< PREVIOUS LETTER   ||   NEXT LETTER >
 

Dear Breakup Girl,

I'll begin with the hopelessly trite, "Can this marriage be saved?" Or, more to the point, "Should this marriage be saved?"

I have been married for about three years now (lived together for five). We have had our ups and downs, but lately it only seems like downs. He is depressed all the time, though he manages to put on his life-of-the-party face for pretty much everyone but me. Everything is an effort for him, and it seems like we are constantly arguing over every little and not-so-little thing. We have always had different opinions and personal goals -- I am more focused on career and achievement, while he's more focused on family -- but the gap between up seems to have grown wider and wider over the past year. Most arguments lately center on how much I work, which is an especially big issue now that we have a little girl. For the past few months, I have been working on a really big project and have spent many late nights in the office with my coworkers.

All these late nights led to spending lots of time with a female coworker. We have been great friends for a while, but after spending this time together, I have developed a huge, mind-boggling, wake-you-up-in-the-middle-of-the-night CRUSH on her.

Now, I know that crushes are generally just your brain (or perhaps other areas of your anatomy) telling you what you are looking for in an ideal partner. And there is some of that here: she's adventurous, confident, and sophisticated and my husband is lacking in all these things. But I am having a hard time just writing off my feelings for her as nothing more than a signal that I need to work things out with my husband. I feel like life is too short for me to keep on trying to work things out with someone who is not willing to work on himself. I feel like I have accommodated his needs and priorities a lot -- I've passed up job opportunities; I've taken heat from my boss about not putting in enough hours; I've set aside maintaining friendships so that we can spend time with his family; and in return, I just keep getting the life drained out of me. This is not who I want to be.

On the other hand, I don't know if I want to be the kind of person who sneaks behind her partner's back to have a fling with a crush, girl or no. Sometimes I think I should check all my morals and inhibitions at the door and pursue it (you know, grab a little happiness and excitement), but I have not had the courage to make any real move. (BTW, she knows I have a crush on her, and she's "flattered" -- which may just be a polite "no thanks," but I am still obsessing over whether it might mean something better.)

So, again, it boils down to the age-old question, do I stay or do I go? I know that if I go, Little Miss Crush might not be waiting on the other side, but is this crush really telling me that I need to get out of the life I am feeling trapped in?

--Crushed

Dear Crushed,

At this point, it's hard to say whether all of these late nights have led to spending lots of time with a female co-worker, or whether spending lots of time with a female co-worker has led to all of these late nights. (What's the big project you're working on, "Which Came First, the Chicken or the Egg?")

Anyway, no, you don't want to be the kind of person who sneaks behind her husband's back to have a fling. Not only because you're the kind of person who said the wedding kind of vows, but also because that's the kind of person who unnecessarily compounds and clouds her problems.

While we're on the subject, though, let's finesse a few points about cheating/extramarital crushes. First of all, people who are happy in their relationships crush/cheat, often due to the Everest factor ("...it's there"). And experts say that unhappy cheaters/crushers, it turns out, are often looking not for something missing from their partner, but something missing from themselves in their relationship with their partner (you thought the chicken thing was deep).

So on the can/should and stay/go question, remember: fantasies/crushes are data. One place to look, then, is here: what is it about her, besides the fact that she's not yelling at you about work, that wakes you up in the middle of the night? Not so much in terms of "What is she like?" but rather "How does she make you feel?" Now: what will it take to get that feeling with your husband? And are you willing to do that work? You tell me.

But if I may first draw my own broad strokes -- given what the experts above say -- perhaps what's missing from your marriage right now is an anchoring sense of affection and friendship; its presence would not necessarily auto-resolve your conflicts, but it would probably decrease the Effort, balance the "downs," keep the differences from becoming Differences. Now, this is not necessarily good news, as we've learned that affection and friendship are the strongest indicators of the strongest marriages. But who knows? Maybe all you two need is some sort of series of appreciation and decompression exercises, or for someone to initiate the "What's really bothering you? No, REALLY!" conversation, instead of just treadmilling separately along. After all, it's easy to avoid laying it on the line when you've got a fix to look forward to.

And speaking of the fix, I hate hate hate to say it, but in practice/these contexts, the word "flattered" is most often followed silently by "...but ... ". You don't have to give up on her -- or anyone else -- forever, but you've got a really big project on your hands: marriage (not to mention: parenthood). One that needs to be worked on seriously, late at night even -- or concluded thoughtfully and responsibly. Make sure that comes first.

Love,
Breakup Girl

< PREVIOUS LETTER   ||   NEXT LETTER >