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Dear Breakup Girl,

At first it won't seem like anything could possibly be wrong with me, but be patient..... My life is great! I have a wonderful fiancé, I'm 24 and he's 25. We both have college degrees and successful careers. We've been together for a little over three years now and have been living together for a year. He proposed to me on the beach at dusk with a beautiful engagement ring in September and we are planning our wedding for December 2000. I have never been happier in my life. We have such a healthy relationship (at least he and other people think so), that it's almost sickening. He treats me better than I could ever imagine and I trust him 100%.

Before I met him I was this depressed, antisocial person who was still healing from my three-and-a-half-year relationship that had ended nine months prior. But instead of getting jealous and trying to force me to forget about him, he let me cry to him about it and encouraged me to talk to my ex to get whatever issues I had resolved. Today I am (and have been for the last two years) completely over my ex. I am happy every day and optimistic about our future together. His outgoing personality has rubbed off on me and now I enjoy talking to people and going to parties with him. I have become a better person since meeting him and thank God everyday for bringing him into my life. He is truly perfect.

My problem? I can't stop cheating on him. It's not just him though. I also cheated on my last boyfriend of three-and-a-half years (whom I was also engaged to). When my current fiancé and I first started dating I cheated on him with my ex. Then with some guy I met in a bar. Then with a male friend of mine. Then with a male friend of one of my female friends. The last time was over a year ago, but within the last several months I've come very close to cheating with two different guys. My fiancé has no clue about any of this. Someone even tried to tell him they thought I was sleeping with my ex when we first got together but he didn't believe them! Please don't tell me that I must not love my fiancé as much as I think I do. I have a degree in psychology so I'm not an idiot and I know with 100% certainty he is the one for me. The fact that I've done this to the only two men I've loved leads me to believe I would do it with anyone. I've been to counseling to work through childhood issues (I was molested by my dad and brother for eight years) and my self-esteem is better since I've been with my fiancé than its ever been, so why? Why do I do this? Why do I cheat on the man that I love more than anything in the world and who has brought such happiness to my life? Is this just the kind of person I am? Because I really don't want it to be. I don't want to stop simply because I'm afraid of getting caught, I desperately want to stop because I love my fiancé and I know it's wrong, but when a guy shows interest in me I can't stop myself. Do you have any ideas as to why I'm doing this or as to how I can stop? Please help!

-- Jennifer

Dear Jennifer,

Over to you, Belleruth: "This is totally connected with the abuse. A lot of people who were abused as kids by their fathers or older brothers just don't have the built-in boundary thing. There's an automatic compliance response going on, especially if the abuse was mixed in with some degree of affection or valuing of you by your father/brother, which you otherwise wouldn't have gotten.

And I'm not sure what role your mother may have played here, but as a child nyou were, in essence, 'cheating' on your mother with your father, even though it wasn't exactly your idea to do so. So: love and cheating went together in your family. And you may even be giving off some 'you can do me for a nickel' signals --  which in your situation is both inadvertent and common.

Your own degree notwithstanding, I'd strongly recommend some more shrinking to help save this worth-saving relationship. I'd say with a woman who's maternal, smart, and familiar with this territory.

Jennifer, you are to be commended for avoiding acting this out for a whole year. Truly. That speaks to your real wish to normalize your life and make this relationship work. Which you totally can do. Your chances are not "ruined;" this can be done. You've got a lot of company -- shockingly so --  and many of her cohorts have managed to have a good, strong adult love relationship. Keeping wanting this as badly as you do, and you'll be fine."

Love,
Belleruth via BG

 
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