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Dear Breakup Girl,

I'd like to initiate a breakup...with five of my friends. I've known them for two years and the last five months have been a series of disappointing episodes. First and foremost, they are the types of friends who make single people (like myself) feel, well, more "single." I am the recipient of such comments as: "Women who bear children over 30 are more likely to have children with birth defects." Or "Scouting the meat market, eh?" every time I try to network at business functions and pass out my business cards in an attempt to jump-start a freelance career. Or, my personal favorite, having all five friends become numerically challenged once the bill arrives and we always wind up $10-$20 short. Has anyone out there paid $16 for one shrimp cocktail and three french fries? This so reminds me of that "Friends" episode when Rachel, Joey, and Phoebe discuss the inconsiderateness of the others who insist on going all-out fine dining despite the fact that not everyone making the same amount of moola.

I guess what I'm really asking here, BG, is are these reasons substantial enough for me to cut these people off? This past weekend, all five of them ditched me and two other girls when we were supposed to meet up and exchange birthday presents. We were basically left with a cryptic voice-mail message saying they left the place where we were going to convene and told us to call them since they were heading "somewhere else." I thought this move was totally selfish since I made considerable efforts to meet them, having been double-booked that evening, only to find out that they didn't bother waiting for us and assuming we would just "find" them.

I keep revisiting this episode, and every time they've pissed me off the past few months, and I just get all riled and livid. Then, I calm down and ask myself why are these people in my life and if they serve some higher purpose (a la Celestine Prophecy) then why the heck haven't I figured it out yet, and how long do I have to keep them in my life before booting their cheap asses out?

At this point in time, I'm waiting for some kind of apology for their recent display of callousness. These people also suffer from a lack of communication (e.g. they ask my other friend, "What's wrong with her?" instead of asking me directly). As someone who's occupation is communications, I am all for calling a group meeting to discuss why I'm so PO'd, but I gotta ask again, BG, am I correct in doing so? Is this some manifestation of my own? Or is it simply because I'm tired of having my life dictated by people I really don't like spending time with anymore? I'm used to having friendships "phased out" over time -- I know these are natural occurrences and am fine with letting go since I like meeting new people and am always on the go. Still, am I the only one out there who wants to initiate a friendship breakup?

-- Angst

Dear Angst,

Are you the only one? No, I think at this point we all want to break up with your friends.

You're also not the only one who's paid in spades for far too few crustaceans, even with that side of fries.

NOR are you the only one who's heard comments like that about single 30-year-olds...from a tactless uncle. But I've never heard of such a thing from anyone who calls herself -- or whom anyone calls -- a "friend." ("Bratwurst" was bad enough.)

Also. Lots of folks have that wacky inappropriate friend, or that wacky flaky friend who says all the wrong things, if they even show up. But about those people, somehow you shrug and sigh and adore them all the same.

These do not sound like those people. There's no indication in your letter that you've got that kind of transcendent bond -- nor that you'd be marooned and disconsolate and totally friend-free without them.

All of which is to say: permission granted. With a side of "What are you waiting for?"

You don't have to schedule a formal farewell, or even a Discussion (would they even show?). But if you can't depend on them, well, don't. Just downgrade, or phase out. Show up if you feel like it (and if you say you are going to), don't if you don't. Definitely don't double-book on their behalf. The only higher purpose they're serving now is to keep you unnecessarily steamed, with a small side of self-righteousness. Start saving your energy/$16/real friendships now.

Love,
Breakup Girl

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