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SHOUTOUTS

To Should Have Looked Before I Leapt and MaryK from La Torqumeada:

While I agree with MaryK that Should Have Looked Before I Leapt shouldn't string along his Internet girl if he can't take her looks, I think what he really needs to hear is that he should stop looking for love on the Internet if looks are so important to him. It's too easy to build a kind of intimacy over e-mail -- and too easy to hurt people over the superficialities of appearance. Ideally, though, SHLBIL would give the girl a chance if they really hit it off online -- I mean would you love your mom or your sister or your dog less if they were ugly? It's exactly the same with other people, no matter how much our culture tries to convince us it's not. People you love are beautiful because you love them; maybe SHLBIL is too young to be thinking of a serious relationship, but when that time comes, remember that in twenty years, a person whose personality, values, sense of humor, etc., you love will still have all those attributes, while even the most radiant beauty will likely have faded.

To BG from Looking for Sanity:

Thanks for your excellent advice. I was quite proud to be the Predicament of the Week! I am very much enjoying my hiatus, and I just wanted to let you know what happened: two days after I left the country, the boy and my friend broke up. Somehow, over e-mail, I told him I had a crush on him. He changed the subject pretty quick.

So, I guess I have my answer as to what would happen if they weren't together. I cried a bit, but then I pretended I was Loretta Lynn and wrote my first ever country western song about it. Thank god for that ... writing my version of the story makes it feel not so much like I'm being tossed haphazardly on the frothing seas of life and love. I'm sure you know what I mean. Anyway, BG honey, thanks for your help. I'm looking for sanity somewhere else now. At least I'm gonna try.

BG responds: Who-hoo! And good call on the country tune.


To Farrah from Another One of Those Asian Guys:

I completely disagree with you about dating being apolitical. Like it or not, race still matters. In a world where young love is as "carefree and fun" as you desire, Asian guys inevitably get left out -- as BG has said in the past, it isn't overt or premeditated, but it just happens. Most women just aren't brought up or socialized to see us as "sexual" beings as they do with men of other races. I want to be carefree and fun about love as you do. But given how the world works, I can't ignore political issues like race. It's too powerful and prevalent to overlook.

In the meantime, the perception of Asian men has to change. And no single group is responsible for bringing about this shift. Women, Asian or not, need to open up their minds more and ignore the "programming" BG described. Asian men need to stand up for themselves and not let the existing stereotypes dictate what they can and can't do. The media needs to stop portraying Asian guys as asexual weaklings and treat us like they would any other man. In other words, EVERYONE needs to play a role in eradicating these damaging stereotypes.

To Frustrated but Hopeful from Asian Culture Fanatic:

I just read the letter from FBH, the Asian man who is attracted to Caucasian women but has problems finding dates with them. I am a Caucasian woman who is attracted to Asian men, but I seem to have a lot of difficulty meeting them. Even when I do meet them, they are usually hesitant to ask me out, probably because they think I would say no. I just wanted to let you know that there are some Caucasian women out there who would love to date guys like yourself.

To BG -- and teens at large -- from Carrie:

I wanted to add some more advice to your recent column about premarital sex and teenagers. I want to give other teenagers my point of view on the subject and why and how I made the decision to have sex.

I am an 18-year-old girl. I've had many relationships, most of which were not really serious. I have a boyfriend right now, but my last boyfriend is about whom I want to talk. We were best friends before we started dating, and after about six months, we had "the talk." He told me that he was ready and that he wanted his first time to be with me. He was very open about it, but I told him I didn't know whether or not I was ready and that I would tell him when I had made my decision. The truth of the matter was I knew that I wasn't ready. I knew that if I had any doubts about it, then I wasn't ready. It just didn't feel right.

Fast forward to right now. I have a new boyfriend with whom I have been going out with for less than a month and yes, we have had sex. I know what you're thinking. Geez, this girl wouldn't have sex with a guy she was going out with for months, but she did it with some guy she just started dating? But that is only what lies on the surface. The truth is I was the one who initiated the sex. And anyone who knows me knows I'm not a very forward kind of girl. I loved him, and he loved me, and I knew with all my heart (sounds corny) that we were both ready. I can't explain why or how I knew; it was just a feeling.

What I'm trying to say to all you virgin teenagers who think you may be ready but are not sure, don't do it or I think you will regret it. When you are ready, you will know for sure.

To BG from The Heart is a Lonely Hunter:

I feel a bit like Troy McClure saying this, but you may remember me from such Breakup Girl letters as wanting to "share the driving duties on the road of life" with someone back in the summer of '98. By the way, you were spot on, BG, when you said that rocker wouldn't come through for me.

I pipe up again in response to Lonely But Not Pathetic (and Reenie) in the Shoutouts last week, because that was exactly where I sat two years ago when I wrote in. 33-years-old, delightful company to one and all, sassy and all that, but still partnerless and frustrated by it.

And now, things have changed. Yes, I use wrinkle cream nightly. Yes, my vision is starting to slide. But I'm here to testify that it's never too late to find someone. I decided I needed to get the hell away from these musician boys smoking dope in ugly paneled apartments and discussing the merits of, well, frankly, I can't even remember. So I quit my job and through a series of fortunate accidents, I was able to take a class at university for free. So I did, and that's where I met C.

C. is all I'd hoped for, and more. He's funny, smart as a whip, handsome, generous, soulful, responsible, and ALL THAT. Furthermore, he thinks I'm the bomb. And FURTHERMORE, I applied and was accepted into graduate school -- the same program as C, as luck would have it. C. is significantly younger than I (28), but is far more mature than the musical compadres of my age, so don't let numbers trip you up.

It's never too late to dismantle your life, take a chance, and end up in unexpected places. I feel as though I've tossed the cards of my life in the air and though I'm not entirely sure where they will all land, it's quite exhilarating being free this way (though people might imply that I'm a few cards short of a full deck). But I don't care, I'm having a riotous blast of a time. There is a wonderful man with whom to share the driving, and I have no idea what's up around the next bend.

I'm reminded of when I worked in a nursing home in high school, and two residents, well into their eighties, fell in love and merged their furniture and knickknack collections into one room. If you're alive, there's love to be sought, and perhaps even found.

BG responds: Honk if that's an attitude you can get behind!

 
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