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Dear Breakup Girl,

My best friend's boyfriend keeps hitting on me and everyone thinks it's a joke! BG, this is really driving me nuts!

My best friend's old flame from parts exterior, let's call him Valentino, appeared in town on a visit a month ago and wasted no time moving into my best friend's (let's call her Fanny) place, proclaiming undying love and intentions of marriage. He also wasted no time making himself obnoxious and lecherous towards me. It started rather innocuously with a couple of threesome jokes over copious amounts of wine. I was sober (driving) and so thought, "Ah, he's tipsy, let him joke," and laughed along. Unfortunately, he kept making those jokes on subsequent occasions while sober. On one occasion, two weeks after appearing in town, he tried to stroke my leg while asking me when I'd be available for the threesome! Fanny jokingly told him to stop, but she obviously wasn't too upset.

So I let it pass for the sake of Fanny, who thinks Valentino is flawless. Plus, whenever I mentioned his weirdness to my friends, they just told me I was jealous that I didn't have a guy. I let it pass until we went to this party last week and Valentino decided that not only would he make threesome jokes (ugh!), but also would dance about an inch away from me. I didn't find this amusing, but everyone else did. I started pushing him away, but he wouldn't let up. Finally, I got mad and left.

The next day, I saw Fanny. She told me that Valentino was very upset with me because I kept pushing him away and telling him to leave me alone. Because she is sooo in love with Valentino and because everyone is going on that I'm jealous, instead of saying, "Your boyfriend disrespects you and is harassing me," I said, "You know I'm not touchy-feely, and I really can't take it when people don't respect that about me. If he would stop this, we could all be friends!" Fanny's reply (which scared me): "You know, Valentino is perfect, so he expects everyone else to be." At this point, I said to myself, "Whoa...weird," and to her, "He's not perfect." She just ran home to smooth his feathers.

The next day, she and another friend nicely explained to me that Valentino acts like a lecherous jerk to me because he likes getting a rise out of me; apparently, I'm really funny when I'm mad. Now, correct me if I'm wrong about this: (1) If he likes it when I'm mad, why is he upset when I finally get mad? (2) What gives him the right to make me uncomfortable and upset for his amusement? (3) What's with Fanny not telling him to lay off?

So I told someone outside my circle of friends. He said that two things might be happening. (1) Valentino is actually serious about the threesome and is now mad because I'm not buying in to it. And/or (2) He knows I'm getting mad and is hoping that I'll get pissed off enough to no longer hang around Fanny and tell her that he's basically just using her to get citizenship (through marriage) and meanwhile have free room and board.

I can't say anything to Fanny, because right now she's in this "He's perfect and I'm blissful and will soon be married to the man of my dreams" state, whereby anything I say will get misconstrued by either her or him as my being jealous and wanting to wreck their happiness. So, I have to figure out a way not to lose my best friend and meanwhile keep this jerk away from me (perhaps, at the same time, keeping the jerk away from her).

It's really getting horribly annoying, and I just want to know how to fix this whole situation. Am I insane? Is there a way to salvage anything? Should I just let her be for a while? Breakup Girl, help!

-- Mad in Montreal

Dear Mad in Montreal,

From the looks of this article, seems that you might have wanted to call this guy "Charlie." That, or, in another life, your friend "Fanny" was already doing his PR.

What to do? Well, first, I'll give you a couple things not to worry about.

1. "Everyone thinks it's a joke." Not that there's nothing wrong with that. But I'd rather not cite ever creepier/more unsettling examples of onlookers finding it more comfortable/easier to say "Ha, ha!" than "Cut that out!"

2. "Keeping 'the jerk' away from her." If she doesn't [seem to] care that he's hitting on her friend, then she's not ready to hear anything contrary to her movie idol image.

3. All that stuff about how it's funny when you're mad and the threesome and citizenship and blah blah blah. Of course you're looking for answers, but this guy has crossed the line between Fun/Faux Pas/Explanations/Misunderstandings and "What part of 'Get out of my space and go dance with your girlfriend, you skank!' don't you understand?"

Point is, I'd say this is between you and Rudy now. His Stolen Moments do not have to be your silent film. Who cares what he thinks? Jealousy, schmealousy; happiness, schmappiness. Don't defend yourself or argue those points. You asked him not to touch your leg, he touched your leg, you're asking him not to again. And you don't want to have to ask him AGAINagain. Period.

That, and/or avoid them -- or at least him/them together -- for a while. Important: this would not mean you're abandoning her or the friendship. It would mean you're trying to step back and let this Rogue's Romance blow over rather than up. It would send a message -- hopefully, one of many that Fanny will start to assemble and consider over the long term; again, now's not the time for you two to do the shoulder-shaking scene (click here for more). And it would give you the chance to cultivate "talkie" friendships with people who actually hear you.

Love,
Breakup Girl

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