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Dear Breakup Girl,

Okay, new situation completely: (No, I haven't moved out, but I have moved on...) Background: I've always been in social climates where "just dating" (as opposed to rampant serial monogamy) is extremely scarce. And although I've never been able to hide my romantic interests, I'm knee-knockingly shy about actually expressing them (in non-annoying ways, at least). When I find an interest, I tend to focus so much on whether he likes me/will be my boyfriend that I forget to take into account whether I really like him all that much. Leads to me breaking someone's heart when I realize I don't, right about the same time he decides he does.

I'd like to avoid this in the future. And I wouldn't mind "just" dating someone, since I'm not really up to starting a serious relationship right now, but I'd like to leave the option open for future reference...

So the question is: How do you approach getting to know someone while deciding whether you want to be (a) just friends, (b) casually dating, or (c) seriously dating/monogamous/etc.?

Enter "Andy."

No, literally, he walked into the coffee shop where I've been working this summer, and it was great smiles and better eye contact from the start. He's been a regular there for some time, so I asked around about him, and basically everyone says he's really cute, really nice. Good stuff. (Oh, and he used to have a girlfriend, but doesn't now.) We haven't talked a lot yet, but we razz each other a little in flirtatious ways while I get his coffee, that kind of thing. So the first impression is positive, but I still really don't know him at all. And I will only be working there until Labor Day, after which school starts. Since I live only a block away, I plan to frequent this coffee shop even after I stop working. (I like my bosses, coworkers, and the place in general, so I'd be there whether or not Andy might show up--but bonus points if he does.) But if I'm not working, I won't be there as much, so I'll see him less often, and I won't have the easy excuse for starting a conversation ("What'll you have today?"...). I might actually have to (gasp!) think of something new to say! So how do I go about this? And how do I find a way to enjoy the flirty-fizzy-buzz of which you write so often (and which I definitely feel when he's around) without feeling like I'm leading him on if I end up deciding I'm not interested, after all? He seems like someone I'd at least like for a friend, but I don't want to get locked into that role (my specialty, trust me), if I find that I'm interested in more. Advice/superpowers/etc. would be much appreciated.

--Optimist/Realist?

Dear Optimist/Realist?,

Well, then. Guess you accomplished that moving-on-but-not-out thing -- hoo and ray! -- by living/loving at the coffee shop! Doesn't really work on "Friends," but hey.

About the flirty-fizzy-foamy-buzz: that's not the Illy talking, that's what you're feeling right now. And I dare say you are enjoying it already. (Any letter that says "gasp!" tips me right off.) But it is also perfectly legal to raise the stakes while you raise your next-demitasse. You can still ask him what he's having today; it's just that someone else will already have served him. You can also ask him out for, say, a depressant rather than a stimulant. You can ask him to join you and your work friends for some late-night post-close "we're tired, but too wired to go home" jaunt. Or you can wait and see what he does. Or you can have your entire buzz-in-itself relationship take place at Central Perk. Point is, when you first make eyes at -- or even moves on -- someone, you are not making promises. (Arguably, if your first move does include some kind of promise, you will not be invited back to make a second one.) That is simply How This Whole Thing Works. Trust yourself to know Curiosity (handy term I use to denote pre-potential-Interest) when you feel it and see it -- same goes for Interest itself -- and to enjoy the fuzzy bubbly not-knowing (gasp!) feeling, too. 'Cause if you ask me, the foam's the best part.

Love,
Breakup Girl

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