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Dear Breakup Girl,

This past weekend, my cousin, who lives in LA, came back east with his new girlfriend. Both of them are from the NY area; I live in NY, too. They are quite serious by now, and this was the first time we were to meet her, and he to meet her parents. I knew she was of a different ethnicity and religion before (read: not Jewish, which is still a pretty big deal in my family) and had made my peace with it; I was not ready to dismiss her just because of that.

My cousin, whom I'll call "Jon," is like a brother to me; we are extremely close. Unfortunately, while he has a lot to offer, he has pretty low self-esteem, and seems to go for whatever woman is aggressive enough to go after him. His other two serious girlfriends were examples of passive-aggressive control freaks. He assured me this one, "Sue," was different.

Well, she sure is. She isn't passive-aggressive, just aggressive. Although I was willing to overlook the fact that she isn't Jewish (realizing that what I want for myself is not the same as what he wants and that if he's happy that's really all that matters), I found her totally bossy and over-critical of him. She immediately spoke to me as if she had been a member of the family for years, when this was, in fact, the first time I laid eyes on her.

I know they've been together awhile and that he's told her a lot about our family, but she used this familiarity with me that I really didn't like. Jon didn't ask me what I thought of her before he left, and I didn't volunteer. If he had asked, I probably would have said, "I'm not crazy about her," without going into depth. I'm a terrible liar.

Anyhow, BG, you can tell where this is going. I love my cousin like a brother, and I think this relationship is headed for disaster. The fact that she is an observant Catholic just makes things more difficult. What if, down the road, it doesn't work out, and she won't give him a divorce? This is something I'm sure he hasn't even considered. Do I risk my relationship with him to him to tell him how I feel? Or do I say nothing? Surely you must have answered a similar question before.

--Concerned in NY

Dear Concerned,

Why, sure I have.While I would caution you to keep in mind that some people are Bad at Meeting Family, I'd also caution you against letting this become -- regardless of this couple's actual disaster status -- a rhinoceros head in your relationship with Jon.

I'd thus echo my advice to "Presumptuous" and recommend either the boy version of the Slumber Party approach, or the Delicate Speech itself, including the essential stand-by-your-Jon message. Whatever you say, don't say "'I'm not crazy about her,' without going into depth.'" That's passive-aggressive. Okay? Good luck.

Love,
Breakup Girl

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