). This one didn't (...if I may be blunt, in the sense that if it's not working for one of you -- for whatever crazy reason -- it's not working for both of you). Relationships that work also include BOTH "all the waterfalls" AND dumbass problems. (You will also notice that relationships IN MOVIES also include both. Otherwise, there's no story.)

And so, Johnny, though it feels bad, I actually think you're having a pretty good goodbye; as these things go, couldn't have scripted it better myself. And that it won't be as long as you think before you'll have someone new at "hello."

Love,
Breakup Girl

NEXT LETTER:
"He didn't even give me a card!"

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