< PREVIOUS LETTER
 

SHOUTOUTS

To Concerned in NY from Katherine:

First, when a girl goes into the home of her boyfriend's family for the first time -- especially if there are known religious tensions -- it is one of the scariest moment of her life. She typically reacts in one of two ways: either she is extremely shy and reserved and quiet, or she is overly friendly out of nervousness. Neither of these is necessarily indicative of her true character.

Second, is it possible that you were looking for any signs of passive-aggressiveness because of your cousin's past relationships and because you were worried? Perhaps that made it easier for you to spot "aggressive" things and overlook the normal things. Before you decide this girl's psyche, have you asked your other family members what they thought?

Third, this may be backtracking a little, but of course she might be overly familiar towards you! She's been a significant part of your cousin's life for a while, and you and Jon are like brothers! She's heard all about you! It may be your first meeting, but she does know you well already, through your cousin. It would be impossible for her to act as if you were a total stranger because she loves Jon and Jon loves you and she knows that very well! I think you could cut her a little slack on that.

I'm not trying to say your perceptions are not accurate. It's just that they may not be. And if they aren't, you could unnecessarily jeopardize Jon's relationships with both you and this girl. If Jon loves her, she deserves more than one visit to prove herself. And if you love Jon, you should be looking for reasons to like her, not to dislike her. Being aggressive is not necessarily a bad thing. It sounds like your cousin may be on the shy side, so it could be a wonderful blessing for him to be with a more outgoing girl. It could be a great "opposites attract" thing. She's not what you'd go for, but she is what your cousin is going for. Look at her through his eyes the next few times, before you decide she's just another bad choice your cousin made. I am telling you this because I went through a very similar situation with my boyfriend and his family. I'm just so grateful that my boyfriend stuck by me through the hard part. Get to know her a little more before you make a final decision. Oh, and BG was right when she said your comment was a little passive-aggressive itself.

And from John:

One of the hardest lessons I've ever had to learn is that if you really care for someone and they are making a mistake and there's really no way to talk them out of it...keep your mouth shut. Because if you're right and they are making a mistake, they will need you down the road, and you want them to be able to come to you without feeling stupid or afraid you're just going to say, "I told you so." This -- especially -- applies to marriages.

To Crushed from John:

It seems to me that spending time with your husband shoots your stress levels through the roof, while spending time with your female collegue reduces your stress level. So there's no question why you prefer your colleague over your husband.

What you have to do is figure out if this can change. For instance, you say your priority is on work, while his is on family, and what little time you have together tends to be spent with his family. How about cutting a deal: you'll reduce your workload and find more time out of the office if that time is spent on the two of you alone, rather than with his family, which may be fun for him but not for you. As BG said, the two of you need to discover whether you can recapture the part of your relationship that made you want to be together in the first place.

To Terrible in Toronto from John:

You said, "I feel that I don't know how to negotiate details in the 'Are we going out now?' or 'Are you my boyfriend?' arena."

In the future, just ask him. Or better yet, tell him, "I would like to go steady with you." or "I'm really enjoying this; how about if we don't see other people?" If not knowing where you stand drives you nuts, you should just find out. It can't be worse than finding underwear on the floor and not knowing if you have the right to be angry.

To Biker Grrl from John:

If I were you, I'd stay out of it. The chances that you know the whole story are very small. Perhaps some renegotiation took place between them between one shopping trip and the other. From personal experience, every single one of my male and female friends who swore up and down that they'd never have children is now raising at least one kid, if not two.

To In Hell Again from John: [Go John! -- BG]

It is a motto of my life that no matter where I find myself stuck, there's gotta be someone else a lot like me who got swept here by the same current. Why not track down some of the former-geek girls you knew in high school? See if there's anyone else in the field you're doing a start-up in that's compatible with you. Failing all this, though, you could look at this as a hitch in the army: "I'm putting in two years; they won't be fun years, but I'll get through them and then head off to do what I want to do."

To BG from Susan:

You are so right about waiting to find someone "who thinks you're da bomb." After being married and divorced and having several other serious relationships and many, many dates, I have finally met a wonderful man who truly treasures me, and for all the right reasons. I now realize that it was never about whether I was "good enough" to be appreciated and treated well by a date/boyfriend/husband; it was about holding out for someone who could recognize and fully appreciate who I am right now, inside and out, and all the good stuff I have to give. It took awhile to find him, but it was so worth the wait! This man feels lucky to be with me, and he tells me so (and shows me) every single day. Not only that, but I love and appreciate him as well and feel lucky to be with him.

Please, friends, trust BG on this one: every single one of us deserves to be seen by our partner as the greatest thing since slice 'n bake cookie dough, and there IS someone out there (probably many!) who will see you -- and treat you -- that way. Don't cheat yourself by settling for anything less!

< PREVIOUS LETTER