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Dear Breakup Girl,

However religiously I read your column, I still can't muster up a firm stance on what to do in my situation. I suspect, given your answer to Not a Goober, that I have to figure out how (and how long) I can live with my guy this way, and how long I can live with myself this way.

Indecisive Guy and I are both 30 and have been dating exclusively for almost a year. We've come a long way, baby, and everything's great. Except, I'm at the point that I need to know that eventually he'll be filling the void on my left ring finger. Indecisive Guy can't say for certain that there are jewelry stores in his future.

The question is, do I take that as a "not now" or a "not ever?" Would ending the relationship be an impatient move? Or would continuing the relationship be an idiot (goober) move?

He says that he's extremely happy with our current relationship and could see going on like this "for quite some time." He doesn't want to be with anyone but me. That's his selling point for continuing as is.

The thing is, our current arrangement satisfies his every need. He has all the convenience and security of a wife; we spend every night together, and are rather domestic in our weekly activities (lots of chore-doing and hanging out instead of the dating wine-and-dine wooing). And really, on a day-to-day basis, all of my wifely needs are satisfied too. But I can't shake my discomfort with the idea that I may never really be his wife.

He says he's not able -- or willing? -- to give me a definite explanation for his aversion to taking things to the next level. (To his credit, he's had a lot of issues with self-esteem and depression and has the most active and introspective and complex mind I've ever come to know.)

Sometimes he says that he doesn't know if he wants marriage and a family (although he is consistently touched by the concept of being a father someday, and he thoroughly enjoys the partnered life we're living right now). I ask him what he's afraid of, and he says he's afraid that I'm going to stop loving him. Gee, maybe he should ask me to promise, in front of God and man, to love him forever, right? I dunno, in some sort of ceremony with rings and tuxes and a white dress or something?!?

I'm smart enough in the head (though, unfortunately, my heart usually does the driving) to know that I deserve, and can find someone who loves me enough to want to officially promise to be with me forever. And his aversion to doing this makes me suspect that he doesn't love me enough or doesn't regard me enough. (He denies this.) But then my heart pipes in and says, "Tiler, my dear. Tiler." My two opposing fears: That I'm wasting my time. That I'm too quickly discarding a good thing that will, in due time, bring forth a ring. This limbo is wearing on me. Please offer insight and advice.

-- Impatient Wuss

Dear Impatient Wuss,

Well, there's limbo, and there's limbo.

Limbo #1 is a hellish, confining purgatory with no promise of change or escape.

Limbo #2 is a festive, though possibly annoying, dance.

Where are you? Well, it is completely fine that you're starting to ask questions about The Question, but at this point it doesn't sound like your relationship is stuck in some sort of infernal rut. Au contraire, in fact: hey, you're communicating, being honest, asking questions, making it pretty clear -- without cornering -- where you'd like things to go. Maybe you're used to this positive dynamic yourself 'cause you're in it, but let me observe from the outside that these are all rare and yummy ingredients of a promising, lasting relationship. So: he knows what you want. And my sense is: he's not quite ready. So right now, yes, I do think an exit, or even an ultimatum, would be hasty.

Surely you can't bend over backwards to be patient forever; there's only so long anyone can hear the song "Hot, Hot, Hot!" without going nuts. But my spine-strenghtening point to you is that you are actually on a way more positive and active path than you realize. So do try to wiggle your way at least into your second year. Then if you feel like you're doing Mambo #5 into Limbo #1, let me know.

Love,
Breakup Girl

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