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Dear Breakup Girl,

Senior year of college, I bit the big one and asked my crush-victim-since-freshman-year out on a date. It resulted in a bonafied long-term relationship. We fell in love and have been in love ever since...but our relationship has gone the way of the dodo.

Last year, before he went 3,000 miles away to grad school, he proposed we stay together but have an open relationship and see other people. I told him I couldn't do it. I just couldn't bear the idea of him -- forgive me for being crass here -- saying he loves me but doing someone else. So we broke up.

Here is the 30 second recap of the events of the past year: we kept in touch as friends, stopped talking for a couple of months (I needed time), got back in contact as friends (I was done "needing time"), hooked up over his winter break from school, kept in contact as friends (again), stopped talking for a couple of months (again... I needed time again), got back in contact as friends (again I was done "needing time"... again), and hooked-up once again on a spontaneous trip out to see him.

The current state of affairs is this: we've both discussed how much we still love one another, but neither of us can decide what to do about... one another. We're 3000 miles apart, we're still young (he's 24, I'll be 23 shortly), he's working on a soon-to-be-successful writing career and I'm working on ... life. We've discussed the possibility of me moving to be with him, but both of us think this might be preemptively jumping back into a relationship, and neither of us wants to ruin our chances of long-term happiness.

One would think that since we agree on the situation (or at least agree that we have no idea what to do about it), things would be all right for the moment. Well, there's still that niggling little problem of him wanting to "see other people." Recently, I asked him point blank what he gets out of being with other women, and he said, "Not much." But he didn't say anything beyond that, i.e. that he would stop seeing other women, but I also haven't asked him to. I don't want to ask him because we aren't officially together right now. But I can't help but wonder he's "having his cake and eating it too," and I'm letting him.

It doesn't sit right with me that he loves m,e but wants to see other people. Actually, it just doesn't make sense to me. Why would someone want to see other people when they're already in love with one person? Is there anything I can do?

-- Thumb-Twiddling Object of Affection

Dear Thumb-Twiddling,

Well, you know what I say about the can of worms that is an "Open Relationship." And yeah, "seeing other people" is weird. Like, how much do you tell them? How much of them do you see? And, er, how much of them do you see? See how weird? Cross that with a long distance relationship, wherein defining your terms is not optional, and you get a whole lot of stuff that you have to talk about/don't want to hear about. Trouble.

And why would he want to "see other people" in the first place? My guess is, it's not that he wants to; it's that he wants to know he can. It's like bringing snacks on a road trip just so you know they're there, so you won't freak out when you get to the really blank parts of Nevada. Commitment is scary, and 3000 miles apart is lonely. So it's not necessarily that he's having his cake and eating it too (or that you're "letting him"), it's that he wants to at least know there are Twinkies in the pantry. Whether or not he grabs one is unrelated.

All of that said, some folks do pull off this LD/OR thing. But only if it's okay with both of them (or okay with the one who's not telling). If you can, after some thought, chalk that "niggling" up to "Duh, of course I hate that thought, but it's an okay holding pattern if I just don't think about it," that's one thing. But if you're not down with it, it's up to you to say so. Quick, because as long as you let this standoff/limbo/"no idea" peck away at you, your relationship is as threatened as the spotted owl. Why not DECIDEdecide what you two are doing? I know there's no One Clear Right Thing To Do. But why not (1) say, OK, let's have an official LDR and lay down all associated laws? Or, (2) request another official "needing time" Time -- hard as it might be, it could spare you some day-to-day questioning. Or, heck, (3) you could float the idea, for real, of joining him in Mauritius (if it's a place you could see yourself anyway, and if you don't move in with him). I know you say you don't want to fly too far, too fast, but nurturing the relationship in closer captivity could prevent it from dying out. If he hedges, well, there you go. But if you're "in love," you've got to do what you can (unless it's truly only gasping for breath) to preserve it. Or, at best, your peace of mind. Save the humans!

Love,
Breakup Girl

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