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Dear Breakup Girl,

Is it supposed to be waterfalls, moss, fireworks, the wonder of it all and the quickened heartbeat?

For the last two years, I focused on finding someone that I could be in a relationship with long term. Someone to come home to, cuddle with, share with, and be a part of. Of course, she would have to provide the other half of my brain, finish my sentences, and enjoy all of my friends as if they were her own. Much of this has been accomplished with "Leah," but where are the fireworks?

My sick, little close-knit circle of friends have been caught uttering, "Wow, she's one of us!" after she's contributed to a joke or done something else unlikely that made her fit in oh-so well. She is wonderful to come home to; her eyes can tell me so much. Sometimes we play a little game, and I can guess what abstract thing it is she is thinking about. But for all of those strengths and wonders, I still feel as if there is something missing. I know it is cliché; I guess those clichés come from somewhere...

I know I've been poisoned by the media in other ways, but could my expectations of "love" be stolen from the silver screen? Sometimes we bicker, but we've never had a nasty fight. Maybe she's too young for me (19 to my 23) or maybe I just don't understand women, but sometimes she acts so illogically. The conclusions that she makes in her head confuse me; the person I think I know so well is eager to have a petty-drawn out argument over a bad joke. I don't think she's "right," even though she is the most right of anyone I've met. Am I standing on a milk crate reaching for the stars? We have been together almost three months. I know that she will just die if I break it off without a good reason, but she will bounce back. I, myself, will probably sink into a depression once the deed is done but will eventually be back out there, looking for the right one--maybe this time the perfect one. I already miss her, even though she has no idea that I am not completely happy. My closest confidant says, "You are looking for a reason to break up with her; you always do that."

It's not that it's bottled up inside me: I have made an effort to discuss the things that she does that I don't like and have compelled her to show me the same courtesy. But I can't tell her about the things she can't change because I'm not sure what they are. I realize I haven't really asked a question, but if I were to ask a question it would be: why is it like this? Or where do I find her? Or how do I live with myself after I hurt this wonderful girl?

--Too Picky

Dear Too Picky,

There's looking for a reason, and there's looking for a reason. Meaning: you might be scrounging for one that's not there, or you might be trying to name one that is. In other words: losing the game with yourself where you try to guess what abstract thing -- as in some missing thing -- you're thinking about.

I'm really not sure which thing you're doing, but I will tell you (as I told Dave) that if you break up with her on a gut-trusty sense that it's the latter,, you should feel Breakup Bad, but not I'm a Bad Person Bad. I mean sure, of course we search for silver screen sunsets, but I'm not necessarily convinced that your gold stars are hung impossibly of reach. Sure there should be fireworks above and moss below. Sure. But also remember that couples who have all the waterfalls also have dumbass fights. So be advised that if you do renew your "search" -- with her or out there -- there's not one perfect The One out there whom you either find or you don't. The One is the one about whom you say, falls, faults, and all, "This one."

Love,
Breakup Girl

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