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SHOUTOUTS

For Elizabeth from JadeSpark:

Just go ahead and tell them that you're a secretary or administrative assistant (as I tell people). Our profession is just as demanding and highly skilled as any lawyer, doctor, etc. Hell, these professional men should know that. You can then elaborate on your educational plans, or about the company you work for. But don't ever be ashamed or embarrassed. You are no less of a professional woman. And if the man thinks less of your profession, you're better off without him.

And from Litcrittter:

Man, do I hear your complaint. I've got a master's in English and am quite literally interested in everything, but I spend my days as an Internet database geek. Sure, it's interesting enough as jobs go, but has nothing whatsoever to do with who I am as a person. So when people say, "What do you do?" and I say, "database," I get stuck spending the evening talking about the last thing in the world I want to talk about (while they think they're being polite by asking me about myself).

So now I tell people I'm a philosopher. If they really want to talk about what I do for a living, they clarify the question, but usually we just have interesting conversations. There's a flip-side, though. Since I hate that question so much myself, I've had to find alternatives. My personal favorite right now is, "What's your passion in life?" which has led to some really interesting conversations. Or, if the person I've just met is at least in their thirties or forties, I'll ask them what they want to be when they grow up.

For Melissa from Quinn:

Honey, I know exactly how you feel. I had a crush on the same guy (Brandon) from the 3rd grade until almost high school graduation. I asked him out a few times and was turned down every time. I even watched him date other girls in our class and I was so jealous.

I'm not going to tell you that this guys isn't important and that you'll forget about him. Come on, this is someone you've cared about for years. I still remember Brandon's football jersey number (23) from our 6th grade year -- and I'm 26-years-old now! -- so, yes, this is one guy you will remember.

I never dated Brandon, but he did establish the high standards I expected of any guy who asked me out. After graduation, we went to different colleges and I met a whole new group of friends. Since then I have dated enough to know I didn't know a whole lot before (and I'm still learning). Right now, I'm with a guy who is wonderful. He has the qualities I learned to admire when Brandon was my heart's desire, but he has many more great qualities I never thought about until I dated a few more people.

Melissa, I know it's hard to not think about him, so maybe try this: think about what it is about this guy that makes him so special. And not just those pretty eyes and great smile...is it that he's great to talk to? That he loves helping others? That he's incredibly smart? If you can figure out what these qualities are, maybe you can start seeing them in others. And take BG's advice: get out there, have fun with your friends, and you might even meet more people. Believe me, there is someone wonderful out there who's wanting to be loop-de-loops, head-over heels for you.

For BG from Litcritter:

On the one hand, if I had actually made a list when I was 16 of what my ideal woman would be like, I probably would have written a list that pretty nearly described the woman I met and married in my twenties. On the other hand, when I first fell in love with her, I thought we were very, very similar, and now, the longer we're together, the more I realize that we're completely different people. And those differences are what make it all work.

I call it the Black Olive Theory (actually, I may be stealing this from Paul Reiser). If I hate black olives, my natural inclination is to seek someone who hates them as much as I do, so that we can sit and talk about how much we hate black olives. But, if I seek someone out who loves black olives, then there'll always be someone to eat them off my plate when we have Mexican.

BG Responds: I never thought of that! If I'd deign to date someone who didn't like anchovies, I'd get more (anchovies, and dates)! Brilliant!

For BG from Former Impatient Wuss:

Thanks so much for your ever-smart reply. Update: I found myself in Limbo #1 and ready and able to leave Indecisive Guy. It got to a point where it was too hard to continue. However much I enjoyed and loved him and still think we could have a great life together; I would bubble with anger, resentment, bitterness, and rejection every time I saw any display of commitment by others (women wearing engagement rings, *NSYNC songs, Monica and Chandler) when I was in his presence. (Why won't he marry me? How come they were comfortable with the concept of a lifetime together?!)

I explained at length every little thought I was having about the situation (which helped with closure issues). He knows exactly where I stand, how I feel about him, what I want, and why I couldn't see him anymore.

He's said that he doesn't know if he can see himself married. (It's not me, he says, it's him. self-plug: I'm "an incredible person" and he "wouldn't change a thing.") He's said that he's "going to have to get used to the idea of being alone for the rest of his life." I asked him, "Is that what will make you happy?" He said, "No." I said, "Then you don't have to accept it, goofy." Clearly, he needs to figure out what he wants and what he's willing to do to get it.

I've shown him how good he could have it, but I felt like my presence was distracting him from answering The Big Question, and things would continue as-is indefinitely. My only real chance of ever having a secure and official life with him is to let him figure things out on his own. And if I meet a wonderful Decisive Guy when he's off thinking, well...

I must say, it's sad in light of how precious mutual affection and great relationships are. And ours really was great and precious. I miss him, but I do feel empowered. I feel like I have more control over my future now -- instead of being at his indecisive mercy. So, I'm still freaking trying (great commentary, by the way. Amen!) to find love, marriage, and family by putting myself out there. Thanks for being your superhero self. You, too, are precious.

BG Responds: You go, Decisive Girl!