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Dear Breakup Girl,

All this talk about dating more than one person at a time and how unfair that is (Tinkerbell's letter and Lori's shout-out) is making me wonder if I'm doing the right thing with this wonderful guy I know.

I went through a big, painful breakup about six months ago and am mostly over it now, though I still get twinges of anger and disbelief. About a month later, I met the perfect Rebound Guy: a commercial fisherman with an appointment to be on a boat in Alaska all summer leaving us about six weeks for fun, with no expectation that I'd be here when he got back! Plus he was a big, burly, straightforward kinda guy, the total opposite of my sniveling, geeky ex. I was in heaven. My shrink said it was like going on vacation, but I shouldn't get too attached.

Well, stuff never works out the way you think it will. Even though I've been completely honest and upfront with RG about still being on the rebound, not wanting a big heavy relationship, etc., he fell for me hard. I'm an ambitious career girl, and he thinks I'm the shining star who will help him change his life. He wants to leave fishing and get into a more stable tech job (fishing and tech are the two big industries here -- Name That City!). I've set him up with a good local college program for that, plus I sold him my old computer, so he'll be on his way when he gets back in the fall.

RG says flat out that he's on a campaign to get me to fall in love with him. And it's kind of working. He took a cab seven miles last night to call me from some distant phone booth in Alaska when he didn't even know if I'd be home. He bought a sailboat on his one weekend home so we can take weekend trips this fall. He carried me up the stairs to my apartment...and I'm six feet tall! This is hard to ignore. Plus he loves his mom to pieces and put his sister through law school. Fishing.

But, BG, intellectually I know this can't possibly work out long-term. He doesn't ever want kids, and I do. He has a drinking problem, though he doesn't drink on the boat and plans to take the opportunity to cut back when he's in school this fall. But I doubt it'll be that easy, especially because the local bar is his social center. And there's always the chance he'll resent me one of these days for being younger and more successful than he.

I know, there are other fish in the sea (sorry to step on your line, so to speak). I'm dating around. I have a few dates lined up for the next few weeks, and RG comes back in a month. What if one of them turns out to be a great guy? Do I tell RG goodbye on the phone next time he calls? (I picture him standing in that phone booth, cab idling...) Or do I wait until he gets back and then drop the ax? Then what do I tell him on the phone? Should I dump him preemptively, before I meet someone new? I like this guy a LOT; he's such a sweetheart, and it is all I can do to keep myself from falling for him, too. Another option might be to wait until we have a fight (it won't be long; we've had a couple already, which is a lot for me) and take that opportunity to say this isn't working out.

I never date more than one guy at a time and, although we aren't officially exclusive, and RG knows the perils of leaving me alone all summer (occupational hazard), I know it'd break his heart to know I'm seeing someone else. Right now I'm taking a "wait and see" attitude, but I want to be as humane as possible with this sweet man. Thinking of me seems to be what's keeping him going while working 20-hour days of hard labor up there. Plus I miss him.

SOS!

--Gone Fishing

Dear Gone,

You know that song "Mr. Snow" from Carousel? Carrie sings about her fisher-Man: "The first time he kissed me, the whiff of his clothes knocked me flat on the floor of the room ... but now that I love him, my heart's in my nose, and fish is my favorite perfume!" Will things work with your hello, sailor? I don't know. But I feel like you're dealing with the whiff of his clothes and all sorts of other outside issues, rather than your heart.

First of all, jettison the guilt. Not only did he full-speed-ahead with informed consent, but you know, people issue those big "this is nothing serious" warnings even when they don't know if they're going to mean/need it or not, just as a safety net. They are always to be heard, and always to be taken with at least one grain of salt. Because it's also just as possible that even after seeing that red sky, you still could have fallen overboard for him.

Will you? Again, not sure. On the one hand, you do have lots of "intellectual" reasons to steer clear. And, to the degree that his "campaign" is "working" -- double check to make sure you're not just swept under by the drama: call it S. S. Stereotype, but heck, who wouldn't be moved by the thought of a big sweet burly fisherman journeying miles over land just to hear her voice?

Whatever you do, do not wait for a "fight" to bail. And bail if you must, but not 'til he gets back (not so much to avoid the phone breakup, which is permissible, but because I don't think you're quite ready).

Love,
Breakup Girl

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