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SHOUTOUTS

To Amanda from Been There:

I just wanted to say that I have been there Amanda (what's even weirder is that you sound English and my guy was English as well), and no matter how great this guy may seem he is a CRIMINAL. Maybe he's given you some sob story about how rough his childhood was, maybe he has portrayed himself to be a victim of circumstances, but the bottom line is that it will be impossible to have a future with this man. You have worked hard to get to where you are today, and he will take advantage of your respectability and drag you down.

I know what I'm talking about. I, too, thought that my friends and family were just being snobby for not liking my guy. I believed that despite the criminality, he was a good person and that we could have a future together. He claimed he wanted to get out of "the game," and I believed him. But once a criminal, always a criminal. It took two years of an abusive marriage and almost having to declare bankruptcy before I finally woke up and realized what a fool I was. Get out before it's too late. You can find the same kind of passion and romance with a law-abiding bloke and, trust me, it will be far better than anything you may have with this guy.

To Dr. Why from John:

Treat someone nicely all the time, and they will grow to like you. Treat someone meanly all the time, and they will grow to hate you. Treat someone nicely sometimes and meanly sometimes (on a random basis), and they will become obsessed with figuring out how they are influencing you behavior and how to make you be nice all the time. In other words, intentionally or not, your male is behaving in a way guaranteed to drive you bonkers over something that, in fact, you have no control over whatsoever: his behavior. Only he can controlhim. What I'd suggest is this: Sit him down. Tell him you find behavior like leaving you standing there sick with a bag of groceries and canceling things at the last minute unacceptable. Tell him if it happens again, that you don't feel that this is the kind of relationship you want to be in. If the idea of sitting him down and saying this makes you feel frightened (not nervous, but frightened), then that's a very big sign that this guy is bad news.

..and from Wally:

It may be that your callous man finally felt comfortable enough with the relationship to drop the facade and reveal his real personality. Most of us, male or female, are on our best behavior during the first few dates. Some people go a few steps farther and conceal unpleasant parts of their personalities much longer. An extreme example of this technique is a roommate I had post-college. He was a moody person with an often-unpleasant personality. He had trouble with relationships because once a woman discovered his true self, she would flee, never to be heard from again. Eventually, he met a woman who couldn't or wouldn't see through the fake personality. When he and I lost contact (a good thing for all involved), he had been with her for a year, and she had yet to meet his true self. If that's what's going on here -- and I'm not saying it is, just offering it as a possibility -- then the recently-vanished, honest, goodhearted guy never existed at all. He was an invention. Personally, if I believed my personality was so heinous that I couldn't let anyone meet it, I'd be moved to make some real changes, not just conceal it. But that's just me.

"SHADOWRUN"-OUT:

To BG from Jestyr:

Don't I feel like a ninny now...

Things have changed, somewhat. I started up an e-mail conversation with Mr. Perfect almost straight away...as soon as decently possible, in fact. I even sent him e-mail flowers, which is completely out of character for me. He reacted well (if a bit noncommittally) and, yeah, it seemed pretty darn cool. In fact, I arranged to see him again, when visiting a Mutual Friend who lived between the two of us. (It was the first time the Mutual Friend had met either of us; in fact, the Mutual Friend was another Internet acquaintance in the same hobby.)

That was about a month ago, and, well, to be honest, in the bitter light of day, Mr. Perfect isn't quite so perfect! I mean, he's still the same as he ever was, but given the distance factor and the fact that he's a bit socially shy about that sort of thing (the stereotypical less-relationship-savvy geek, I suspect, though an adorable example of the species!) he's still Mr. Perfect, I think, but not Mr. Perfect-For-Me. Which was cool. I recognized that I'd somewhat confused the buzz of meeting someone really cool and interesting with the buzz of meeting Mr. Right. So I shrugged, moved on, and counting my blessings that I'd definitely made a cool friend in Mr. Perfect (who, incidentally, I believe was unaware of my interest in him, which makes things all clean and dandy).

Here's where things get complex and where the cynical superhero might suspect it gives the lie to my assertion that I was not actually searching for a man, but I swear, it honestly didn't work like that. Mutual Friend that I was visiting had a whole social circle of friends to introduce me to (all of whom I had already met online, but found out just how exceptionally cool they are in the flesh). Weall hit it off very well in person, and I'm going back to visit them all again next week. And included in that group is Mr. Not Perfect.

Mr. Not Perfect is only human. He has his flaws; he's made his share of human mistakes; he's had a rough couple of years. I think we made quite an impression on each other, and we've only gotten closer (thanks to phone calls [ouch, his phone bill is going to be huge!] and IRC) since then. He's not just the same as me; he's not the kind of person over whom I can squeal adolescently that he's so perfect. He's different from me, and I rejoice in those differences. He's not perfect, he's on no pedestal, but he's a wonderful human being who's on my level. Mr. Perfect was happy, brainless, and hormonally fizzing; Mr. Not Perfect is a quiet wellspring of serene joy. We shall see next week if he feels the same way about me, I suppose.

Of course, he still lives about 600 miles away from me; I love making life difficult for myself, don't I?

Oh, and the hobby: role-playing gaming, the Shadowrun game in particular (which means I've really just given myself away to any of the fan community who may be reading this, but, well, them's the breaks! Hi guys!). (And girls, may I please just say, "Get into role-playing and gaming! It's wonderful exercise for the creative; it's a FANTASTIC way to meet intelligent men and talk to them for hours at a time; it's a very fun and "social" thing to do; and it's a good way of meeting new people. A wonderful hobby.

BG responds: Hoo and ray! Now we'll see if MNP can play the role of someone who lives closer...

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