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SHOUTOUTS

To All Would-be Prommies from Panda:

I saw the prom column, and had to tell my story of why I chose not to go to my senior prom. I didn't have a boyfriend my senior year when prom rolled around. A couple of my friends tried to set me up with this guy I thought was hot, but that didn't end up working out. My friends then told me that I should go with a friend. I thought about it for a while, and then decided that I didn't want to. I had been to prom sophomore and junior years with my then-boyfriends, and prom was a magical night of romance both times. The more I thought about it, the more I thought that if I couldn't go with someone whom I really liked, then I didn't want to go and pretend. I just didn't feel like it could live up to all the hype if I was there with someone I had no interest in. So I didn't go. And I was fine.

Now whether you agree with my reasoning or not (and yes, I think if prom is something you MUST do, then by all means GO! I just didn't need to), here is the good part. It has only been five years since my prom, not like 25. I have no idea what I did end up doing that night instead of going to the prom. And five years later, I just have to laugh at how hard all my friends were working to get me to go to the prom. So I guess the two points of my shoutout are: 1) Unless Prom is something you have to do before you die, don't give yourself a coronary about it and 2) I know this is a cliché, but it's true: five years from now, you won't really care what you did -- unless, of course, you had a bad time because you went with someone you didn't really want to go with -- just so you could GO to the prom. Trust me, by the time you experience the fun of dating in college, your prom will seem like a distant memory! Besides, prom is practically the last shebang of the year anyway, so whom are you looking to impress? Other seniors, who you'll only see for a couple more weeks anyway?? Hope this helps some of you realize that it really is OK not to go to the prom, and life does go on.

And from Lorin:

The same afternoon I thought that things were going well enough to ask my senior year boyfriend to the prom (it was April and not his prom), he announces to me that he got into a community theater musical. The show would, of course, include my prom night. Ouch.

Didn't want to end the relationship. Didn't want to skip the prom for actor boy. (I already had the dress, had found it a year in advance and fell in love with it. I still love it, too.) So, I asked every friend-boy I could find. All were either going with a girlfriend or boycotting. I even mustered up the gumption to ask the hot college guy at my weekend job; he would have gone, but the date was bad for him.

Time ticked on.

One week before P-day, my high school best friend calls me, freaking that, although she had "the perfect date," she still couldn't find a snazzy frock, despite combing the tri-state area. She offered to buy my dress; I offered to steal her date ... she dragged me to the mall to hold her hand while she put a third hole in her ear.

Through the pain, a revelation came to her: she thought of one last store and, oh yeah, also thought of whom to call for a prom date for me. A day later (and less than a week before the prom), I get a phone call from the guy on whom I had the biggest crush when I was a freshman and he was a senior. (We'd been friendly: school trips, same parties, etc.) The long-term-neighborhood-friend connection allowed my best friend to tell him my sad story. And he was free that night. And willing. Yay!

So, I wound up going to the prom with my freshman year crush, on a totally innocent just-friends date. We had a blast, and it was the best prom I could have imagined.

To BG re your advice to MLE from Dee:

You said, "She actually wants to go to prom with someone else's boyfriend? What's Her damage?" You see, I went to the prom with someone who was dating someone else. But, well, I think whether or not it is okay to depends on circumstance. I think it's okay if that person is your really good friend and if it isn't the same prom he would go to with his girlfriend. Because for me, prom was about having fun with my friends, not about being with "perfect date" (although he was the perfect date because he was my best guy friend, and we could goof off and act silly). In short, we had more fun then almost all my friends, most of whom went with "dates."

What was the circumstances behind me asking a taken guy? Well, he had jokingly offered a year before my prom, and I had jokingly accepted. This was pre-girlfriend. Of course, he knew I had a huge crush on this one guy, our friend. Well, I got up the guts to ask said crush, who turned me down in a harsh manner. (He didn't even have the guts to say no, can you believe it? Just kept me waiting ... and waiting ... 'til I finally confronted him.) So here I was, sad because my crush of three years not only rejected me, but also rejected me from an event that I wanted to go to (last chance to do this with friends before college and all). And prom was soon. When talking to friend, he offered again (while now with girlfriend). For him it would be fun because he was a junior and had a lot of senior friends (me and my friends). This way, he could hang out with all of them before we left him behind on our way to college. And, like I said, we were very good friends. So, he asked permission from his girlfriend, and she, being the wonderful person she is, said yes. So we went. And had a wonderful time. But I don't think that makes me damaged, does it?

BG responds: Not at all! Just a play on words. Glad you had fun.

To Puzzled in Kentucky from Karen:

Never going out and/or meeting his friends or family? Made me cringe -- too close to what I put up with for two years. I shouted-out this book to someone else recently, but it may apply to you, too. Read Romantic Deceptions. Dr. Caldwell describes the narrowing and control tactics used by men who are lying to you. There's an awfully good chance that you don't meet his friends and family or go out where you might do so, because he's scared you'll learn the truth (married/girlfriend? not working at the job he says he is?, etc.) about him. An utterly nonpublic relationship is fishy in and of itself, and like BG says, the FACT of it is enough reason to bail.

P.S. I know, I know ... at first it seems so warm and cozy and private and magical ... and then the feeling starts creeping up on you that there is no fullness, no completeness to your "relationship." As someone who's gone through this, it pains me to admit that this kind of one-note affair is not a relationship at all -- just a fantasy on the woman's part.

And from Desanera:

I hate to do this, but to quote Chris Rock: "If you've been dating a guy for four months, and you have not met any of his friends, you are not his girlfriend." My male friends assure me this is true -- sounds like this may well be the case here.

To Disbelieving from Laura:

I have a cat and am familiar with the boyfriend-cat interaction problems. And I let the cat sleep on the bed. You say the guy is fine with your cats except having them in the bed at night. Well, I think you should banish the cats from the bed. I love having my cat curl up with me, but her purring could certainly keep someone awake or her hair could cause allergic reactions. But more than that, a bed is a private retreat. That's where you sleep and make love, and I think everyone has a right to keep that place animal-free, if he wishes. Believe me, the cat will survive just fine -- mine always has, no matter where she sleeps.

To Been There, Haven't Done That from Christie:

You sound exactly like me when I was in college. After several "dates" with men who never called again because their "get in my pants" hopes were not fulfilled, I was ready to give up. At one point, there were even rumors around campus that I was a lesbian. We're talking some mature males here ... ha ha.

But, I got a job off-campus. The manager of the store I went to work for asked me out, and I agreed. We spent the entire night (and I mean all night) hiking, climbing mountains, and talking. I'd never felt more comfortable with anyone in my life. At the end of the night, he asked me if he could kiss me. Asked me! I couldn't believe this man. (He is eight years older than I, so definitely not a pup.)

Long story short, we dated for another three months, then got engaged. I was still a virgin. After nine months of being engaged, I decided that I was ready to have sex. This man waited nearly a year from the time we met, and when I told him of my decision, he made sure that I wasn't doing this just to please him, that I really wanted it for myself, too. (And, it wasn't all that great the first time, heehee.)

Happy ending: next month, he and I will be married nine years. We have continued to grow and mature and work through our problems as a couple. I am SOOO glad that I waited for him and that I didn't cave in to the pressure of those college guys. Your knight will come along, too. Just hang in there.

P.S. BG, I love reading your column. You've helped my marriage, too! Kudos!

BG responds: That totally makes my day. Thanks.

 
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