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SHOUTOUTS

To BG from A.:

I've been in emotional turmoil for the last two months as I've become great friends with this guy and have completely fallen for him. I'd been searching and searching for any signs that he was interested in me as more than "just friends." Okay, so I've also looked the other way when signs to the contrary have come up.

I'm planning on taking a trip for another friend's 30th birthday and he asked if he could come along. Initially I said, "Sure! Aisle or window?!" Then, I realized this is the opportunity I was waiting for and told him, "I just don't think I can go with you. I like you as more than a friend and sense that you can't return those feelings."

Alas, I was correct. Now I'm trying to take a little time and not see him or think about him (Right. As if!). Luckily I had gone over this Worst Case Scenario (okay, it could have been much worse) with my therapist, so I'm not blaming myself or letting it affect my self-esteem. I am, however, sad, heartbroken, lonely and way bummed out!!! I'm trying to go do new things that won't remind me of him and focus on building some new friendships while I take the time to heal.

If my story makes for good advice, please use it. There've gotta be scads of people out there who have developed crushes on friends with whom they still want to be friends. It's really hard because I can't just delete him from the cell phone autodial and be off on my merry way.

Upshot: Your advice columns really, really help. Just a little reminder and another vote of confidence that you're doing a really, really good thing. Thanks

BG responds: Ow! But -- bravissimo -- you totally did/said the right thing. Now hear what the Affirmatron has to say!

To Thumb-Twiddling Object of Affection from Jules:

A word of warning. I felt a strange sense of deja vu when reading your letter. It is so similar to my situation, I am worried I am actually sleeping with your boyfriend. The man I am sleeping with has a long distance girlfriend from college. He admitted to me that he told her he was "dating other people" when in fact he was only dating "me" singular. After this came to light, I refused to commit as I have no interest in getting a boyfriend that already has a girlfriend, so we now have a mostly casual sexual relationship. I am fine with this -- I went in with both eyes wide open and I am still free to date whoever I want. He is torn up about it -- he professes to be in love with both of us, but cannot break things off with his girlfriend for good. (Whether or not someone can be in love with two people at once is another question that I cannot answer.)

What am I warning you about? Well, I know he tells his long distance girlfriend things like the "dating other people" story but would never mention that he actually is dating or sleeping with a real live woman. I know he does not tell her these things because he fears that she will stop waiting for him to make up his mind. He has admitted to me he edits me out when he talks to her on the phone so as to "spare her feelings."

Maybe I'm just old and cynical (I've got a few years on you both) but having been in an LDR in the past, and because of the situation I'm in now; I know staying faithful over long distance when you actually have a commitment is hard enough. Staying faithful without a level of commitment is nearly impossible.

Maybe you two should be together (as I think my boy should be with his girl) but that does not exclude the possibility that he has been doing things in the safety of 3000 miles away that would change your mind about that. So when you sit down to have the conversation about "where this relationship is going," you might want to find out "where it has been." It is not the sort of thing he probably is rushing to bring up, but something I would want to know. I would not put up with that kind of behavior in a boyfriend, which is precisely why I have never tried to make him my boyfriend.

BG responds: Fair enough! (But then don't you want to have that "where this relationship is going" -- or not -- with your guy?)

To Jo from David:

You might be overreacting -- the explanation could be much simpler than you think. I'm not going to tell you what my PIN and passwords are (duh!), but I will tell you that the mnemonic basis for them ceased to be relevant to me in the real world about about 15 or 20 years ago. The problem is, of course, that already established the habit of using the same PIN, and variations on similar passwords, for practically everything. If I tried to change the pattern now, I would be unable to remember what I used for what, I would be locked out and logged off of everything I need, and disaster and despair would ensue.

So, Jo, perhaps this is the simplest explanation -- your hubby may have fallen into the habit of using the same or similar passwords for everything years ago. Heck, he might even remember his password more clearly than he remembers his past girlfriend.

To BG from Mad in Montreal:

Hi. It's me Mad in Montreal. I wrote to you earlier about my friend Fanny's boyfriend Valentino hitting on me and everyone thinking it was a joke. Well, since then, things have only gotten worse. Fanny and Valentino are getting married! Actually, that wouldn't be so bad if their behavior hadn't gone from odd to downright rude in the last few months. There really isn't that much of a question to this, it's really just an update; and a cautionary tale.

You advised me to stay out of the way for a while...turned out it was easier than it sounded. Fanny started avoiding me.

After I wrote to you about the party where Valentino was hitting on me and Fanny almost condoned it, Fanny started avoiding me completely. I was going through a hard time and when I mentioned that I needed support. Rather than take me for chocolate cake and coffee as she normally did, she gave me her shrink's number! That was the beginning of the end. A lot of things happened this summer which were of great importance to everyone: a friend of ours got married and a lot of people, including myself, are leaving because of our jobs and/or family situations. Because of this, Fanny had to be phoned on occasion. The phone calls and e-mails were never returned.

I'm upset since I will be leaving soon and she is the only person who has not insisted on going out before I leave. The last time I went out with her was for my birthday. When she asked me what I wanted to do and on which day I wanted to do it, then ignored my wishes completely and did what she wanted to do, on the day she wanted to do it. That was when I discovered that Valentino was no longer talking to me. He didn't say a single word: not "hello," not "goodbye," and certainly not "happy birthday."

Part of me hates her, but part of me feels that she is being taken advantage of by this guy and I didn't do enough to "save" her. Now I have to go to her wedding and I don't think I can even pretend to look happy. She hasn't made me her maid of honor, which is rather upsetting since that was the plan, but then again a maid of honor who is against the wedding is not what one wants. Plus, none of this wedding is as planned; it's taking place at City Hall and there won't be a party. It was all done in haste because the still unemployed Valentino will be kicked out of the country soon.

Well, I guess there is no question since the answer is obvious: the friendship is over.

BG responds: You've done everything you can. Truly. And yeah, at least you're not a bridesmaid.