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Dear Breakup Girl,

I'm in my late 20s, am reasonably attractive, and have a good job. Most people seem to find me pretty fun and likable.

I'm also Asian. While there's nothing wrong with that per se, it seems to make dating somewhat difficult. You see, most of the women I'm attracted to -- independent, assertive, confident -- tend to be Caucasian. Even in times when interracial relationships are becoming more and more common, relatively few seem to involve Asian guys. My luck with Asian women is not much better; the ones I like are usually dating non-Asian guys.

I'm definitely not suggesting that my failure to get more dates is due to racism or anything remotely close to it. I suspect that most people are open-minded and down with the concept of interracial dating. But when push comes to shove, few will actually do it. Why is this so? Sometimes I think that if I were Caucasian, there would be little to no problem in attracting women. I'm pretty sure I don't exude an "inferiority complex" about my race when asking women out, so I don't think that's the issue (even if this letter might suggest that I do).

BG, I know I've been spouting lots of generalizations. But I honestly feel they are pretty accurate (and recognize that there are definitely exceptions). Despite the progress in race relations this century, I'm also not naive enough to think that people will ever be completely colorblind, either.

Surely there are non-Asian women out there who are willing to date me, but realistically speaking ... how large of a barrier is being a Asian guy to my success at getting dates, based on your expert opinion and impression of what others think?

--Frustrated But Hopeful

Dear Frustrated But Hopeful,

You might feel alone, but you're not. Hey, at least you're not the only Asian guy in this apparent predicament. I ran this one by our own superb Mike -- After issuing all sorts of uncomfortable disclaimers about how I wasn't asking him to Speak For All Asian-American Men -- and yep, he knows exactly what you're talking about. I mean, I think I Speak For All Caucasian-American Women -- and Mike backed me up -- when I say that, for all sorts of subtle and not-so, sucky and more-so, reasons and influences, our Society does not condition us to go for you guys. One-in-a-million example: as far as Mike or anyone can remember, 1993 was the first year an Asian guy got to kiss The Girl. I'm not saying this [conditioning] is okay, duh. But I am also not saying -- nor, I know, are you -- that it's overt. Still, what it will take (in the Caucasian realm) is for you to meet someone who escaped this programming, or who has the wherewithal to take a minute to think and override. Barring those gals who fetishize the boy version of, say, this, it's safe to posit that you could wind up with a supadupa free thinker.

(Speaking of which, what's this about independent, assertive, and confident women tending to be Caucasian? You're not in trouble; I'm just pointing out that it would take the force of Jason Scott Lee to kick loose everyone's stereotypes and assumptions in this area.)

A couple more caveats:

About dating Asian women. I do suspect that for every one who might lean toward Caucasian guys, there's another who seeks out Asians. And still another who looks for LIKElike before (if ever) race. Yes, independent, assertive, confident ones. Don't give up.

Also, remember that white guys write me all the time about their dating droughts. Heck, even the alpha-malest. Which is to say that at least a small percentage of your complaints could be filed under "Dating is Difficult" rather than under "Because I Am Asian." You have a perfectly legit concern, FBH; still, a little perspective will act faster than society will change. Which also means -- and this is good news -- it's safe to say that you won't have to wait until Hollywood casts your leading lady.

Love,
Breakup Girl

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