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Dear Breakup Girl,

I have been dating a guy for about 16 months, and it really bugs me that I have never met his parents, anyone in his family, or any of his friends. I have mentioned this to him on a few occasions, but I have never pushed the issue. The few times I have mentioned it to him, he either doesn't respond or gives me a lame excuse. Another thing is we hardly ever go out.

What do you think could be the problem? I can't help but think that I embarrass him, even though I have a good job, a good reputation, and people have told me many times that I am attractive. I wonder sometimes if there is someone else even though he has never given me any reason to believe he is being unfaithful. Why else would he not want to be seen with me in public? Sometimes I think I am making a big deal out of nothing. Other times I get so upset about it that I feel like breaking up with him. Can you give me any advice?

--Puzzled in Kentucky

Dear Puzzled in Kentucky,

Whatever "the explanation," I can say with near-certainty that it's not because you "embarrass" him. I just don't see it. And beyond that, you know, it could be anything. The residue of some sort of bad experience introducing a girlfriend to, well, anyone. The mail-order bride who lives with his parents ("Svava, this is how marriage works in America."). Friends (i.e. Spanky) who have outlawed girlfriends. Major parental weirdness. Hey, maybe you're in a Brendan Fraser movie where your boyfriend is some sort of kinless clone or alien. Or perhaps he is simply a big oaf.

But Puzzled, any hypothesis -- even a compassionate one -- is pretty much beside the point. The problem isn't WHY he hasn't introduced you to anyone in more than a year, it's THAT he hasn't introduced you to anyone in more than a year (more than a year). And that he doesn't seem to think that's odd.

Part of the whole point of relationships, you see, is to find yourself spun into a new web of people. To expand the places you go, the folks you meet. To be with someone who says -- loves to say -- "Everyone! Meet Puzzled! Isn't she the bee's knees?" To become larger as a couple than (a) the sum of your two parts, and (b) his futon.

I mean, I was going to call his place a "cocoon," but that would imply that you were actually growing and changing inside. Instead, the only thing you're becoming is unsure of yourself. And in BG's house, that is so not good enough. Brendan may not be a horrible guy, but you are not an indoor cat. If he resists one more "no, this time I mean it" attempt to address even just the friends question, I'd say we've got a dealbreaker on our hands. In which case: Introduce yourself to him as someone who is going to need more than this out of a relationship.

Love,
Breakup Girl

 
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