generally pretty unlucky in love.
Around the same time that your site went on
hiatus, I moved to Mexico for three years.
Great professional experience, fun life experience ... abysmal love experience.
I didn't meet any Mexican men with whom I connected on the right level. (And
the Americans I met down there were sometimes pretty awful.) In any case, I
wasn't really trying, and I've developed a healthy appreciation for the single
life. Or maybe I've become a bit of a hermit. Hard to tell, sometimes.
In any case, as it happens, I am now happily 30, living back home in New
England, and reconnecting with many old friends as I put down new roots. I have
made good housemate decisions this time, and am slowly building a
mix-and-match career of some music performing, some music teaching, some
teaching of other academic subjects, some tutoring, etc. Things are picking up,
and I'm enjoying my professional life immensely. And my personal life, really.
Really.
Okay, so I wouldn't mind dating someone promising. I haven't been in
an exclusive relationship that lasted more than a month, since I broke up with
my last boyfriend in 1998. I've been on a few dates (and, um, had a few hookups
of varying durations and degrees of advisability), and things have usually ended
by the choice of the other person. So yeah, I'm a bit gun-shy. Which I suppose
is a major part of the problem. And then there's the other part.
The academic-teaching part of my career is at a small, private girls' school. It's a great, close-knit
community, and did I mention small? Being a girls' school, of course there
aren't that many male teachers. But of course, there's this one.
Breakup Girl, I swear to you, I tried not to crush out on him. I managed to hold out for half
a year or more, from when I first met him. I knew what a bad idea it could be,
and not only because he's a colleague, or
because the school is teensy and prone to gossip. We interact personally and
professionally on a regular basis, because he's a music teacher, and lets me use
his classroom to give private lessons after school, and because I'm good friends
with his mom, who is also my department chair. (I'm closer to his age, though,
of course.) You see the intertwinedness of it all, and how that's good ... and
could be very bad.
He's brilliant, and talented, and extremely hot, and funny and sensitive and
can do anything at all, and I'm gaga over him. He had me play along with his
chorus in the Holiday Concert, and it was while playing my instrument next to
him playing piano that I really started to fall for him. That, and when I
hugged him goodbye after his party the following night. I felt the chemistry,
big time. Oh yeah, and he smells good. Yum.
It's been so long since a relationship has gone right for me, though, all I
can think are negative consequences. I really want to have a role in the music
program of the school as it develops, so I can't burn bridges there. I think
his mom would even like to have me for a daughter-in-law ... but how would she
feel about me if I dated her son and ended up breaking up with him? And, to
psychoanalyze myself to death, what if I'm only interested because it seems
impossible, and that lets me have the semblance of participating in the Dating
Game while really staying wrapped safely in my cocoon?
As I mentioned earlier, this question may be hypothetical. I was sure for a
while that he returned my feelings, but now I'm not so convinced, and he might
even be interested in another teacher. My barometer for these things is all
screwy these days. But if I did think he might feel the way I do ... is
it too touchy to, well, touch? This is a great community, and if he and I were
to work out, it would be wonderful to be at the school together, and our
colleagues would celebrate our happiness with us. If not ... yeesh.
I've been thinking about your advice on workplace dating a lot lately, and I won't go near
this thing if I don't think it has a future ... but how can I find out?
-- (a slightly-more-cynical) Optimist
Dear Optimist,
So happy to hear from you! Delighted that you're back, and con brio to
boot!
First, an aside. Speaking as an alumna of Breakup High (also all-girls), I
can guarantee you that the entire student body is hot for teacher, too. (With
us, though, it wasn't the music teacher. Let's put it this way: I didn't mind
taking Latin, but what I really wanted was for Latin to take me.)
But back to you. Let's get one thing out of the way, prestissimo. Are
you interested in this guy only because it seems impossible? Nah, I don't think
so. Sometimes that's just one of those thought spirals (along with "Am I afraid
of commitment?" "Do I just suck at dating?") that people slip into because
liking someone that you're not actually dating leaves you with a lot of free
time to get into thought spirals. I mean, if your history was that of an endless
parade of unattainable men, then we'd have ourselves a story. Seems to me that
you'd like this guy even if you didn't work together and his mom wasn't your
boss.
Oh God, his mom is your boss. Right. Yep, that's the bad news. The good news?
He is not your boss. That does give you a little more leeway. To go where? Well,
you say you suspect he could be interested in another teacher. Okay, how do you
know? What sort of flirting is going on? What sort of vibe are you getting? I'm
asking because I'm guessing that your evidence is not "I caught them in
flagrante delicto, which is not a Latin madrigal, inside our colleague's
cello case." I'm asking because I'm guessing that whatever may or may not be
going on between them -- the outward signs of it, anyway -- are also fair game
for you. In other words, as far as I can tell from your letter, if there's any
sort of flirting going on, it's subtle enough that (a) you're not sure, and (b)
it's not rocking the music department world. So whatever it is, do that.
(Unless, God forbid, you find out that they're definitely involved.) Are they
spending a little extra time together after class? Heading to happy hour at the
watering hole in the next small New England town over? Reach out, above board,
and see how far he reaches back. This way, perhaps, you can test the waters
without making waves.
See, Optimist, if I told you, stern headmistressishly, that "the sensible
thing to do would be to forget it," The Guy at the
End of the Bar would throw his drink at me. And with good reason. In this
close-knit community where you see a future, if not a mother-in-law, for
yourself, you do have to tread extra-carefully (I advise, e.g., against any
funny business in flagrante cello). That said, sometimes people find love
in truly inconvenient places. And sometimes -- especially for people with
multiple gigs and ample talents -- love is harder to find than work. I'm not
saying that if anything goes awry you have to give notice. I'm just saying it's
worth giving it -- con delicatezza -- whatever chance you see fit.
Just one caveat. I don't think you're a chronic craver of the unattainable,
but I do see that you like to keep 'em close to
home. So here's your assignment, Teacher: make sure you still get out there
(or in here) and "keep your
options open" by meeting people who are not friends-but-could-be-more, or
friends of friends, or people you work with, or friends of people you work with.
People with no prior ties to you whatsoever. You know, just to balance things
out.
No matter what, Optimist, you've got good taste, a good ear. I know your love
life has not been accelerando for the last little while. But your duet
partner is out there somewhere, not far away -- and I'll bet you'll know him
when you hear him.
Love,
Breakup Girl
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